Have you ever felt the weight of the world crashing down on you, yet still found the strength to keep going? Today's incredible guest has a story that exemplifies the level of pure grit and resilience required to beat even the most impossible of odds!

We all face our own battles, our own life-altering challenges, our own adversities that can seem insurmountable. By listening to the story of today's guest, you might just find the catalyst you need to push through your own struggles and emerge stronger on the other side!


Meet Marcy Langlois

Episode 306 of Grit, Grace, & Inspiration is a heart-wrenching yet uplifting chronicle of Marcy Langlois's life. From battling the physical and emotional scars of being born with a cleft lip and palate to overcoming addiction, Marcy's narrative is infused with raw emotion and ultimate triumph—a story that promises to leave you in awe as well as inspired.


Some Key Takeaways:

  • Discover the essence of true resilience as Marcy Langlois recounts her uplifting journey of confronting and conquering life's obstacles.
  • Be reminded of the pain words can cause and there long term implications. Bullying is one of the horrible aspects of Marcy's childhood.
  • Addiction comes in many different shapes and sizes. Listen as Marcy explains how she would unknowingly trade one addiction for another.
  • Learn about how Marcy has been able to heal herself, something that she now helps others to do in their own lives.


Get ready to immerse yourself in Marcy's powerful tale of triumph against all odds by playing Episode 306 now—you do not want to miss this life-changing story.


LINKS & RESOURCES FOR MARCY LANGLOIS



More About Marcy Langlois

Born with a cleft lip and palate, Marcy’s childhood was marked by an excruciating series of surgical procedures—23 in all before the age of 18. Because she looked and talked different than other kids, she was relentlessly teased and bullied. Her journey into adulthood was marked by challenging, traumatic, and downright tragic waypoints: coming out as a queer woman, involvement in a multiple-fatality car accident, and a devastating descent into addiction and chronic illness. Though she got off to a rough start in life, Marcy has discovered one thing: that no matter what obstacles are in your path, Living Beyond Your Limits is not just a dream—it’s infinitely possible.


Hey, it's Kevin!


I hope you enjoyed today's episode! If there is ever anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to reach out. Below, you will find ALL the places and ALL the ways to connect!


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  • Show Notes

    Have you ever felt the weight of the world crashing down on you, yet still found the strength to keep going? Today's incredible guest has a story that exemplifies the level of pure grit and resilience required to beat even the most impossible of odds!

    We all face our own battles, our own life-altering challenges, our own adversities that can seem insurmountable. By listening to the story of today's guest, you might just find the catalyst you need to push through your own struggles and emerge stronger on the other side!


    Meet Marcy Langlois

    Episode 306 of Grit, Grace, & Inspiration is a heart-wrenching yet uplifting chronicle of Marcy Langlois's life. From battling the physical and emotional scars of being born with a cleft lip and palate to overcoming addiction, Marcy's narrative is infused with raw emotion and ultimate triumph—a story that promises to leave you in awe as well as inspired.


    Some Key Takeaways:

    • Discover the essence of true resilience as Marcy Langlois recounts her uplifting journey of confronting and conquering life's obstacles.
    • Be reminded of the pain words can cause and there long term implications. Bullying is one of the horrible aspects of Marcy's childhood.
    • Addiction comes in many different shapes and sizes. Listen as Marcy explains how she would unknowingly trade one addiction for another.
    • Learn about how Marcy has been able to heal herself, something that she now helps others to do in their own lives.


    Get ready to immerse yourself in Marcy's powerful tale of triumph against all odds by playing Episode 306 now—you do not want to miss this life-changing story.


    LINKS & RESOURCES FOR MARCY LANGLOIS



    More About Marcy Langlois

    Born with a cleft lip and palate, Marcy’s childhood was marked by an excruciating series of surgical procedures—23 in all before the age of 18. Because she looked and talked different than other kids, she was relentlessly teased and bullied. Her journey into adulthood was marked by challenging, traumatic, and downright tragic waypoints: coming out as a queer woman, involvement in a multiple-fatality car accident, and a devastating descent into addiction and chronic illness. Though she got off to a rough start in life, Marcy has discovered one thing: that no matter what obstacles are in your path, Living Beyond Your Limits is not just a dream—it’s infinitely possible.


    Hey, it's Kevin!


    I hope you enjoyed today's episode! If there is ever anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to reach out. Below, you will find ALL the places and ALL the ways to connect!




    Stay Awesome! Live Inspired!

    © 2024 Grit, Grace, & Inspiration

    Show Transcript

    0:00:01 - (Kevin Lowe): Do you ever feel like the odds are stacked against you? You were losing before you ever even entered the game. If so, then this is the episode for you. Because today we're fighting back against those bad odds. Yeah. We're playing the hand that you were dealt, even if at first glance, there seems like there's not a single move you can make. Today, we're diving into a story that's as heart wrenching as it is inspiring.


    0:00:29 - (Kevin Lowe): And it's all happening right here, right now, inside of episode 306. Yo. Are you ready to flip the script on life? Cause those bad days, they're just doors to better days. And that's exactly what we do here at grit, grace, and inspiration. Your host, Kevin Lowe, he's been flipping the script on his own life, turning over 20 years of being completely blind into straight up inspiration, motivation, and encouragement just for you. So kick back, relax, and let me introduce you to your host, Kevin Lowe.


    0:01:05 - (Kevin Lowe): My friend, welcome back to the podcast. It is a pleasure to have you back here today, joining me in the studio with one of the most amazing women that you're ever going to meet. Her name is Marcy Langlois. And her story today, at first glance, is going to be heart wrenching. It's going to be sad because you could say that Marcie, she was born into adversity. You're going to hear her story today. But more importantly, I want you to hear her spirit.


    0:01:40 - (Kevin Lowe): I want you to hear the end. You can't stop at the beginning. You can't stop at the middle. You have to go to the end, because the end is where it all comes together. At the end is where the magic happens. Today is a story meant to inspire you. Pull at your heartstrings and empower you. This is the story of Marcy Langlois.


    0:02:05 - (Marcy Langlois): Actually, I was born with a cleft lip and palette. There's many different ways that you can be born with that. So I just want to differentiate exactly the way I was born. So I have a cleft lip and palette. And what that means is there's a hole. There's a hole in your lip where the lip does not form all the way across on your top lip. And the hole or the gap in the growth is just under your nose. And then if you have the palate issue also, then that means you have no roof to your mouth. Like, there's no palate.


    0:02:40 - (Marcy Langlois): And so literally, it's your nose into your mouth with no skin or tissue there at all.


    0:02:48 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Now, is that something that they. And obviously, technology advances, but is that something that your parents knew prior to you being born, or was that something that they didn't discover till after?


    0:03:03 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So I'm 48 years old, so when I was born, no, they did not know that I was going to be born this way. And cleft lip and palate also is often an indication that there's internal issues. So your heart can have significant problems. Your digestive tract and all of your major organs can be impaired from this issue. And so the cleft lip and palate is like the external sign that there's typically something internally occurring.


    0:03:35 - (Marcy Langlois): In my case, that wasn't true, though. I. Literally everything on me is in my face.


    0:03:42 - (Kevin Lowe): Yes. Okay, well, I guess that was a bonus.


    0:03:45 - (Marcy Langlois): Yes.


    0:03:47 - (Kevin Lowe): Yes. If we have to find a positive. Well. Well, talk to me a little bit. I mean, about what are the implications as a baby and then growing up through childhood of having this cleft lip and palate, what. What did that mean in terms of. Of treatment, surgeries, procedures? What did that look like?


    0:04:08 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So the first seven days of my life, I spent in the hospital at the university, and they were doing all sorts of tests to figure out what was wrong with me or what wasn't. And so that sort of paved the way for the rest of my life, those first seven days of my life, because I underwent a tremendous amount of trauma as a newborn baby through nobody's fault. I'm not blaming anybody, but that's what happened.


    0:04:36 - (Marcy Langlois): And our nervous system is wired in the first 90 days that we're alive for either safety or we're not safe. And so I definitely did not feel safe in the first seven days of my life. And then from there, it just sort of went downhill. I had my first surgery when I was three months old. My mother fed me with an eyedropper about every 20 minutes because I had no ability to suck out of a bottle. And that's how I was fed.


    0:05:04 - (Marcy Langlois): But I was never satiated, so I was often crying and cranky and could not be consoled or soothed. So it was difficult. It was difficult for me. My mom was young. She was only 19 when she had me, and I had an older brother at the time, and so she had a lot going on. And as I grew, that's the way it works with this, is that as you grow, then the surgeries are performed as the body is forming to keep up with the changes in the body.


    0:05:37 - (Marcy Langlois): So at 18 months old, they repaired my palate, and then I had nine major surgeries, consisting from the time I was three months old until I was 18 months old, and within those nine major surgeries, I had 23 surgical procedures. I had braces from the time I was in kindergarten until I graduated from high school. So for 13 years, I had braces on my teeth. I was at the orthodontist dentist, Ent specialist, weekly, monthly, I had speech lessons, and I was chronically ill. On top of that, I had ear infections every two weeks, and I was just always sick. I never felt well.


    0:06:20 - (Marcy Langlois): So it was this constant, ongoing thing.


    0:06:23 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, how? I mean, I think of a child having to go through this, but the fact was you never really knew anything different because you were born into it. So I guess I'm kind of curious, from your perspective, how did it really kind of impact your childhood as far as just getting to be a kid?


    0:06:46 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, right, exactly. It was a huge impact on my childhood. I mean, just thinking about going to the doctor and sitting there and waiting for the doctor, you know, this isn't the day when you would wait an hour to see the doctor. So as a little kid at five years old, sitting in a waiting room, you know, every week, every other week to see some doctor or some specialist or for speech lessons or whatever, it was, right? Like, I was always missing school for these appointments and then just the whole thing of having to sit and wait, right. As a little kid, when you have ants in your pants and you want to be having fun and you don't feel good, so you can't play outside with your friends, you know, it impacted it in every single way.


    0:07:36 - (Marcy Langlois): And then just the way that I looked and the way that I spoke is very different than the way I look and speak today. My whole face has been reconstructed. And so, you know, kids taunted and teased me and bullied me and, yeah, it was very, very impactful. It is the reason that I am who I am today, for sure.


    0:07:58 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. What about family and growing up in that regard? What was the family dynamics like? Did you have a lot of support from your parents or from your brother or other family members?


    0:08:12 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, you know, my. My father was an active alcoholic, and so it was chaotic and volatile with him all the time. You never really knew what you were going to get with him. And I. So he was not really supportive, like, day to day. When he was there, he was there, right? But he wasn't always there. And my mother was my rock. My mother is the one that navigated the medical system. I mean, navigating the medical system alone is really unbelievably challenging in so many regards. And when you have so many systems that have to overlap, and my needs were so extensive and so great and broad.


    0:08:56 - (Marcy Langlois): It's a lot. Right? And so she did that. She made sure that I received all the care, all the support, everything that I needed. She made sure that I had. And my brother was 19 months older than me, and he was my protector. He was the one that if kids made fun of me or picked on me or gave me a hard time in any way, he stood up for me so that kids wouldn't keep doing that to me. So, yeah, I was really supported, and my cousins and extended family were all very loving and kind towards me.


    0:09:29 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, that's amazing. Now, did you. Did you grow up, like always, in, like, the same home while growing up, and, like, near family the whole time you were a child?


    0:09:39 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So, yes. So my parents never got divorced. It was always, you know, the nucleus family was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. We lived in the same home from the time I was five years old on. We had lived a little bit around town. Before that. We had lived in multiple locations, and then we had a farm and that. We had a dairy farm in the eighties, and we lost the farm, and my parents had to file bankruptcy at that time because of the price of milk dropped.


    0:10:09 - (Marcy Langlois): So that's when it got really serious for us, and we were left with nothing. We had our mobile home trailer, and my dad was able to negotiate buying a piece of land, raw land. There was no utilities on the land from a farmer and make monthly payments to him. And so my dad drug that trailer out in the middle of a field, and that was our new home. So we had no running water and no electricity until my parents could save enough money and gather enough funding to be able to drill a well and get utilities to the trailer.


    0:10:45 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow, wow, wow. I hear that. And I wonder. So at that, you were five years old when you moved out there?


    0:10:53 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, we were. I was right around five or six. Yep.


    0:10:57 - (Kevin Lowe): So, I guess what I. What I'm curious about is just thinking about a child. At that point in your mindset, did you even think to yourself, oh, my gosh, this is horrible, we're moving to somewhere with no electricity. Or was it more like a fun adventure?


    0:11:17 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, that's a great question. You know, honestly, I think when I look back on that time, I can't remember thinking. I can't remember thinking anything more than, this is just how our life is. Right? Like, I wasn't like, oh, my God, we don't have any electricity or any running water. I was like, this is where we live, and my parents are going to figure it out kind of thing, or what? You know what I mean? Like, I don't even know that I considered any of it. I just.


    0:11:45 - (Marcy Langlois): This is what we did, and this is how we did it. And that is just the way it was.


    0:11:50 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. Makes total sense to me now. What about school? Obviously school. You kind of mentioned earlier about bullying and stuff, which only makes sense since little kids can be assholes. And talk to me, though, a little bit more about school and the fact of just, uh. Did you like school? Where did you go to school? What was that like for you? And. And kind of maybe even expand a little bit more on the bullying aspect.


    0:12:22 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So I went to a catholic school for the first seven years. I was raised in a devout catholic family, and they were really involved in our church. And so my father thought it was really important that we would go to a catholic school. And so we went to. And I grew up in Vermont, on the border of Canada and New York. So just in the. In the upper northwest corner of Vermont, and the school is actually in New York state.


    0:12:51 - (Marcy Langlois): And I went to school over there, and that's when I really realized that I was different. Prior to that, the people in our little local town, I grew up in a town of, like, 250 people, is tiny, tiny, tiny. Still, to this day, there's not even a stop sign there and. Or a stop light. Excuse me. There's a stop sign that there's not stoplight. And so, you know, I grew up in this really supportive community, and I was kind of cocooned, you know, really?


    0:13:20 - (Marcy Langlois): And then when I went to school, it was like somebody tearing the band aid off because I showed up at school and these kids were like, what is wrong with this girl's face? You know? And you can't hide your face. You know, you just can't hide your face, right? And as I said, I spoke differently. And so the kids pointed at me and they laughed. The worst was always when you didn't know what they were saying, but they were pointing and laughing.


    0:13:48 - (Marcy Langlois): It was better if they just called me flat nose or flat face, or they would stick their big lip out, their bottom lip out at me to mock me. You know, the thing was, is that what I learned in school, Washington, I mean, I learned a lot of things and I got a wonderful education. I'm so grateful for it today. But what I learned really was, is that if I could be who you wanted me to be, who those kids wanted me to be, then you would like me, and how could I accomplish that, right? So, like, I was hustling for love and acceptance, and I found a way to get love and acceptance by being smart, by being the know it all in class, by being the best at anything that I did.


    0:14:37 - (Marcy Langlois): So I was. I became an overachiever at a very young age. Immediately, really, once I figured this out, that. And being funny was. My other thing is I always use humor, and people would laugh and I would entertain people all of the time. And then that made me feel valuable and worthy and, like, I had a sense of belonging. Even though there were still kids on the periphery that were picking on me. I did make friends, and I did have good friends, and I'm so grateful for that experience, but I was selling myself out to get those friends because I was overcompensating for who I was. I never felt like I could just be me and it would be okay to be me.


    0:15:22 - (Kevin Lowe): How old were you when. When that all happened?


    0:15:26 - (Marcy Langlois): Oh, I've been doing that for as long as I can remember. I mean, literally, I don't. Yeah, I don't know. A time that I. That I didn't do that. I caught on really quickly, and because I felt so shitty about who I was and I had so much shame about who I was, I wanted relief from that, right? And the only way I knew how to get relief was by finding approval and acceptance outside of myself. In addition to all of that, when I was in elementary school, I would say again, like, kindergarten, first grade, I can't tell you the exact time and day, but I knew.


    0:16:05 - (Marcy Langlois): I knew that I was not attracted to boys. I knew that I was definitely attracted to girls, and that I thought, oh, my God, there's got to be some mistake in all of this. Like, you can't tell me that I have to deal with this, too. And so, you know, in good catholic fashion, I prayed that I would not have this. Right. I didn't know I was a lesbian or what you would call that, or. I didn't even know. Right.


    0:16:33 - (Marcy Langlois): But I just knew that I felt very different. And feeling the way that I felt was not acceptable. And so I had a tremendous amount of shame for the way I felt and who I knew I was. And no matter how much I tried to deny that or pray that it would be different or wish for it to be different, it would not leave me.


    0:16:55 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. I want to ask. You said a few minutes ago about this idea of at this young age, feeling ashamed and embarrassed of who you are. Did that begin once you went to school and the bullying started.


    0:17:11 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Yep. For sure. 100%.


    0:17:14 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. Okay, so let us just kind of realize when we talk about you being born into adversity, I mean, can we stop checking off boxes at some point? Because, I mean, you've told us you were born with a cleft lip and palate. You had a family dynamic that had you guys living without electricity and water, even though at the time it just seemed like normal life. Now you go to school, you're facing bullying, you're already as a young child having all these profound, honestly, mindset shifts for kind of just survival mode, and now you realize you're gay on top of it.


    0:18:03 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Yeah.


    0:18:05 - (Kevin Lowe): That is crazy.


    0:18:09 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, it was something. It was definitely something.


    0:18:13 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Okay, so. Oh, man. You get. And then, I mean, we're only in elementary school at this point, right?


    0:18:24 - (Marcy Langlois): Right. Yes.


    0:18:26 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. So when you realize the fact that you. You didn't like boys, how long did it take you as a child to really understand what that meant?


    0:18:40 - (Marcy Langlois): I think really probably around the age of when I got to middle school, it was really apparent, right? Like so apparent. And I just hated myself. Like, I hated myself for liking the same sex. Right? Like, being attracted to girls, you know, at twelve years old. And I just literally hated myself for it. And I kept thinking that I would just not act on it and I would try to pretend to like boys. And so I did that whole thing all the way through high school and then I finally couldn't take it anymore and I came out at the age of 21.


    0:19:30 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow, that's a long time to have to kind of swallow who you really are.


    0:19:37 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, it was awful. But also, I really didn't accept who I was in that regard until I was probably in my late thirties, maybe middle thirties, when I actually started to really accept who I was and accept my sexual orientation and let that shame go and all of that stuff. Yeah, that's been a really long process.


    0:20:04 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, absolutely. Back on your story, middle school. I read that in middle school. And I want you to talk to me about this whole part of your story is that you actually started drinking alcohol.


    0:20:18 - (Marcy Langlois): Yes, I did. I did. It was, uh. You know, I grew up in a family of alcoholics. You know, my dad's side of the family had a lot of drinking, a long line of drinking. So it was nothing. You know, not uncommon for us to go to my grandmother's house and everybody get rip roaring drunk. Well, not everybody. Our moms didn't. It was always our dads. My dad had there were five boys and two girls, so it wasn't uncommon for everybody to get together and there'd be a big old party, and this was regular, you know, this didn't happen, like, once a year. This happened, you know, a couple times a month maybe sometimes.


    0:20:57 - (Marcy Langlois): So we were exposed to alcohol all of the time. And so, you know, I'd always be fetching my dad's beers, the fridge for him, and I'd open the can of beer, and I'd take a big old chug off the top of his beer and then hand them the beer, you know? And, I mean, I started doing that when I was, like, five years old, six years old. Then when I got in the middle school, I went to. From the catholic school to the public school, and that was, like, crazy mind blowing for me.


    0:21:24 - (Marcy Langlois): I went from this highly structured environment where I was very disciplined and very routine, to this middle school that was public, that, you know, kids were talking back to teachers and not doing their homework. Like, all these things that were happening that I was just. I'd never even heard of. Like, I didn't even know you had the option to do those things, you know? And so it was kind of like this free for all that I was exposed to. And so I started, as I was doing that, was hanging out with different kids and different things were happening, and I hated myself so much because I was a lesbian and because of the way that I looked, and I just felt so much shame about who I was.


    0:22:08 - (Marcy Langlois): And I saw all these adults in my life having fun around me by drinking, and it seemed like they didn't care about things. They certainly all of that. So I was like, that could work for me. So I started drinking whenever I could get my hands on it and was around easily for me. I started drinking, and then it just really progressed as I went through high school, and then it became drugs and alcohol, but that's where it began for me.


    0:22:36 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. In high school. Talking about that, talk to me a little bit about those high school years. I know for a lot of people, middle school is horrible. High school tends to make things a little bit better. Did. Did things get better for you in high school as far as both kind of the bullying aspect and just kind of coming into who you were, the.


    0:23:03 - (Marcy Langlois): Bullying aspect was a little better because, as I said, I did. I was so fortunate to have a solid group of friends, and so even though there were still really mean people, I was able to let that go more. And I was really into sports. I got really into sports when I was very young, and I've played sports all of my life. They saved my life. Oh, my goodness. They saved my life. And, of course, it was the opportunity to perform.


    0:23:34 - (Marcy Langlois): So you would like me, right? If I was really good at basketball, then I'm the star of the basketball team. Nobody's going to make fun of the star of the basketball team, you know, so that's what I did. I used sports as a way to check out and a way to handle all of these things that were going on for me. And then I made the varsity basketball team in my freshman year, and then I decided that drugs and alcohol were more important than basketball. And I quit sports.


    0:24:02 - (Marcy Langlois): I stopped playing sports. I was done everything by my sophomore year. And I also started having surgeries. The surgeries really intensified in my high school years. Like, I had my jaws broke two times in a row, and I had my nose reconstructed. I had plates and screws put in my face and taken out, and I had bone taken out of my hip and put in my jaws. And, I mean, I really went through it physically in high school, and so that was really difficult for me. My high school years were a lot of fun because I partied like a rock star.


    0:24:38 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I had a lot of fun, and I did have a lot of time to get to hang out with my friends. But I also had, on the other hand, a really tough time with everything that was going on with my surgeries and all of the medical care that I was receiving. So high school was a mixed bag for me. Like, there were a lot of, like, my, you know, most cherished memories come from that time in my life and also some of the absolute worst.


    0:25:08 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. I mean, I can't help but. But just think again how the two components that you just described, they. They truly go hand in hand. The. The fact of the surgeries and dealing with that and the easy way to deal with it is through the drinking and drugs. Yeah. Wow. When we start talking about later years of high school, did you have plans for after high school at that point, like, as far as college or career paths or maybe just what you wanted to do with your life?


    0:25:42 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, I always wanted to. Well, not always. You know, I was like any other kids, like, you know, trying to figure it out as I went. But in the end, I really decided that I wanted to be. I wanted to be a therapist and I wanted to work with young kids. So I had gotten accepted to college, and I was super stoked about going to college because I felt like, okay, all the surgeries are over. My last one was the summer going into my senior year. So it's like my senior year felt like this breath of fresh air, right? Like I can turn the page. Finally, I'm done growing. There's no need for any more surgeries. The braces came off my teeth.


    0:26:24 - (Marcy Langlois): You know, I'm feeling more confident because of the way I look now after all of these reconstructive surgeries. And then. So I'm looking forward to college and all of these things. And then in January of 94, my senior year, I was on my way to my after school job, and I got in a devastating car accident.


    0:26:47 - (Kevin Lowe): Talk to me about that. What happened?


    0:26:49 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. So I don't want to go into all the details because I don't want to traumatize your audience. That's really important for me. But essentially what happened was a car pulled out in front of me because he did not see me, and I hit that car broadside. And the three passengers that were in that car perished that day. And so that's still hard to talk about 30 years later. It's not hard to talk about, per se, but it's still tender, you know what I'm saying?


    0:27:25 - (Marcy Langlois): Of course, yeah. So, yeah, three lives were lost that day, and I felt responsible. I felt responsible for the loss of those lives because I had hit that car. And that was the story I adopted. And even though I was never found at fault in any way whatsoever, legally or otherwise, I adopted the story that I was responsible. So I woke up every single day believing and telling myself that I had killed three people and that I didn't deserve to be alive.


    0:28:00 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. Wow, what a heavy thing for a child to have to deal with.


    0:28:07 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah.


    0:28:08 - (Kevin Lowe): At that time, were you drinking or on drugs?


    0:28:13 - (Marcy Langlois): No, I was not. I was not drinking the day of the accident. That morning before school, I had a. I had one drink. I had vodka and orange juice. It was the first time I ever drank before school, and I had drank that morning. But the accident happened at 05:00 at night. And, of course, because there was lives lost and the severity of the accident, you know, they gave me a breathalyzer. I mean, everything, right. This was a four year lawsuit that happened after this. It was awful.


    0:28:48 - (Marcy Langlois): But, yeah, I was not doing drugs or alcohol when I got in that accident. Thank God.


    0:28:54 - (Kevin Lowe): Yes, absolutely.


    0:28:56 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah.


    0:28:57 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. So at that point, you're kind of in the second half of senior year, you have these plans of college and career. What happened with life at that point?


    0:29:11 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, I, um. My life as I knew it and did that in that moment, I could not deal with anything. I was so shut down. You know, catastrophic trauma like that, our body is. Is really amazing at what it does to protect us when these events happen. So basically what happened is my body was flooded with a ton of chemicals that put me in shock. And I was in shock for years, literally years. I would wake up every day and not know if that accident had really happened. Like, I couldn't differentiate between what was really happening and not happening.


    0:29:55 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I could not go to school. I didn't want to be around anybody. You want to talk about shame and guilt? Oh, my God. I felt like I couldn't. I felt like I was walking around with a billboard on top of my head that said, I killed three people. So even if you didn't know me, I felt like you knew what I had done. That's the way I face the world every day. And so the only way I could manage those feelings that were so big and so intense was to drink and drug.


    0:30:28 - (Marcy Langlois): So I went to college because my mom was like, you have to go to college. You have to go to college because you're killing yourself here, right? Like, you're. You're literally killing yourself. So I went to college, and I went to college for six or eight weeks. I can't remember six or eight weeks. I never attended one single class. All I did was get loaded, you know, just did drugs and drank all day, every day. Literally from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed.


    0:30:58 - (Marcy Langlois): And I desperately wanted to get out of there. Living in a dorm with what I was dealing with, I just. I could not deal with it like, I could. I wasn't resourced enough to manage what that looks like. And so I called my mom one day, I think it was in October, and I said to her, look, if you don't come get me, then I'm going to take my life like it's that serious. I can't. Like, I don't think you're understanding how bad this is, but I can't. I literally can't do this for one more minute.


    0:31:35 - (Marcy Langlois): And my mom said, I'm going to come and get you. The only way I'm going to come and get you is if you leave. You have to. You have to put a plan in place, and you have to leave Vermont because you're going to end up killing yourself with drinking and drugging, and you just. You need a fresh start and you need to go somewhere else, and you. And you need to do something different. And I said, I'll do anything as long as you'll come pick me up. And so she came and got me.


    0:32:02 - (Marcy Langlois): I went home, and I got, like, three jobs for the next six months. I saved some money, and I moved. I closed my eyes, I picked a spot on the map, and I pointed to the middle of Florida, and that's where I moved. I moved to Florida. And the whole time, this accident was plaguing me every single day of my life because there was this lawsuit. There were multiple lawsuits going on with all these high powered insurance companies and attorneys that were calling, and it was a living nightmare.


    0:32:37 - (Marcy Langlois): So, you know, that just fueled the drug and alcohol use, and I continued to do the same behavior.


    0:32:44 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Wow. When you moved to Florida, did things get any better at all?


    0:32:53 - (Marcy Langlois): No, I just found people that did the exact same thing that I did, you know, that drank and drugged. I left Vermont in six months after I came home from college. And so I was living in Florida all by myself or with my friend at the time, and him and I left Vermont together. And so I was in Florida, and I just found people that drank and drugged just like I did. You know, people that were, you know, had their own trauma and their own life experiences that they hadn't recovered from, and those became my people.


    0:33:22 - (Marcy Langlois): And so I just carried on. And in Florida, it was really. It was really awful. I mean, I was. I couldn't recognize myself as that person today. You know what I mean? Like, I just.


    0:33:34 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah.


    0:33:34 - (Marcy Langlois): I was so out of control, and I really just wanted to die. I was in so much emotional pain. It was unbelievable.


    0:33:42 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, yeah. Did you say earlier that when you were in high school originally, that you wanted to become a therapist?


    0:33:51 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah, that's what I was going to college for. I wanted to help young kids go through what I went through.


    0:33:58 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. So did you at all during this whole period ever see a therapist yourself?


    0:34:05 - (Marcy Langlois): I did go to therapy, but I couldn't. I mean, I had so much trauma prior to the car accident that I had not dealt with. So now trying to show up in therapy and just peel off the car accident and deal with that, there was so much back story and so much trauma there that was unresolved. It was futile, really, is the best way to describe it, because I was so dysregulated emotionally. My nervous system was so fragmented.


    0:34:39 - (Marcy Langlois): I just. I had so much stuff that I was contending with that therapy was not helpful for me at that time.


    0:34:46 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah, basically. Basically, this car accident, it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't just a car accident. It was a lifetime.


    0:34:56 - (Marcy Langlois): That's right. That's right. Yes.


    0:34:58 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. I. Wow. How long would this, we'll say, chapter of your life go on for?


    0:35:05 - (Marcy Langlois): Yeah. Until I was 27. So, ten years after the car accident, I got sober.


    0:35:11 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow. That's a long time.


    0:35:13 - (Marcy Langlois): It is a

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