Show Transcript

0:00:01 - (Kevin Lowe): Do you ever feel like the odds are stacked against you? You were losing before you ever even entered the game. If so, then this is the episode for you. Because today we're fighting back against those bad odds. Yeah. We're playing the hand that you were dealt, even if at first glance, there seems like there's not a single move you can make. Today, we're diving into a story that's as heart wrenching as it is inspiring.

0:00:29 - (Kevin Lowe): And it's all happening right here, right now, inside of episode 306. Yo. Are you ready to flip the script on life? Cause those bad days, they're just doors to better days. And that's exactly what we do here at grit, grace, and inspiration. Your host, Kevin Lowe, he's been flipping the script on his own life, turning over 20 years of being completely blind into straight up inspiration, motivation, and encouragement just for you. So kick back, relax, and let me introduce you to your host, Kevin Lowe.

0:01:05 - (Kevin Lowe): My friend, welcome back to the podcast. It is a pleasure to have you back here today, joining me in the studio with one of the most amazing women that you're ever going to meet. Her name is Marcy Langlois. And her story today, at first glance, is going to be heart wrenching. It's going to be sad because you could say that Marcie, she was born into adversity. You're going to hear her story today. But more importantly, I want you to hear her spirit.

0:01:40 - (Kevin Lowe): I want you to hear the end. You can't stop at the beginning. You can't stop at the middle. You have to go to the end, because the end is where it all comes together. At the end is where the magic happens. Today is a story meant to inspire you. Pull at your heartstrings and empower you. This is the story of Marcy Langlois.

0:02:05 - (Marcy Langlois): Actually, I was born with a cleft lip and palette. There's many different ways that you can be born with that. So I just want to differentiate exactly the way I was born. So I have a cleft lip and palette. And what that means is there's a hole. There's a hole in your lip where the lip does not form all the way across on your top lip. And the hole or the gap in the growth is just under your nose. And then if you have the palate issue also, then that means you have no roof to your mouth. Like, there's no palate.

0:02:40 - (Marcy Langlois): And so literally, it's your nose into your mouth with no skin or tissue there at all.

0:02:48 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Now, is that something that they. And obviously, technology advances, but is that something that your parents knew prior to you being born, or was that something that they didn't discover till after?

0:03:03 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So I'm 48 years old, so when I was born, no, they did not know that I was going to be born this way. And cleft lip and palate also is often an indication that there's internal issues. So your heart can have significant problems. Your digestive tract and all of your major organs can be impaired from this issue. And so the cleft lip and palate is like the external sign that there's typically something internally occurring.

0:03:35 - (Marcy Langlois): In my case, that wasn't true, though. I. Literally everything on me is in my face.

0:03:42 - (Kevin Lowe): Yes. Okay, well, I guess that was a bonus.

0:03:45 - (Marcy Langlois): Yes.

0:03:47 - (Kevin Lowe): Yes. If we have to find a positive. Well. Well, talk to me a little bit. I mean, about what are the implications as a baby and then growing up through childhood of having this cleft lip and palate, what. What did that mean in terms of. Of treatment, surgeries, procedures? What did that look like?

0:04:08 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So the first seven days of my life, I spent in the hospital at the university, and they were doing all sorts of tests to figure out what was wrong with me or what wasn't. And so that sort of paved the way for the rest of my life, those first seven days of my life, because I underwent a tremendous amount of trauma as a newborn baby through nobody's fault. I'm not blaming anybody, but that's what happened.

0:04:36 - (Marcy Langlois): And our nervous system is wired in the first 90 days that we're alive for either safety or we're not safe. And so I definitely did not feel safe in the first seven days of my life. And then from there, it just sort of went downhill. I had my first surgery when I was three months old. My mother fed me with an eyedropper about every 20 minutes because I had no ability to suck out of a bottle. And that's how I was fed.

0:05:04 - (Marcy Langlois): But I was never satiated, so I was often crying and cranky and could not be consoled or soothed. So it was difficult. It was difficult for me. My mom was young. She was only 19 when she had me, and I had an older brother at the time, and so she had a lot going on. And as I grew, that's the way it works with this, is that as you grow, then the surgeries are performed as the body is forming to keep up with the changes in the body.

0:05:37 - (Marcy Langlois): So at 18 months old, they repaired my palate, and then I had nine major surgeries, consisting from the time I was three months old until I was 18 months old, and within those nine major surgeries, I had 23 surgical procedures. I had braces from the time I was in kindergarten until I graduated from high school. So for 13 years, I had braces on my teeth. I was at the orthodontist dentist, Ent specialist, weekly, monthly, I had speech lessons, and I was chronically ill. On top of that, I had ear infections every two weeks, and I was just always sick. I never felt well.

0:06:20 - (Marcy Langlois): So it was this constant, ongoing thing.

0:06:23 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, how? I mean, I think of a child having to go through this, but the fact was you never really knew anything different because you were born into it. So I guess I'm kind of curious, from your perspective, how did it really kind of impact your childhood as far as just getting to be a kid?

0:06:46 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, right, exactly. It was a huge impact on my childhood. I mean, just thinking about going to the doctor and sitting there and waiting for the doctor, you know, this isn't the day when you would wait an hour to see the doctor. So as a little kid at five years old, sitting in a waiting room, you know, every week, every other week to see some doctor or some specialist or for speech lessons or whatever, it was, right? Like, I was always missing school for these appointments and then just the whole thing of having to sit and wait, right. As a little kid, when you have ants in your pants and you want to be having fun and you don't feel good, so you can't play outside with your friends, you know, it impacted it in every single way.

0:07:36 - (Marcy Langlois): And then just the way that I looked and the way that I spoke is very different than the way I look and speak today. My whole face has been reconstructed. And so, you know, kids taunted and teased me and bullied me and, yeah, it was very, very impactful. It is the reason that I am who I am today, for sure.

0:07:58 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. What about family and growing up in that regard? What was the family dynamics like? Did you have a lot of support from your parents or from your brother or other family members?

0:08:12 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, you know, my. My father was an active alcoholic, and so it was chaotic and volatile with him all the time. You never really knew what you were going to get with him. And I. So he was not really supportive, like, day to day. When he was there, he was there, right? But he wasn't always there. And my mother was my rock. My mother is the one that navigated the medical system. I mean, navigating the medical system alone is really unbelievably challenging in so many regards. And when you have so many systems that have to overlap, and my needs were so extensive and so great and broad.

0:08:56 - (Marcy Langlois): It's a lot. Right? And so she did that. She made sure that I received all the care, all the support, everything that I needed. She made sure that I had. And my brother was 19 months older than me, and he was my protector. He was the one that if kids made fun of me or picked on me or gave me a hard time in any way, he stood up for me so that kids wouldn't keep doing that to me. So, yeah, I was really supported, and my cousins and extended family were all very loving and kind towards me.

0:09:29 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, that's amazing. Now, did you. Did you grow up, like always, in, like, the same home while growing up, and, like, near family the whole time you were a child?

0:09:39 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So, yes. So my parents never got divorced. It was always, you know, the nucleus family was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. We lived in the same home from the time I was five years old on. We had lived a little bit around town. Before that. We had lived in multiple locations, and then we had a farm and that. We had a dairy farm in the eighties, and we lost the farm, and my parents had to file bankruptcy at that time because of the price of milk dropped.

0:10:09 - (Marcy Langlois): So that's when it got really serious for us, and we were left with nothing. We had our mobile home trailer, and my dad was able to negotiate buying a piece of land, raw land. There was no utilities on the land from a farmer and make monthly payments to him. And so my dad drug that trailer out in the middle of a field, and that was our new home. So we had no running water and no electricity until my parents could save enough money and gather enough funding to be able to drill a well and get utilities to the trailer.

0:10:45 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow, wow, wow. I hear that. And I wonder. So at that, you were five years old when you moved out there?

0:10:53 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, we were. I was right around five or six. Yep.

0:10:57 - (Kevin Lowe): So, I guess what I. What I'm curious about is just thinking about a child. At that point in your mindset, did you even think to yourself, oh, my gosh, this is horrible, we're moving to somewhere with no electricity. Or was it more like a fun adventure?

0:11:17 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, that's a great question. You know, honestly, I think when I look back on that time, I can't remember thinking. I can't remember thinking anything more than, this is just how our life is. Right? Like, I wasn't like, oh, my God, we don't have any electricity or any running water. I was like, this is where we live, and my parents are going to figure it out kind of thing, or what? You know what I mean? Like, I don't even know that I considered any of it. I just.

0:11:45 - (Marcy Langlois): This is what we did, and this is how we did it. And that is just the way it was.

0:11:50 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. Makes total sense to me now. What about school? Obviously school. You kind of mentioned earlier about bullying and stuff, which only makes sense since little kids can be assholes. And talk to me, though, a little bit more about school and the fact of just, uh. Did you like school? Where did you go to school? What was that like for you? And. And kind of maybe even expand a little bit more on the bullying aspect.

0:12:22 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So I went to a catholic school for the first seven years. I was raised in a devout catholic family, and they were really involved in our church. And so my father thought it was really important that we would go to a catholic school. And so we went to. And I grew up in Vermont, on the border of Canada and New York. So just in the. In the upper northwest corner of Vermont, and the school is actually in New York state.

0:12:51 - (Marcy Langlois): And I went to school over there, and that's when I really realized that I was different. Prior to that, the people in our little local town, I grew up in a town of, like, 250 people, is tiny, tiny, tiny. Still, to this day, there's not even a stop sign there and. Or a stop light. Excuse me. There's a stop sign that there's not stoplight. And so, you know, I grew up in this really supportive community, and I was kind of cocooned, you know, really?

0:13:20 - (Marcy Langlois): And then when I went to school, it was like somebody tearing the band aid off because I showed up at school and these kids were like, what is wrong with this girl's face? You know? And you can't hide your face. You know, you just can't hide your face, right? And as I said, I spoke differently. And so the kids pointed at me and they laughed. The worst was always when you didn't know what they were saying, but they were pointing and laughing.

0:13:48 - (Marcy Langlois): It was better if they just called me flat nose or flat face, or they would stick their big lip out, their bottom lip out at me to mock me. You know, the thing was, is that what I learned in school, Washington, I mean, I learned a lot of things and I got a wonderful education. I'm so grateful for it today. But what I learned really was, is that if I could be who you wanted me to be, who those kids wanted me to be, then you would like me, and how could I accomplish that, right? So, like, I was hustling for love and acceptance, and I found a way to get love and acceptance by being smart, by being the know it all in class, by being the best at anything that I did.

0:14:37 - (Marcy Langlois): So I was. I became an overachiever at a very young age. Immediately, really, once I figured this out, that. And being funny was. My other thing is I always use humor, and people would laugh and I would entertain people all of the time. And then that made me feel valuable and worthy and, like, I had a sense of belonging. Even though there were still kids on the periphery that were picking on me. I did make friends, and I did have good friends, and I'm so grateful for that experience, but I was selling myself out to get those friends because I was overcompensating for who I was. I never felt like I could just be me and it would be okay to be me.

0:15:22 - (Kevin Lowe): How old were you when. When that all happened?

0:15:26 - (Marcy Langlois): Oh, I've been doing that for as long as I can remember. I mean, literally, I don't. Yeah, I don't know. A time that I. That I didn't do that. I caught on really quickly, and because I felt so shitty about who I was and I had so much shame about who I was, I wanted relief from that, right? And the only way I knew how to get relief was by finding approval and acceptance outside of myself. In addition to all of that, when I was in elementary school, I would say again, like, kindergarten, first grade, I can't tell you the exact time and day, but I knew.

0:16:05 - (Marcy Langlois): I knew that I was not attracted to boys. I knew that I was definitely attracted to girls, and that I thought, oh, my God, there's got to be some mistake in all of this. Like, you can't tell me that I have to deal with this, too. And so, you know, in good catholic fashion, I prayed that I would not have this. Right. I didn't know I was a lesbian or what you would call that, or. I didn't even know. Right.

0:16:33 - (Marcy Langlois): But I just knew that I felt very different. And feeling the way that I felt was not acceptable. And so I had a tremendous amount of shame for the way I felt and who I knew I was. And no matter how much I tried to deny that or pray that it would be different or wish for it to be different, it would not leave me.

0:16:55 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. I want to ask. You said a few minutes ago about this idea of at this young age, feeling ashamed and embarrassed of who you are. Did that begin once you went to school and the bullying started.

0:17:11 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Yep. For sure. 100%.

0:17:14 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. Okay, so let us just kind of realize when we talk about you being born into adversity, I mean, can we stop checking off boxes at some point? Because, I mean, you've told us you were born with a cleft lip and palate. You had a family dynamic that had you guys living without electricity and water, even though at the time it just seemed like normal life. Now you go to school, you're facing bullying, you're already as a young child having all these profound, honestly, mindset shifts for kind of just survival mode, and now you realize you're gay on top of it.

0:18:03 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Yeah.

0:18:05 - (Kevin Lowe): That is crazy.

0:18:09 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, it was something. It was definitely something.

0:18:13 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Okay, so. Oh, man. You get. And then, I mean, we're only in elementary school at this point, right?

0:18:24 - (Marcy Langlois): Right. Yes.

0:18:26 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. So when you realize the fact that you. You didn't like boys, how long did it take you as a child to really understand what that meant?

0:18:40 - (Marcy Langlois): I think really probably around the age of when I got to middle school, it was really apparent, right? Like so apparent. And I just hated myself. Like, I hated myself for liking the same sex. Right? Like, being attracted to girls, you know, at twelve years old. And I just literally hated myself for it. And I kept thinking that I would just not act on it and I would try to pretend to like boys. And so I did that whole thing all the way through high school and then I finally couldn't take it anymore and I came out at the age of 21.

0:19:30 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow, that's a long time to have to kind of swallow who you really are.

0:19:37 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, it was awful. But also, I really didn't accept who I was in that regard until I was probably in my late thirties, maybe middle thirties, when I actually started to really accept who I was and accept my sexual orientation and let that shame go and all of that stuff. Yeah, that's been a really long process.

0:20:04 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. Back on your story, middle school. I read that in middle school. And I want you to talk to me about this whole part of your story is that you actually started drinking alcohol.

0:20:18 - (Marcy Langlois): Yes, I did. I did. It was, uh. You know, I grew up in a family of alcoholics. You know, my dad's side of the family had a lot of drinking, a long line of drinking. So it was nothing. You know, not uncommon for us to go to my grandmother's house and everybody get rip roaring drunk. Well, not everybody. Our moms didn't. It was always our dads. My dad had there were five boys and two girls, so it wasn't uncommon for everybody to get together and there'd be a big old party, and this was regular, you know, this didn't happen, like, once a year. This happened, you know, a couple times a month maybe sometimes.

0:20:57 - (Marcy Langlois): So we were exposed to alcohol all of the time. And so, you know, I'd always be fetching my dad's beers, the fridge for him, and I'd open the can of beer, and I'd take a big old chug off the top of his beer and then hand them the beer, you know? And, I mean, I started doing that when I was, like, five years old, six years old. Then when I got in the middle school, I went to. From the catholic school to the public school, and that was, like, crazy mind blowing for me.

0:21:24 - (Marcy Langlois): I went from this highly structured environment where I was very disciplined and very routine, to this middle school that was public, that, you know, kids were talking back to teachers and not doing their homework. Like, all these things that were happening that I was just. I'd never even heard of. Like, I didn't even know you had the option to do those things, you know? And so it was kind of like this free for all that I was exposed to. And so I started, as I was doing that, was hanging out with different kids and different things were happening, and I hated myself so much because I was a lesbian and because of the way that I looked, and I just felt so much shame about who I was.

0:22:08 - (Marcy Langlois): And I saw all these adults in my life having fun around me by drinking, and it seemed like they didn't care about things. They certainly all of that. So I was like, that could work for me. So I started drinking whenever I could get my hands on it and was around easily for me. I started drinking, and then it just really progressed as I went through high school, and then it became drugs and alcohol, but that's where it began for me.

0:22:36 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. In high school. Talking about that, talk to me a little bit about those high school years. I know for a lot of people, middle school is horrible. High school tends to make things a little bit better. Did. Did things get better for you in high school as far as both kind of the bullying aspect and just kind of coming into who you were, the.

0:23:03 - (Marcy Langlois): Bullying aspect was a little better because, as I said, I did. I was so fortunate to have a solid group of friends, and so even though there were still really mean people, I was able to let that go more. And I was really into sports. I got really into sports when I was very young, and I've played sports all of my life. They saved my life. Oh, my goodness. They saved my life. And, of course, it was the opportunity to perform.

0:23:34 - (Marcy Langlois): So you would like me, right? If I was really good at basketball, then I'm the star of the basketball team. Nobody's going to make fun of the star of the basketball team, you know, so that's what I did. I used sports as a way to check out and a way to handle all of these things that were going on for me. And then I made the varsity basketball team in my freshman year, and then I decided that drugs and alcohol were more important than basketball. And I quit sports.

0:24:02 - (Marcy Langlois): I stopped playing sports. I was done everything by my sophomore year. And I also started having surgeries. The surgeries really intensified in my high school years. Like, I had my jaws broke two times in a row, and I had my nose reconstructed. I had plates and screws put in my face and taken out, and I had bone taken out of my hip and put in my jaws. And, I mean, I really went through it physically in high school, and so that was really difficult for me. My high school years were a lot of fun because I partied like a rock star.

0:24:38 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I had a lot of fun, and I did have a lot of time to get to hang out with my friends. But I also had, on the other hand, a really tough time with everything that was going on with my surgeries and all of the medical care that I was receiving. So high school was a mixed bag for me. Like, there were a lot of, like, my, you know, most cherished memories come from that time in my life and also some of the absolute worst.

0:25:08 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. I mean, I can't help but. But just think again how the two components that you just described, they. They truly go hand in hand. The. The fact of the surgeries and dealing with that and the easy way to deal with it is through the drinking and drugs. Yeah. Wow. When we start talking about later years of high school, did you have plans for after high school at that point, like, as far as college or career paths or maybe just what you wanted to do with your life?

0:25:42 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, I always wanted to. Well, not always. You know, I was like any other kids, like, you know, trying to figure it out as I went. But in the end, I really decided that I wanted to be. I wanted to be a therapist and I wanted to work with young kids. So I had gotten accepted to college, and I was super stoked about going to college because I felt like, okay, all the surgeries are over. My last one was the summer going into my senior year. So it's like my senior year felt like this breath of fresh air, right? Like I can turn the page. Finally, I'm done growing. There's no need for any more surgeries. The braces came off my teeth.

0:26:24 - (Marcy Langlois): You know, I'm feeling more confident because of the way I look now after all of these reconstructive surgeries. And then. So I'm looking forward to college and all of these things. And then in January of 94, my senior year, I was on my way to my after school job, and I got in a devastating car accident.

0:26:47 - (Kevin Lowe): Talk to me about that. What happened?

0:26:49 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So I don't want to go into all the details because I don't want to traumatize your audience. That's really important for me. But essentially what happened was a car pulled out in front of me because he did not see me, and I hit that car broadside. And the three passengers that were in that car perished that day. And so that's still hard to talk about 30 years later. It's not hard to talk about, per se, but it's still tender, you know what I'm saying?

0:27:25 - (Marcy Langlois): Of course, yeah. So, yeah, three lives were lost that day, and I felt responsible. I felt responsible for the loss of those lives because I had hit that car. And that was the story I adopted. And even though I was never found at fault in any way whatsoever, legally or otherwise, I adopted the story that I was responsible. So I woke up every single day believing and telling myself that I had killed three people and that I didn't deserve to be alive.

0:28:00 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, what a heavy thing for a child to have to deal with.

0:28:07 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah.

0:28:08 - (Kevin Lowe): At that time, were you drinking or on drugs?

0:28:13 - (Marcy Langlois): No, I was not. I was not drinking the day of the accident. That morning before school, I had a. I had one drink. I had vodka and orange juice. It was the first time I ever drank before school, and I had drank that morning. But the accident happened at 05:00 at night. And, of course, because there was lives lost and the severity of the accident, you know, they gave me a breathalyzer. I mean, everything, right. This was a four year lawsuit that happened after this. It was awful.

0:28:48 - (Marcy Langlois): But, yeah, I was not doing drugs or alcohol when I got in that accident. Thank God.

0:28:54 - (Kevin Lowe): Yes, absolutely.

0:28:56 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah.

0:28:57 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. So at that point, you're kind of in the second half of senior year, you have these plans of college and career. What happened with life at that point?

0:29:11 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, I, um. My life as I knew it and did that in that moment, I could not deal with anything. I was so shut down. You know, catastrophic trauma like that, our body is. Is really amazing at what it does to protect us when these events happen. So basically what happened is my body was flooded with a ton of chemicals that put me in shock. And I was in shock for years, literally years. I would wake up every day and not know if that accident had really happened. Like, I couldn't differentiate between what was really happening and not happening.

0:29:55 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I could not go to school. I didn't want to be around anybody. You want to talk about shame and guilt? Oh, my God. I felt like I couldn't. I felt like I was walking around with a billboard on top of my head that said, I killed three people. So even if you didn't know me, I felt like you knew what I had done. That's the way I face the world every day. And so the only way I could manage those feelings that were so big and so intense was to drink and drug.

0:30:28 - (Marcy Langlois): So I went to college because my mom was like, you have to go to college. You have to go to college because you're killing yourself here, right? Like, you're. You're literally killing yourself. So I went to college, and I went to college for six or eight weeks. I can't remember six or eight weeks. I never attended one single class. All I did was get loaded, you know, just did drugs and drank all day, every day. Literally from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed.

0:30:58 - (Marcy Langlois): And I desperately wanted to get out of there. Living in a dorm with what I was dealing with, I just. I could not deal with it like, I could. I wasn't resourced enough to manage what that looks like. And so I called my mom one day, I think it was in October, and I said to her, look, if you don't come get me, then I'm going to take my life like it's that serious. I can't. Like, I don't think you're understanding how bad this is, but I can't. I literally can't do this for one more minute.

0:31:35 - (Marcy Langlois): And my mom said, I'm going to come and get you. The only way I'm going to come and get you is if you leave. You have to. You have to put a plan in place, and you have to leave Vermont because you're going to end up killing yourself with drinking and drugging, and you just. You need a fresh start and you need to go somewhere else, and you. And you need to do something different. And I said, I'll do anything as long as you'll come pick me up. And so she came and got me.

0:32:02 - (Marcy Langlois): I went home, and I got, like, three jobs for the next six months. I saved some money, and I moved. I closed my eyes, I picked a spot on the map, and I pointed to the middle of Florida, and that's where I moved. I moved to Florida. And the whole time, this accident was plaguing me every single day of my life because there was this lawsuit. There were multiple lawsuits going on with all these high powered insurance companies and attorneys that were calling, and it was a living nightmare.

0:32:37 - (Marcy Langlois): So, you know, that just fueled the drug and alcohol use, and I continued to do the same behavior.

0:32:44 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. When you moved to Florida, did things get any better at all?

0:32:53 - (Marcy Langlois): No, I just found people that did the exact same thing that I did, you know, that drank and drugged. I left Vermont in six months after I came home from college. And so I was living in Florida all by myself or with my friend at the time, and him and I left Vermont together. And so I was in Florida, and I just found people that drank and drugged just like I did. You know, people that were, you know, had their own trauma and their own life experiences that they hadn't recovered from, and those became my people.

0:33:22 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I just carried on. And in Florida, it was really. It was really awful. I mean, I was. I couldn't recognize myself as that person today. You know what I mean? Like, I just.

0:33:34 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah.

0:33:34 - (Marcy Langlois): I was so out of control, and I really just wanted to die. I was in so much emotional pain. It was unbelievable.

0:33:42 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, yeah. Did you say earlier that when you were in high school originally, that you wanted to become a therapist?

0:33:51 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, that's what I was going to college for. I wanted to help young kids go through what I went through.

0:33:58 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. So did you at all during this whole period ever see a therapist yourself?

0:34:05 - (Marcy Langlois): I did go to therapy, but I couldn't. I mean, I had so much trauma prior to the car accident that I had not dealt with. So now trying to show up in therapy and just peel off the car accident and deal with that, there was so much back story and so much trauma there that was unresolved. It was futile, really, is the best way to describe it, because I was so dysregulated emotionally. My nervous system was so fragmented.

0:34:39 - (Marcy Langlois): I just. I had so much stuff that I was contending with that therapy was not helpful for me at that time.

0:34:46 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, basically. Basically, this car accident, it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't just a car accident. It was a lifetime.

0:34:56 - (Marcy Langlois): That's right. That's right. Yes.

0:34:58 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. I. Wow. How long would this, we'll say, chapter of your life go on for?

0:35:05 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Until I was 27. So, ten years after the car accident, I got sober.

0:35:11 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. That's a long time.

0:35:13 - (Marcy Langlois): It is a long. It is a long time. It is a really long time that I was completely abusing my body and making choices that weren't the best. But truthfully, drugs and alcohol kept me alive until I was able to face myself and really get some support and help that I actually needed. Had I not had drugs and alcohol and I would have just had to face the world every day in the condition that I was in, I am certain that I would have taken my own life.

0:35:47 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. What was the. I'm gonna say, a rock bottom moment, the pivotal moment, maybe, when. When things finally changed.

0:35:56 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. I mean, I knew I had a problem with drugs and alcohol, really, for a very long time. I think I probably even knew it in high school, honestly. But I wasn't willing to give it up. But what happened was I met a woman who's now my wife, and she had a daughter who was eight at the time that her and I got together. We had been friends for years before that, and then we finally embarked on a relationship together, and her daughter was eight at the time.

0:36:26 - (Marcy Langlois): And I was just helping out. I was the other parent. Breonna's father was pretty absent in her life, so I was like, the other parent and picked her up from school one day, and we were on our way back to the bar because that's what my dad used to do with me. Bring me to the bar, and I was driving back down the road, and she's telling me all about her day and everything. And I realized in that moment, oh, my God, Marcy, like, you're doing exactly the same thing to her that was done to you.

0:36:59 - (Marcy Langlois): Literally, exactly the same thing that was done to you. And I was like, I'm not doing this. Like, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not willing to put her through this. And sometime, I don't know exactly when, but sometime within the next ten days, I got clean and sober, and I've been clean and sober every day since March 25, 2003.

0:37:23 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow.

0:37:24 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. I've never touched a drink or a drug since that day. And I committed. I committed to myself that I was going to change my life, that this was the end. I was going to stop the cycle.

0:37:36 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, wow. May I ask how you did it. Did you do anything like AA or any type of help? Because, I mean, going from ten years or, I mean, gosh, even longer than that to then just all of a sudden stopping. I have to imagine it had to be difficult.

0:37:56 - (Marcy Langlois): It was. I mean, I woke up every day for the last several years that I drank. And I would say every day, I'm not going to drink today. And then within an hour or two, I'd be drinking again or using drugs because I desperately wanted to stop, but I could not. And so, yes, I did. I went to Aa, and I still go to aa. I still have a program of recovery. And, yeah, it was essential for me because I had to learn how to live a different way of life. But I'm open to all sorts of programs.

0:38:29 - (Marcy Langlois): I am not. I do not own the block on sobriety or think that a is the only way to get sober. There are so many ways to get sober today, and thank God, I. And there's constantly new resources that are available, and I think that's amazing because we, you know, different things resonate for different people.

0:38:47 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. So now that you are truly just making this massive change in your life, how does life change for you both? Just on the day to day and then kind of big picture.

0:39:07 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So what ends up happening is, right, I got sober and I thought I deserve, like, the Nobel Peace Prize, right? Like, I'm like, oh, my God, you know, you're amazing. This is amazing. You know, you can't stop drinking for, you know, five minutes before, and now here you are, and you've been sober five days, like, holy cow. Right? And I think I've totally arrived, and I'm good to go and. And all of these things. And the next thing you know, my body is like, yeah, not so fast. So, you know, I had mentioned earlier that I've really never been well my whole life. You know, I've always struggled with being ill and chronic everything.

0:39:51 - (Marcy Langlois): So now that I stopped drinking, my body's like, good. Now you're here to pay attention. We're really going to lay it on you. I had chronic sinusitis. I mean, I had that all my life, but it really manifested when I stopped drinking. And then I started having heart palpitations, and then I started having, like, ten to 15, I don't even know, anxiety, panic attacks a day. And then I started having insomnia, and then my guts weren't right, and it was just like one thing after another after another.

0:40:23 - (Marcy Langlois): My body started breaking down. You know, I was going to meetings and I was doing all the things that people told me to do to stay sober. Well, I wasn't really, actually. I was doing part of the things people were telling me to do. But I definitely have always been an outlier and done things my own way. But the thing that I got right is that no matter what happened is I didn't drink one day at a time and I stayed sober and I didn't pick up drugs or alcohol, no matter how bad the situation got.

0:40:52 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I was going to meetings and I had a career in mortgage banking, and I was very successful very quickly. What I now can clearly see is I switched addictions. I started working instead of drinking and drugging, and I worked as much as I drank and drugged. That was bad news for me and for my body and my family. And what ended up happening is my body kept deteriorating and I kept not listening. And my friend said, you know, you need to probably go see, like, a naturopath.

0:41:24 - (Marcy Langlois): Because western medicine was not helping me at all in any way whatsoever. I was getting worse and never better. So I went to a naturopath, and that's when things really started to get illuminated. She said to me, when you go to a naturopath, you have to write out all your trauma and you have to write out all of your life experience. They want to know all this stuff. So I said to her, like, I don't have. I can't write all this stuff out and have our appointment today. Like, my story is too massive, really, right? Like, she's like, okay, come in here. And so we talked and she's like, she set the pen down and she looked right at me. I'll never forget it. I see it as clear as I'm sitting here talking to you.

0:42:05 - (Marcy Langlois): And she said, you know, I'm really glad. And I think that it's incredibly amazing that you're clean and sober after all that you've been through. She said, but I can absolutely tell you 100% what your problem is. I said, oh, my God, thank you so much. What is it? And she said, it's this trauma that you just told me about. That trauma is stored in your body and your body is telling you no more. And until you deal with that trauma, you are going to continue to be sick or get more sick.

0:42:32 - (Marcy Langlois): And I was like, whatever, you don't know. I was so angry. You don't know. Like, I've done the twelve steps and I'm this and I've been sober and this, that and the other. And she's like, really? What you need to do is go to therapy. So I was like, okay, well, I'm going to show you. I'll go to therapy, and I'll show you that I don't need therapy. Right? That's exactly what I thought. So I started going to therapy.

0:42:57 - (Marcy Langlois): I spent a lot of time in therapy. Sometimes I went three times a week. A lot. I went three times a week because that's how much support I needed as I started to unpack and uncover all of this stuff, that's really how my life changed, is that I got sober, and then I got these people that showed up in my life that were kind enough to tell me the truth of what I really needed to do. And I kept doing what people told me to do. I was willing to do the work, even if I thought, like, you're wrong or whatever. I still did it because I so desperately wanted relief.

0:43:33 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow, wow, wow, wow. So powerful. And again, I mean, I just. I look at these little puzzle pieces that kind of all fit together, and, you know, it's just making little connections again with, like, the therapist finally was the answer you'd been looking for was therapy. And it was the thing that, as, you know, a kid in high school, you were thinking about doing.

0:43:59 - (Marcy Langlois): Right? Right.

0:44:00 - (Kevin Lowe): You know, I mean, that's pretty cool. Wow. Such an amazing journey you've been on. How long ago now was that when you went through the therapy and things really started to turn around for you?

0:44:16 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So, unfortunately, things never really turned around for me.

0:44:21 - (Kevin Lowe): Oh, okay.

0:44:23 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So, as. I mean, they have in the last several years, but back in that time period, they really didn't. It was a continuous struggle. I had moments of clarity and moments of realization and self actualization and relief from putting things together and healing things and talking through things. But I only continued to get more ill. My body only continued to get worse as my, you know, my career was taking off. I was in the top 1% in my industry, and I was so committed to my career and my success and that my body continued to deteriorate. And in February of 21, I ended up. My body literally said, no more.

0:45:16 - (Marcy Langlois): I had been having tremors and some really weird, random symptoms with my heart and my breathing, but nothing was really lining up, like on the same day. And this had been going on for months. And I've been talking to my naturopathic doctor about it, and she kept telling me, you have to stop working, Marcy. You cannot work like you're working with the trauma history you have in the fragmented nervous system that your body is you cannot work like this. Like, it's literally killing you. And I kept saying, yeah, it's got to be something else. Like, it's got to be something else. You know, it's kind of like when you're drinking and you're sitting every day on the bar stool, and you're like, yeah, my marriage is falling apart. It's got to be something else. It's not my drinking. You know, is that same kind, the exact same kind of behavior of denial and disillusionment.

0:46:06 - (Marcy Langlois): But she, you know, she kept saying, oh, you got to take a break. So I'm like, okay, I'll take a week off at Christmas. I took the week off at Christmas, but then I went right back to work. And in February of 2021, my body said, no more. I was literally sitting at my computer working, and the tremors were so bad in my body and in my brain that I could not tell if the computer was moving, if the desk was moving, or if I was moving. I literally could not.

0:46:31 - (Marcy Langlois): I didn't know. And I waved the white flag. I called my branch manager, and I said, I can't. I literally can't do this for another minute. My body is in a very serious situation. And she said, you know, take. Take a long weekend. It was Thursday. Take a long weekend. I'll cover your business, and you come back on Monday, and we'll talk. And pretty much as soon as I hung up with the phone with her, my body was like, oh, good, now we're really going to show you.

0:47:05 - (Marcy Langlois): And my body really literally came apart. It was terrifying. And what ended up happening is I was diagnosed with mast cell activation syndrome and histamine intolerance, which are life threatening conditions because they cause anaphylaxis and all sorts of other multi system issues within the body. So I spent the next 40 days bedridden. I had a three day stretch where I felt like I was dying for three.

0:47:34 - (Marcy Langlois): Three straight days. I am so grateful for that experience because that is the one that got me. It got me to where I am today. How I mean, that exactly is that I stared death in the eye, and I fully surrendered. I fully surrendered. I knew in that moment that there was nothing that I could do, no amount of money I had made, no career achievement I had advanced that nothing was going to save me in that moment. If I was going to die, then I was going to die.

0:48:07 - (Marcy Langlois): So I fully surrendered. And I realized that I would be so disappointed that if I died then, that I had not lived my life the way that I had wanted to. And I made a commitment to myself that if I could never recover or if I could fully recover or anything in between, that at the very least I was going to do was live my life the way that I wanted to. And how I meant that specifically is that I was going to love the people that I loved the most in my life life the way that they deserve to be loved.

0:48:41 - (Marcy Langlois): I started living my life that way every day. Every day. I started living my life that way. And I thought, you know, if I. At least if I die now, then I will have loved my wife the way that I feel like she deserves to be loved. And I love my daughter the way that I feel like she deserves to be loved. And I will feel better about dying at, you know, 45 years old, if that's the way it's going to play out, than if I die. And I. And I didn't do those things.

0:49:12 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. That's beautiful. That's really, really beautiful. Wow. Today, how is life look for you now as we sit here today?

0:49:26 - (Marcy Langlois): Well, this, my friend, is the best part of the story, because this is what I'm most passionate and excited to talk about, is that I have figured out how to heal my body by using the power of my mind, learning how to regulate my nervous system, and then meditation. And by doing all of that, I no longer have histamine intolerance or mast cell activation syndrome. And all the other chronic illness stuff that I was dealing with is, like, 95% gone.

0:50:01 - (Marcy Langlois): And so it has been a long, long haul. But I have finally learned at the root of all of this is that when the nervous system becomes fragmented, then the body cannot work correctly. It's impossible for the body to work correctly. And every time we experience trauma and experiences that are difficult for us, it fragments the nervous system, and that trauma stays embedded in the body. It changes the way the energy flows in the body.

0:50:35 - (Marcy Langlois): And until you get the body to work correctly and the energy to flow correctly and you regulate the nervous system, regardless of whatever supplements or whatever medicine or whatever I was taking, all of it was ineffective because the foundation of my body was not working correctly.

0:50:55 - (Kevin Lowe): Interesting.

0:50:56 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So today, my life is amazing. My life is so amazing in every single way. My marriage could not be better. My relationship with my daughter could not be better. I mean, she's grown and raised, but still, she's like my favorite human being on the planet. You know, I spend my time living a real slow life, one with peace and ease. I'm outside in nature every single day. It's so important for me to be in nature every day, I'm so grateful. I mean, I'm so grateful. Just when I say that, I literally could cry because I'm that grateful.

0:51:37 - (Marcy Langlois): I don't live in a state of guilt or shame or any of those things, the things from my past. I'm so grateful for every moment that has come before this moment, because I am fully aware that all of those moments were necessary to get me to this moment. Without them, I would not be who I am or where I am. So the gift is in the trials, the tribulations, the suffering, and I fully get that. And so today, my passion is about helping other people to get from the place that feels impossible.

0:52:13 - (Marcy Langlois): That's what gets me out of bed in the morning. That's what's exciting for me. And that's. That's really how I live my own life.

0:52:21 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. Wow, wow. So, absolutely beautiful. I'm so happy for you, and I'm just so happy. I mean, we've just been walked through this story of all this adversity, all these challenges you've gone through, and yet to hear you talk about life today, I think it should bring any of us hope that if we're in a bad situation, it doesn't mean that it has to stay like that forever, that there is hope on the other side.

0:52:57 - (Kevin Lowe): And you are such an amazing example of that.

0:53:02 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. I mean, that's my. That's my hope for the show. Right? Like, that's why I came on here today. That's why I take the time to tell my story and rehash through all of that stuff is because it's to inspire people. It's to find the similarities that we all suffer, that we all struggle, that it doesn't matter what your story is compared to mine or mine compared to yours. It's not a comparison thing. It's where.

0:53:34 - (Marcy Langlois): Where I want to meet people is in this shared emotion. Right? Like, we all know what it feels like to be. Be guilty or feel guilty. We all know what it feels like to have deep grief and sadness, longing, shame. Right? And that's the message of hope is one that you're not alone. You're never, ever alone on this journey of life. Even if you feel alone, you are not alone. And that you can overcome whatever circumstances are in your way.

0:54:06 - (Marcy Langlois): I'm 100% certain that you can absolutely do that if you have the right tools and techniques.

0:54:14 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. I agree. 100%. So, I asked the question that everybody else is wondering. How do we stay in touch with you? How do we find out what you are doing? How can we work with you? Stay plugged in with your world. God, give us all the ways, all the places.

0:54:37 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Thank you so much for asking. I would love it if you would stay connected. And Kevin, I just have to say, you just make me smile the whole time I'm talking to you, you just make me smile. Your zest and energy for life is so amazing and for healing and wholeness and seeing, you know, people to the other side of difficulty and tragedy is. I just love it. So thank you so much. It's so easy to talk to you.

0:55:04 - (Marcy Langlois): You know, you can find me on all the social media platforms, TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube. And then my website will be in the show notes. It's kind of lengthy, so I'm not going to confuse people with it. But you'll put it in the show notes, I'm sure. And then, you know, it's really important to know that for all the people that are listening on your show today, I'm willing to offer a 20% discount to work with me on my coaching platform.

0:55:32 - (Marcy Langlois): I offer up to a 90 day coaching session with me. And essentially, you know, the people that are a really great fit for me are people who have been spinning their wheels for a long time. People who have maybe been in therapy for years and can't seem to figure out why they're still stuck. People who have been in recovery for a number of years and can't understand why they're still not happy. Those are the people that I am able to best serve.

0:55:58 - (Marcy Langlois): If you're not sure if I meet your needs, you can absolutely schedule a free call with me and we can get on the phone. And if I'm not the right fit for you, then I definitely will let you know so that you can find somebody who can help you get to where you're trying to go.

0:56:14 - (Kevin Lowe): Amazing. You are so awesome. Thank you so much. I will be positive for the person interested in taking you up on that offer. I'll be sure that everything you just said is all in today's show notes. For easy access. For anybody interested in taking advantage of your just amazing generosity. Lastly, but certainly not least, is me. Just wanting once again to thank you for. For being so open, so honest, so real and vulnerable today to.

0:56:48 - (Kevin Lowe): To share your powerful story. You said that I made you smile. Well, I will say right back at you, you're an amazing, amazing woman. Your story is incredible for the fact that look where you are today, and you're such a beautiful example of what is possible. And so I just thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.

0:57:13 - (Marcy Langlois): Oh, thank you so much. This made my day. Really, honestly, I'm just so, so grateful.

0:57:19 - (Kevin Lowe): Thank you, absolutely, for you listening today. I hope you're smiling just as big as I am. I hope you have enjoyed today's episode. But more importantly, I hope something said today can impact your life from this day forward. If there's somebody you're thinking of that you think, you know what, they really need to hear this interview. Well, share it with them. Sharing is caring, after all. And with that, my friend, get out there and enjoy the day.

0:57:49 - (Kevin Lowe): This is Kevin Lowe with grit, grace, and inspiration.