Show Transcript

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Like so many of the stories shared here on the podcast, we have yet another

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woman who's going to blow you away because, well, she figured out how to turn

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her deepest trauma into unstoppable strength.

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Despite a childhood that more resembled a real-life nightmare and suffering

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even more trauma in adulthood, Serena Mastin, in spite of it all,

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has emerged from the flames like a phoenix.

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Her story, it's sure to grip you, move you, and hopefully inspire you to gain

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your own courage to turn your own trauma into strength.

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You will not want to miss a single moment of this captivating interview with Serena Mastiff.

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My friend, I welcome you to What Is, episode 294.

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What's up, my friend, and welcome to Grit Graceland Inspiration.

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I am your host, Kevin Lowe.

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20 years ago, I awoke from a life-saving surgery only to find that I was left completely blind.

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And since that day, I've learned a lot about life, a lot about living, and a lot about myself.

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And here on this podcast, I want to share those insights with you.

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Because friend, if you are still searching for your purpose,

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still trying to understand why, or still left searching for that next right

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path to take, well, consider this to be your stepping stone to get you from

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where you are to where you want to be.

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All right, you gotta get real with me. I've been asking you if there's anything

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that here on the podcast we can help you pray for.

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We've been doing prayer requests and I would love to be able to help you in

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praying for something weighing heavy on your heart.

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Now, here's the problem. is this only works with participation.

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And I mean, I guess my hope is, is that you don't have anything you need help and praying for.

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That everything in life is just absolutely beautiful.

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But unless you're not living in this world, chances are you're probably struggling with something.

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You're worried about something or there's somebody in your life who is hurting.

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That is exactly what this is here for, is I have a platform reaching people

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all over the entire globe.

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And if we can be joined together, all praying for one thing each week,

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I feel like that can make a positive impact in the world.

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If you have a prayer request, please send to me via text message to 877-749-8178.

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Again, send your prayer request to me via text message to 877-749-8178.

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As always, your prayer request can be kept anonymous. That is totally up to you.

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I am just here to get your prayer request heard by more people who can lift it up in prayer.

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So again, send that prayer request in and it can be featured on a future episode

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of the podcast. Until then, I hope you enjoy today's episode.

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I would say the turning point in my life where I felt that my story was something

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that people needed to hear was really probably in my 30s.

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I had a mentor, and he's actually still my mentor, and he told me,

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he said, your story is so powerful, you need to share it.

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And I kind of brushed it off thinking like, no, everyone has a story.

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Why is mine any different?

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But then I started hearing that same thing from other people.

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And I went back to him and he's like, you should write a book.

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And I was like, no, no, I'm not a writer. And so I denied it for a long time.

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But when I recognized that my story was powerful and real, it wasn't actually

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until I started writing it.

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And that's when I really started to see the depth of my personal story.

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I knew my story was different and unique throughout my life,

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but the depth and the purpose didn't come until I started writing some of those emotions down.

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Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. That's interesting. So with that said, take me back to

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childhood because I know that's kind of when the whole story begins.

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And I would love for you to just take me back to those days and paint that picture

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for me of what childhood was like for you.

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You know, I had the blonde, greasy hair and dirt-stained feet and ripped jeans.

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So I remember specifically, my favorite sweater was a baby blue unicorn sweater,

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and the unicorn was in sequence.

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So it was, you know, that was my outfit that I just never took off as a five-year-old

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little girl. But I can say that my first memory is going through the trailer park that we lived in.

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And what I didn't understand is that we were being locked in the trailer and

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that all of our actions and anything that we did were being recorded and we

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were being followed when we would leave the trailer.

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So at the time, I didn't understand that.

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But what I did clearly understand was the amount of fear and trauma and sexual

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abuse that was happening by my father.

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So there's a specific memory that I that I had where he was. I was in the kitchen.

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I had my little bare feet on the linoleum tile, you know, the linoleum ground.

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And I remember looking up and seeing this giant, like, black, like, pot that.

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And he was in the kitchen hovering over, making some sort of what I thought at the time was food.

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But what I found out later was that he was kind of creating a spell.

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My biological father was the leader of a satanic cult.

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Although as a child, I didn't fully comprehend that.

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There were a lot of things like that moment that definitely made it very real

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for me. And so that night he was preparing a spell because he was planning to

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sacrifice my sister and I to the cult.

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And what that means is that it could be a sexual sacrifice.

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It could have been, at that time, sex trafficking was not a term,

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but it could have been something like that.

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And the morning before he was able to follow through on his plans was when my

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mom was able to get my sister and I out and my grandparents came and picked us up.

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We had to go to a public place so we couldn't be running away and then going and hiding.

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We had to be in a public place so that everyone could see if anything did happen

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and my grandparents picked us up that day And by the next morning,

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Child Protective Services came and just ripped me out of my mom's arms.

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So my mom had to earn her rights back as a parent because of the sexual abuse

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and the, you know, the obviously the dangerous situations that we were in.

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So she had to earn her rights back while my sister and I were put into witness protection.

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Wow. Now, so your mom was not part of the cult?

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No, my mom was, it was a time where, you know, in the 80s where a lot of these

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things weren't talked about. out. There wasn't a lot of education about it.

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And so she wasn't very familiar with what was happening.

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And at a certain point, she said that she was brainwashed.

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There's so much manipulation, so much gaslighting.

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It was almost like she couldn't tell the reality from fiction

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because some of these things that she saw or that she was exposed to were just

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so frightening that she went into her own safety mode of protecting herself

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and not knowing how to get out.

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Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Now, what made her finally decide, I have to leave?

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Was it because of she knew what was about to happen?

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I think she had been trying to leave for a long time once she started to see the patterns.

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And And for instance, she would find me hiding in the closet when she would

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get home from the grocery store and I would be,

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you know, terrified and she'd have to kind of get me back into a state of, you know, calm because,

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you know, at that point she didn't understand or know what was happening, but my...

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When she was gone, my father was performing sexual acts and forcing me to perform

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those sexual acts as well.

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So she knew something was happening, but she didn't fully grasp the amount of

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trauma that we were experiencing.

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And so she was trying to get out and couldn't because there was people following

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her everywhere she went.

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There was tape recorders throughout the entire house. And what happened is that

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one of the other cult members that was responsible for watching over us that morning,

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he was the one that was able to facilitate and help get us out between that time period.

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Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Remind me how old you were at this time? I was five years old.

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It was almost my sixth birthday.

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My gosh. From there, I was I went through nine different foster homes.

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I lived with a family member that was, you know, she really believed in cruel

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and unusual punishment and didn't know how to handle me.

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Because at this point, I disassociated from reality.

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I acted out. You know, I didn't have a lot of the skills that a child at that age should have.

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Which would also make her very frustrated. And I also would separate myself from punishment.

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So because I'd endured so much pain at such a young age, I started to really

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separate myself from reality.

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And so it wouldn't phase me.

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And so it became something thing where she tried multiple different things that

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eventually impacted my psyche, impacted my level of confidence,

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and it fueled my insecurity.

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So one of the scenarios that had happened when I was living with this particular

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family member was I remember at this point, I am about eight years old.

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So I'd been in and out of foster homes through this entire period.

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And I was getting into the shower.

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And as an eight-year-old, you're taking your shirt off and it sticks to your

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head. So it becomes like a hat, your shirt does.

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And basically, I'd taken my underwear off, but they were still around my ankles.

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So I'm dancing as a little eight-year-old girl with with the shower running in the mirror.

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And I decided to do mouthwash commercials because I thought that I was destined to be an actress.

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And so I'm doing these little mouthwash commercials and making funny faces.

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And I hear the footsteps coming down the hallway and she burst open the door. And this is my aunt.

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She burst open the door and she says, what are you doing? and I quickly hid

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the mouthwash bottle behind my back.

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Because I knew I'd been in trouble. I'd probably been in there way longer than

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I should have. And I hadn't even gotten in the shower yet.

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I forgot that there's a giant mirror in front of me.

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So having the mouthwash behind my back was probably not the best hiding place.

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And I said nothing. And she said, you know, obviously she was yelling.

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She was angry that I hadn't gotten to the shower.

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And she pulled me by my arm and she pulled me into down the hallway into the

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front room where there was this bay window that overlooked the street.

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And she made me stand in front of

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the bay window with my panties around my ankles and my shirt on my head.

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And at that particular time, my cousin who was a teenager, him and his friends

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were moving things in and out of the house.

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And so I was humiliated standing there as a little eight-year-old girl with

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my shirt on my head and my panties around my ankles.

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The very place that you were placed to keep you safe.

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And yet you were just put right back into another horrible situation.

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Yes. And, you know, the foster system tries to place you with family members

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or with foster providers that that are going to be good for you.

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But you have to remember that there's so many children in foster care,

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and there's so little resources.

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Yes. And so things like, and at that time, I couldn't articulate what was happening.

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So, and most children at that age really can't.

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But that was just a defining moment

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that really impacted my self-esteem throughout my life, which then...

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You know, when I did actually, when my mother finally earned her rights back

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as a parent was when I was 10 years old.

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And by that point, yes, I was elated and excited to be with my mother because

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I had prayed every night that I would be with her again.

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However, on the other side of that, I had just so much damage that I had to

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work through. And so it was constant counseling sessions and things like that.

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But by the time I was 16, I ran away and I lived on the streets.

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And so even though my mother worked so hard to get me back, I just had this

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level of independence. independence and it was like trying to find my own identity

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based on some of the things that I experienced.

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And then my choice to live on the streets and go through that was,

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you know, a whole different chapter in my, not only in my book,

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but in my life that opened up, you know, other doors that created more trauma.

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So I struggled with addiction.

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You know, I was raped by two different I was in fights on the streets with men

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fighting for my own protection.

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And so that definitely led to some even more horrific experiences that I faced as a teenager as well.

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I want to back up a little bit to younger, and I have two questions.

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My first question is, talk to me about the difference between a kid being in

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the foster care and you being in foster care, but also in witness protection.

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I mean, what does that mean?

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So what that means is that no one is able to get the location for the child

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and witness protection.

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So for my personal situation, if a family member was trying to find where we

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were because they were concerned or, you know, whatever it was,

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the moment that they found which foster provider, you know, we were with,

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we would have to be moved in the middle of the night.

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So not even a family member that was a good family member, grandfather,

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grandmother, it didn't matter.

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If anyone found out where we were, we would be moved immediately.

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My sister and I were separated on multiple occasions because the foster providers

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just didn't have enough space for both of us.

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So yeah, it's an interesting experience. There was not like a name change or

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anything like that. I think we were too young at that time.

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But it was constant moving into new places in the middle of the night,

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into unfamiliar places that you've never been before with different cultures.

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There was an Asian family that didn't speak English at one point.

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And I remember it was like a six-year-old little girl.

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I'm trying to communicate and I

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don't understand why they can't clearly articulate what they're asking me.

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I don't know what language they're speaking because as a child,

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you don't comprehend those things.

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And I just remember for that particular family, I wouldn't eat anything because

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I wasn't familiar with their food.

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So they would have me peel potatoes and I would peel potatoes.

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And then the the man, you know, the husband and wife, the man would would cut

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the potatoes and make me French fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner because

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that was the only thing I would eat.

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Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Very wild. Wow. Now, all this time, were you also going to school?

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Yes. So that that is another interesting thing is that you you're enrolled in

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all these different schools.

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But at six years old, you're so young that you go into the kindergarten or the child care.

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And so it wasn't until I was placed with a family member that I was really going

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through the full elementary classes and had a teacher.

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Most of the other time, I was kind of being tossed around.

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I remember going to school, but I couldn't tell you a lot of memories around it.

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In fact, one of the things that I did as a child was I blocked out specific

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memories if they were too hard for me to process.

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So some of those memories didn't actually come back until I was much older.

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Wow. Well, when you finally got to reconvene with your mom, which you said,

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I believe you were 10 years old.

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Yes. Yeah. Why do you feel like you then six years later would run away?

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You know, I think that, well, let me let me go back because one of the foster

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homes that I was at when I was six years old, I ran away from the foster home.

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So I have to say that it was my coping mechanism was to run away.

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And which completely aligns with some of the patterns of my story.

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You know, we had to run away from, you know, my biological father.

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I ran away from, you know, one of the foster homes trying to find my mom at six years old.

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And then as a teenager, I ran away because I couldn't adapt to a lot of the

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restrictions or rules that I felt were unreasonable.

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But every teenage, you know, especially every teenage girl believes that,

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you know, they know everything.

00:20:30.095 --> 00:20:33.895

And so by that point, I was just too far gone.

00:20:34.475 --> 00:20:36.195

Hmm. Yeah.

00:20:36.795 --> 00:20:40.215

How long did you live homeless?

00:20:41.075 --> 00:20:43.555

I lived on the streets for about a year and a half.

00:20:44.683 --> 00:20:50.623

And so at first, it started with staying at friends' houses and kind of bouncing,

00:20:50.783 --> 00:20:52.723

you know, from one place to the next.

00:20:52.943 --> 00:20:56.503

But that quickly, it ran its course.

00:20:56.863 --> 00:21:00.643

And so there were some nights where I slept in abandoned houses.

00:21:00.643 --> 00:21:06.783

One night that I specifically write about in my book is I slept on the park

00:21:06.783 --> 00:21:12.003

bench across from the high school because I didn't have a place to go that night.

00:21:12.303 --> 00:21:20.403

And then I woke up in the morning on this little park bench with dew on my face

00:21:20.403 --> 00:21:22.423

because that's how cold it was.

00:21:22.423 --> 00:21:30.043

And as soon as I heard the, you know, the chain link fences opening on the campus,

00:21:30.343 --> 00:21:36.943

I snuck through and went into the girls locker room to shower and get ready

00:21:36.943 --> 00:21:40.283

because I still attended high school.

00:21:40.283 --> 00:21:46.383

I still wanted to make sure I seemed like or I pretended to have it all together.

00:21:46.923 --> 00:21:52.643

But even when everything was falling apart, I still pretended like I was strong

00:21:52.643 --> 00:21:57.183

and I had it all together and and that I could do this on my own.

00:21:57.943 --> 00:22:03.603

Yeah. Wow. What about your sister? Did she follow a similar path or no?

00:22:03.603 --> 00:22:07.083

No, we went in completely different paths.

00:22:07.423 --> 00:22:14.083

So my sister actually loved living with the family member that that I,

00:22:14.123 --> 00:22:15.903

you know, was mistreated with.

00:22:16.063 --> 00:22:20.843

And she ended up staying with her instead of going back with my mom.

00:22:21.343 --> 00:22:28.123

And it's also because my sister was 10 when we got taken away and I was five.

00:22:28.283 --> 00:22:33.523

So she saw a lot more and she had a lot more anger towards my mom.

00:22:33.663 --> 00:22:40.363

But on the flip side, she had more of a desire to follow a certain structure

00:22:40.363 --> 00:22:47.903

and kind of create, you know, safety. Whereas I, I really ran towards getting away.

00:22:48.243 --> 00:22:54.223

I was running away and she wanted to stay and find, you know, reprieve.

00:22:54.903 --> 00:23:00.723

Yeah. I mean, basically, you're basically your entire childhood was spent running.

00:23:01.723 --> 00:23:03.383

Yes. Either running or hiding.

00:23:04.463 --> 00:23:08.903

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Back to where you kind of left off on on this,

00:23:08.903 --> 00:23:13.643

this journey of your life when you talked Talked about being on the streets,

00:23:13.863 --> 00:23:15.323

but still going to high school.

00:23:16.182 --> 00:23:21.022

What happens from there? How do you get off of the streets? And where does life

00:23:21.022 --> 00:23:22.802

go maybe after high school?

00:23:23.102 --> 00:23:28.882

You know, so my my mom, as much as I tortured her as a teenager and I was a horrible child,

00:23:29.042 --> 00:23:40.022

my my mom, she's always loved me unconditionally and given me the space to make my own decisions.

00:23:40.022 --> 00:23:47.142

And when I was living on the streets, I had three jobs, I would take the bus to each job.

00:23:47.442 --> 00:23:53.522

And my only way of being able to, you know, survive, at least is what my excuse

00:23:53.522 --> 00:23:58.502

was at the time, was that I was abusing methamphetamines.

00:23:58.502 --> 00:24:05.202

And so I would take them to stay up at night so that, you know,

00:24:05.202 --> 00:24:06.762

wherever I was, I was alert.

00:24:07.002 --> 00:24:12.302

And then I would need to continue the usage throughout the day to get through my classes.

00:24:12.782 --> 00:24:18.522

And then, of course, I would be taking the bus to one of the three jobs that I had at the time.

00:24:18.522 --> 00:24:24.982

And so there was a point where I had a breaking point and that I'd probably

00:24:24.982 --> 00:24:30.422

gone for several days, if not over a week without recovery.

00:24:31.108 --> 00:24:36.568

Proper nutrition, and I fainted at one of my jobs.

00:24:36.968 --> 00:24:43.668

And at that moment, I knew the only person that I could call was my mom.

00:24:43.788 --> 00:24:49.588

And she came and she picked me up and really just nursed me back to health until

00:24:49.588 --> 00:24:53.888

I was able to finish my final coursework to graduate.

00:24:54.208 --> 00:25:00.328

And so I graduated. I was off again, but this time I was off with a purpose.

00:25:00.568 --> 00:25:08.308

I stopped, you know, using drugs and I started really focusing on my dreams and my goals.

00:25:08.668 --> 00:25:13.188

And from there, that's when I, once I graduated high school,

00:25:13.228 --> 00:25:19.548

it was almost like a clean slate and I started over and that's when I started

00:25:19.548 --> 00:25:21.788

to climb the corporate ladder. Wow.

00:25:22.608 --> 00:25:30.268

I mean, that's incredible. I mean, the fact that we just went through the story

00:25:30.268 --> 00:25:35.248

you've shared pretty much your entire childhood to then all of a sudden,

00:25:35.988 --> 00:25:37.308

things just taking off for you.

00:25:37.408 --> 00:25:42.608

Was there anyone who you would say was a mentor, an influence,

00:25:42.608 --> 00:25:47.168

who helped you and even coming from where you came,

00:25:47.328 --> 00:25:52.768

but knowing that there's more and to get you to where you are today.

00:25:52.868 --> 00:25:58.468

Was there anybody back then that you look to for that influence or support?

00:25:58.808 --> 00:26:05.928

You know, the one person that continues to still be that pillar in my life is

00:26:05.928 --> 00:26:12.148

my mother. And despite of my choices, she loved and accepted me unconditionally.

00:26:12.468 --> 00:26:18.148

And that was just a beautiful thing. And to surround myself with people that

00:26:18.148 --> 00:26:21.768

really a sense of community of people that were.

00:26:22.646 --> 00:26:27.946

Encouraging me to do the right thing and to course correct my path.

00:26:28.146 --> 00:26:34.786

That was really the way that I was able to kind of get myself out of that darkness.

00:26:34.966 --> 00:26:39.546

And once I entered into the corporate world, then, you know,

00:26:39.546 --> 00:26:45.866

I had mentors that, you know, were leading me, whether they were managers or, you know, executives,

00:26:46.146 --> 00:26:53.126

I was in a place where I was, you know, I admired them and I wanted to be like them.

00:26:53.286 --> 00:26:59.606

And so I was willing at that point to do whatever it took to now shift the course of my life.

00:26:59.826 --> 00:27:04.226

And that's, that's why I started climbing the corporate ladders because I was

00:27:04.226 --> 00:27:09.086

inspired by all these people that I saw doing great things.

00:27:09.206 --> 00:27:11.506

And I wanted to be one of those people.

00:27:12.766 --> 00:27:19.126

I love it so much. I want to ask you one more question before we continue is

00:27:19.126 --> 00:27:25.126

at At what point were you able to get out of witness protection?

00:27:25.566 --> 00:27:30.126

Probably when I was about eight years old, when I was placed with the family member.

00:27:30.426 --> 00:27:35.286

Once I was placed with a family member, and that's because during that time,

00:27:35.446 --> 00:27:40.646

that few years was going through court hearings and, you know,

00:27:40.686 --> 00:27:44.486

my biological father was incarcerated at that point.

00:27:44.486 --> 00:27:51.746

So that's really the thing they were trying to protect us from was him finding us. Yes. Okay.

00:27:52.626 --> 00:27:56.446

Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay. I just had to, I just had to answer that,

00:27:56.486 --> 00:27:58.126

get that answer because I was wondering.

00:27:58.646 --> 00:28:02.426

So here you are climbing the corporate ladder.

00:28:02.606 --> 00:28:08.266

I guess I would love to know, I mean, what dreams did you have at that point

00:28:08.266 --> 00:28:13.646

in your life and kind of where did life end up taking you? You know,

00:28:13.686 --> 00:28:16.266

at the, at the time, it's so funny.

00:28:16.346 --> 00:28:19.606

People ask me like, what did you want to be when you grew up?

00:28:19.626 --> 00:28:27.466

Like as a child, you know, and the one thing that I had in my vision and don't

00:28:27.466 --> 00:28:31.886

ask me where this came from, but I wanted to be this,

00:28:32.026 --> 00:28:34.946

you know, business woman in a business suit.

00:28:34.946 --> 00:28:39.566

And I didn't know what direction I was going to.

00:28:39.666 --> 00:28:47.386

I started in real estate, but I was just too young for that and kind of evolved

00:28:47.386 --> 00:28:53.706

into customer service and sales, which then led me into marketing.

00:28:54.505 --> 00:29:01.025

And that's where I found my passion for marketing, which is why I founded my

00:29:01.025 --> 00:29:06.225

marketing agency in 2013 was because it became something that,

00:29:06.225 --> 00:29:08.365

you know, was my passion.

00:29:08.445 --> 00:29:12.205

But remember, I tried to go to college.

00:29:12.245 --> 00:29:16.705

I tried to do those things, but I had to survive still. I was still,

00:29:16.825 --> 00:29:24.325

even though I graduated from high school, now I wanted to actually provide for myself.

00:29:24.645 --> 00:29:33.325

So trying to squeeze in college and working more than one job became really challenging.

00:29:33.325 --> 00:29:41.665

And so I found myself fully emerged and working, you know, through and climbing that corporate ladder.

00:29:42.025 --> 00:29:47.085

And during that period, I had my son and then my daughter.

00:29:47.225 --> 00:29:55.785

And then it wasn't until about 2010 that I met my husband, Kyle. Okay. Okay.

00:29:56.425 --> 00:30:00.845

Talk to me about that. Talk to me about Kyle. He was the kind of person that

00:30:00.845 --> 00:30:07.005

was just charismatic and charming and just this beautiful spirit.

00:30:07.245 --> 00:30:13.245

And this sounds so cliche, but he could absolutely light up a room with his personality.

00:30:14.045 --> 00:30:21.085

And he swept me off my feet. I'd never experienced a love that I was so,

00:30:21.205 --> 00:30:23.945

it felt like it was all consuming.

00:30:25.265 --> 00:30:28.805

He played the guitar and he would sing to me and he would make,

00:30:28.905 --> 00:30:34.125

he would change the words in some of the songs, you know, to include something

00:30:34.125 --> 00:30:37.945

special about me, even if it was like a song you would hear on the radio.

00:30:37.945 --> 00:30:45.585

He painted this large canvas, you know, of my, basically of my side profile.

00:30:46.245 --> 00:30:52.965

And it was just like this beautiful canvas. And I was like, who does this stuff? Like, this is insane.

00:30:53.205 --> 00:30:58.765

Like, he was just this amazing person. He had like this adventurous spirit.

00:30:59.790 --> 00:31:03.350

And I just fell head over heels.

00:31:03.550 --> 00:31:10.530

Like I couldn't even describe to you the type of love that I felt for him.

00:31:10.730 --> 00:31:16.830

And so we were together for two years and we got married.

00:31:16.910 --> 00:31:21.550

We did like a beautiful wedding in Napa, California.

00:31:22.890 --> 00:31:28.890

And with literally the entire Napa Valley in the backdrop. drop.

00:31:29.090 --> 00:31:34.690

And he sang and played the guitar as I walked down the aisle.

00:31:35.070 --> 00:31:41.670

Oh, wow. Yeah. Like just the most amazing person you could ever imagine,

00:31:41.850 --> 00:31:44.550

like your ultimate soulmate.

00:31:44.770 --> 00:31:51.570

But when things started to turn was about two weeks after our honeymoon.

00:31:51.770 --> 00:31:56.110

At this point, I'm a VP of marketing for a large organization.

00:31:56.670 --> 00:32:01.150

And I'm sitting in my office and it was an executive suite.

00:32:01.610 --> 00:32:05.930

So typically only the executives were in the office. And at this point,

00:32:05.950 --> 00:32:08.130

it was in the middle of the day.

00:32:08.190 --> 00:32:13.990

And I was working through my lunch because I had just gotten back from my honeymoon.

00:32:14.110 --> 00:32:18.350

So I was working through my lunch, but the remainder of the executives were

00:32:18.350 --> 00:32:27.330

out. and a woman comes in through the office reception area and the receptionist is gone.

00:32:27.550 --> 00:32:32.110

And so I look up and I was about to notion her like, you know, how could I help you?

00:32:32.590 --> 00:32:36.450

And she said my name. She said Serena.

00:32:36.790 --> 00:32:42.750

And at that moment, I just felt like my stomach dropped and I knew that this

00:32:42.750 --> 00:32:49.010

was much more than just someone, coming to meet with somebody in the office.

00:32:49.290 --> 00:32:53.970

And she came into my office and she closed the door behind her and she sat in

00:32:53.970 --> 00:32:55.830

the chair across from my desk.

00:32:55.870 --> 00:32:59.550

And she said, I've been with Kyle for the last two years.

00:32:59.790 --> 00:33:10.070

And she sent me over 300 emails, text messages and photos between the the two

00:33:10.070 --> 00:33:11.870

of them for that time period.

00:33:12.010 --> 00:33:16.510

So the entire time that we were together, he was also with her.

00:33:16.950 --> 00:33:21.490

And I found that out two weeks after our honeymoon.

00:33:22.070 --> 00:33:25.750

Wow. Wow. That is horrible.

00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:31.210

What made her come and tell you this? You know, it was, it was a really interesting

00:33:31.210 --> 00:33:38.910

moment because I, I felt so much empathy for her when most people would probably be angry.

00:33:40.290 --> 00:33:48.450

It almost felt like she felt that they had this relationship and that I had ruined it.

00:33:48.630 --> 00:33:53.850

It was a very odd moment for me because she was crying and she was...

00:33:54.344 --> 00:33:57.684

You know, she said, well, we need to confront him.

00:33:58.004 --> 00:34:02.364

And I thought to myself, like, well, I like this is remember,

00:34:02.584 --> 00:34:05.464

I just felt like I was in an out of body experience, because I,

00:34:05.464 --> 00:34:07.624

I felt like this was not my story.

00:34:07.644 --> 00:34:10.824

Like I was watching this happen, but I wasn't there.

00:34:11.884 --> 00:34:17.224

And she's like, he's gonna deny it. He's gonna say that nothing happened.

00:34:17.724 --> 00:34:24.424

And I want you to know the truth. And so I agreed and I followed her to his

00:34:24.424 --> 00:34:26.844

place of work in my vehicle.

00:34:26.904 --> 00:34:32.104

And we went in the back where the employee entrance was.

00:34:32.404 --> 00:34:37.704

And she said, text him and have him come out here and we'll confront him together. other.

00:34:37.924 --> 00:34:42.204

And I'm in this state of comply and concede.

00:34:42.284 --> 00:34:48.184

Like I can't even process this amount of information in this short of a period of time.

00:34:48.544 --> 00:34:52.544

And I just followed whatever she told me I just did. And so I text him and I

00:34:52.544 --> 00:34:54.944

said, I'm outside, I need to get something out of your car.

00:34:55.344 --> 00:35:00.104

And he came out through the back employee entrance.

00:35:00.824 --> 00:35:05.164

And she grabbed my hand in this moment, we're standing in the alleyway.

00:35:05.404 --> 00:35:13.584

And he looked up and saw the two of us and fell to his knees on the cement and

00:35:13.584 --> 00:35:15.484

just started screaming.

00:35:15.924 --> 00:35:20.864

And that's when it became real. Like when she told me about it,

00:35:20.904 --> 00:35:23.744

I felt like I was listening to someone's story.

00:35:23.824 --> 00:35:30.004

But when he fell to the ground, And that's when it just, my whole world shattered.

00:35:31.164 --> 00:35:34.424

Wow. Wow. That is...

00:35:35.566 --> 00:35:40.566

Completely devastating. You think, especially the relationship that you talk

00:35:40.566 --> 00:35:44.506

about with him, this amazing, amazing relationship.

00:35:44.906 --> 00:35:50.246

And the fact that you think you know this person, and then to find out that

00:35:50.246 --> 00:35:54.086

at the same time, he's having that kind of relationship with somebody else.

00:35:54.346 --> 00:36:03.046

I can't even imagine. It was indescribable. And I had mentioned that she sent me over 300 messages.

00:36:03.166 --> 00:36:11.766

And some of those messages were talking about how they got away with doing something

00:36:11.766 --> 00:36:15.106

in our home when I was away. way.

00:36:15.226 --> 00:36:21.126

So that was even harder to realize that not only do you know that this happened,

00:36:21.246 --> 00:36:27.986

but now I'm reading their interactions and looking at the photos that they sent each other.

00:36:28.146 --> 00:36:34.146

And at one point there was a, I was taking a video of him while he was singing

00:36:34.146 --> 00:36:40.186

and playing the guitar and he was singing to me and he sent that video to her.

00:36:41.286 --> 00:36:48.726

So it was like, my mind was just trying to, it was, it was something that I

00:36:48.726 --> 00:36:49.806

couldn't comprehend fully.

00:36:49.966 --> 00:36:56.086

I was, I had put this man on a pedestal, which is very unhealthy,

00:36:56.326 --> 00:37:02.126

obviously, but I learned through that experience. I put him on a pedestal for so long.

00:37:02.206 --> 00:37:07.986

And it was like when all of this happened, I just was so broken.

00:37:08.106 --> 00:37:15.446

But what started to unravel and started to unfold is he...

00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:21.940

Became suicidal and said that, I never loved her.

00:37:22.300 --> 00:37:27.900

You're the only one that I've loved. I'm going to do whatever it takes to be a better person for you.

00:37:27.960 --> 00:37:31.200

This is just something I was struggling with. It's behind me now.

00:37:31.520 --> 00:37:36.040

And so we went to counseling. We went to intensive.

00:37:37.880 --> 00:37:43.320

Marriage workshops or seminars where we were there working through our childhood

00:37:43.320 --> 00:37:47.720

trauma and working through the issues and working through the infidelity.

00:37:48.300 --> 00:37:53.940

And I forgave him and I, I forgave her.

00:37:54.140 --> 00:37:57.780

But what I recognized is I didn't forgive myself.

00:37:58.300 --> 00:38:02.620

And so that was something that I had to learn along the way.

00:38:02.880 --> 00:38:05.040

What do you mean? Forgive yourself?

00:38:05.580 --> 00:38:12.080

What I started to do was to blame myself for not being enough,

00:38:12.280 --> 00:38:17.680

for not doing enough, for maybe I was working too much.

00:38:17.780 --> 00:38:19.940

I wasn't prioritizing him.

00:38:20.200 --> 00:38:24.660

I led him to this because I didn't give him what he needed.

00:38:24.860 --> 00:38:33.580

Those were the unhealthy, distorted thoughts that I was really believing at the time.

00:38:33.580 --> 00:38:42.440

And the beauty, though, is that the forgiveness, when you learn how to fully,

00:38:42.640 --> 00:38:44.980

authentically forgive,

00:38:45.300 --> 00:38:51.840

it really, it really helps relieve the pain that you're feeling inside.

00:38:51.840 --> 00:38:58.780

And so once I forgave him, and once I forgave her, I started to feel the layers

00:38:58.780 --> 00:39:02.840

of pain start to subside.

00:39:02.860 --> 00:39:10.500

And then once I started to learn how to forgive myself for putting myself in

00:39:10.500 --> 00:39:14.840

that situation, right, for even for blaming myself for it.

00:39:15.725 --> 00:39:22.605

That's when I started to really identify like my strengths and come out of the

00:39:22.605 --> 00:39:24.965

darkness in that circumstance.

00:39:25.445 --> 00:39:33.465

And we started to thrive. We stayed married and I was determined to work through it.

00:39:34.085 --> 00:39:41.965

But I still really didn't tell anyone about what happened because I was so embarrassed

00:39:41.965 --> 00:39:45.145

that it was right after our honeymoon.

00:39:45.725 --> 00:39:50.425

I was so humiliated that I kept that private.

00:39:50.925 --> 00:39:53.625

And what that ended up

00:39:53.625 --> 00:40:02.665

doing is that it just kind of created this snowball effect of me hiding situations

00:40:02.665 --> 00:40:11.385

or me trying to protect others from any pain or harm or me trying to protect his integrity.

00:40:11.385 --> 00:40:18.685

It didn't help me truly let go of the pain and put it behind me because now

00:40:18.685 --> 00:40:20.865

I was in this hiding mode,

00:40:21.025 --> 00:40:26.745

pretending everything was okay to family members and the people around me,

00:40:26.885 --> 00:40:32.885

but still working through these issues, you know, on my own or with counselors,

00:40:33.005 --> 00:40:35.025

but not really speaking about it.

00:40:36.305 --> 00:40:38.945

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Wow.

00:40:39.045 --> 00:40:44.845

Now, during all this time, what is the dynamic between him and your kids?

00:40:45.225 --> 00:40:50.045

It was beautiful. He was an incredible father. He accepted them as his own.

00:40:50.965 --> 00:40:54.565

He also had, when we first got together, a six-month-old.

00:40:54.605 --> 00:40:59.585

So his son and my two children were inseparable.

00:41:00.565 --> 00:41:07.705

And he was the epitome of the most amazing father ever.

00:41:08.595 --> 00:41:13.475

You know, encouraging them, joking with them, guiding them, teaching them how

00:41:13.475 --> 00:41:16.795

to do silly things like change a tire or go fishing.

00:41:17.235 --> 00:41:21.375

And with my daughter playing Barbies and letting her put makeup on him,

00:41:21.455 --> 00:41:24.715

the epitome of an amazing father.

00:41:24.995 --> 00:41:30.015

And really that was the only father that they really knew.

00:41:30.315 --> 00:41:35.255

And so they looked up to him and admired him and adored him,

00:41:35.435 --> 00:41:43.115

which also made me continue hiding when three years later, I found out about the second woman.

00:41:45.355 --> 00:41:51.255

Again. Yes. This woman was a completely different woman, but this was after

00:41:51.255 --> 00:41:54.895

I had started the agency.

00:41:55.895 --> 00:41:59.275

So by this point, I had left the corporate world.

00:41:59.355 --> 00:42:07.135

I started the agency and he quit his job to come work in the agency and he oversaw

00:42:07.135 --> 00:42:11.555

all of the sales and I oversaw the operations and the creative.

00:42:11.695 --> 00:42:17.875

And so he would travel a lot for different events or trade shows or sales meetings.

00:42:18.055 --> 00:42:26.015

And when I found out about the second woman, I didn't fully recover from that, that.

00:42:26.015 --> 00:42:33.295

But I hid that because now it not only would impact my children,

00:42:33.475 --> 00:42:35.155

it would impact my business.

00:42:35.495 --> 00:42:40.575

It would not only impact my family and my friends, but it would impact my employees.

00:42:41.555 --> 00:42:48.395

So I confronted him about that. We went through a whole nother slew of chaos

00:42:48.395 --> 00:42:52.235

and challenges and and counseling and all of that.

00:42:52.275 --> 00:42:56.975

It was like I was reliving the first two weeks of, you know,

00:42:56.975 --> 00:42:59.975

being of our marriage all over again.

00:43:00.035 --> 00:43:06.715

Three years later, after I worked so hard to rebuild trust and so hard to forgive,

00:43:06.855 --> 00:43:12.815

now I had to start all over again and go through that process again.

00:43:13.235 --> 00:43:16.115

Wow. I struggled again.

00:43:16.635 --> 00:43:21.835

I fell deeper into my depression. I started having health issues.

00:43:22.195 --> 00:43:25.815

I couldn't sleep at night. It was starting to eat me alive.

00:43:26.915 --> 00:43:34.855

And I turned to alcohol at this point where I would pretend during the day everything was great.

00:43:34.995 --> 00:43:38.255

I would run the company. I would pick up the kids from school,

00:43:38.435 --> 00:43:40.395

do the dinners, get them tucked in bed.

00:43:40.395 --> 00:43:45.335

And by the time they were in bed, I would have as many drinks as I could to

00:43:45.335 --> 00:43:50.935

fall asleep or I would go into the closet and cry just because I was having

00:43:50.935 --> 00:43:54.895

such a hard time letting go of the second time.

00:43:57.395 --> 00:44:02.775

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Would that be the last time or were there more?

00:44:02.775 --> 00:44:05.135

I was determined to be an amazing wife.

00:44:05.315 --> 00:44:09.815

I was determined to keep fighting.

00:44:10.315 --> 00:44:15.595

I was trying to fight not only for our family and our marriage.

00:44:15.815 --> 00:44:20.075

I was also trying to fight because of the amount of loss.

00:44:20.415 --> 00:44:25.935

I mean, everything I'd worked so hard for up to that point, I would lose everything

00:44:25.935 --> 00:44:31.615

if I chose to leave. So there was a part of me trying to safeguard all of the

00:44:31.615 --> 00:44:33.575

work that I had done up to that point.

00:44:34.675 --> 00:44:39.315

I worked through my own personal issues. We went to counseling together.

00:44:39.375 --> 00:44:48.315

I went to counseling alone and I started to gently and slowly work through those through that pain.

00:44:48.495 --> 00:44:53.835

But it was the third time when a completely different woman,

00:44:53.915 --> 00:44:59.955

when I found out about the third woman was when I finally had the courage to walk away.

00:45:01.075 --> 00:45:04.815

And the turning point was actually

00:45:04.815 --> 00:45:07.535

a few days before I found out about this third

00:45:07.535 --> 00:45:13.535

woman I was talking to my counselor and I said I just I feel like I'm never

00:45:13.535 --> 00:45:19.395

enough like I feel like no matter how hard I work or no matter how much I try

00:45:19.395 --> 00:45:27.075

to heal or you know I'm I'm an amazing wife I'm an amazing mother.

00:45:27.375 --> 00:45:29.535

I'm a business owner. I'm successful.

00:45:30.075 --> 00:45:35.055

I'm doing all these things. I'm amazing in bed. I mean, geez.

00:45:35.415 --> 00:45:40.875

I was like, I just don't know why I'm just not enough. And he said,

00:45:41.075 --> 00:45:48.315

Serena, you, you may be all of those things, but you can't earn love.

00:45:48.695 --> 00:45:55.275

It has to be freely given. And it was like a blindfold came off.

00:45:55.415 --> 00:46:00.475

Like my whole life, I felt like I had to earn approval, earn love.

00:46:00.655 --> 00:46:04.595

And it goes back to my childhood is that's what I was taught.

00:46:04.595 --> 00:46:08.795

Thought my biological father is you have to do this.

00:46:09.475 --> 00:46:15.655

And, and so I really believed in my mind that I, it, the more that I did,

00:46:15.815 --> 00:46:22.875

the more successful I was, the, the better I was or whatever in my mind at the

00:46:22.875 --> 00:46:27.915

time, the more that I did, I felt like I was earning love and approval.

00:46:28.015 --> 00:46:29.895

And when he said that statement.

00:46:30.840 --> 00:46:34.780

You can't earn love. It has to be freely given.

00:46:35.140 --> 00:46:40.940

It literally was the moment that I knew that I had to leave.

00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:47.380

And that was even that was just a few days before I found out about the third woman.

00:46:48.400 --> 00:46:52.980

Wow. So talk to me about the story when you finally did leave. leave?

00:46:53.420 --> 00:47:01.120

So he had been on a trip and he was scheduled to return in about three days when I found out.

00:47:01.200 --> 00:47:05.500

And so remember this whole time I had been not telling anyone.

00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:08.780

So no one knew about all of these things.

00:47:08.840 --> 00:47:15.160

All they saw from the outside was this power couple that owned a business that

00:47:15.160 --> 00:47:19.000

worked together, that were, you know, just this perfect family.

00:47:19.380 --> 00:47:24.760

And I went to my mom and dad and I, and this is my stepdad, of course.

00:47:24.920 --> 00:47:28.940

And I went to my kids and I said, I need everyone to pack up. We're leaving.

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:35.560

And that's when I, that's when I told my truth. And I said, it's,

00:47:35.560 --> 00:47:37.400

we're leaving. It's time to go.

00:47:37.560 --> 00:47:44.780

And so we packed up all of our things and moved out before he returned home.

00:47:45.540 --> 00:47:51.360

And because I'm an overachiever, I even cleaned the house and left all of his things.

00:47:52.180 --> 00:47:57.540

I did. You love it. I cleaned the house. I left all of his things in the right place.

00:47:57.960 --> 00:48:02.600

Just so that he knew his things were there, my things were gone.

00:48:02.800 --> 00:48:06.360

And I put my ring on the nightstand.

00:48:06.580 --> 00:48:10.920

And then I sent him a message once we were completely moved out,

00:48:11.040 --> 00:48:15.880

knowing that he was going to be home that day and said, I've hired a divorce attorney.

00:48:16.340 --> 00:48:21.020

I've listed the house for sale. I've informed our staff.

00:48:22.199 --> 00:48:25.259

And I just want you to know that I'm leaving. Well,

00:48:25.459 --> 00:48:29.619

meanwhile, before he has a chance to really respond,

00:48:29.739 --> 00:48:35.539

I've literally done all these things and made sure that I had everything taken

00:48:35.539 --> 00:48:41.219

care of, including changing the locks on the office so that at any point he

00:48:41.219 --> 00:48:44.499

couldn't go back and make a scene or do anything.

00:48:44.559 --> 00:48:48.179

When my employees were there, I had to tell my employees.

00:48:48.659 --> 00:48:55.539

And so I brought them together and I said, you know, Kyle and I are going through

00:48:55.539 --> 00:48:58.179

divorce and, you know, I'm so sorry.

00:48:58.259 --> 00:49:03.179

I know how this impacts you, but I want you to know that we're going to get through this.

00:49:03.639 --> 00:49:07.119

And this was in October of 2019.

00:49:08.139 --> 00:49:13.279

And I was going to get through this and I opened a bottle of champagne and I

00:49:13.279 --> 00:49:17.519

toasted to them like 2020 is going to be a much better year.

00:49:18.179 --> 00:49:19.499

And you have nothing to worry about.

00:49:22.079 --> 00:49:27.919

We all know what happened there. But they they cheers. They believed in me.

00:49:28.059 --> 00:49:33.039

They knew that I could lead them and that I had been leading them.

00:49:33.179 --> 00:49:38.319

So they supported me. And after we after we did this little cheers,

00:49:38.439 --> 00:49:43.399

my son at the time is now, you know, 17 years old.

00:49:43.499 --> 00:49:48.359

And he had been working for us in addition to my my staff. So he was,

00:49:48.359 --> 00:49:55.919

he was in the room and I hear my, my team kind of bantering back and forth and, and whispering.

00:49:56.459 --> 00:49:59.899

And I said, Hey guys, like, let's make this a positive thing.

00:50:00.339 --> 00:50:04.159

Let's put negative things, you know, out of our mind and let's look forward.

00:50:04.599 --> 00:50:09.459

And I said, no gossiping, you know, like let's just not gossip.

00:50:10.505 --> 00:50:15.705

Yeah. And my son says, Mom, they're not gossiping.

00:50:15.745 --> 00:50:19.725

And I say, my stomach just dropped.

00:50:20.205 --> 00:50:24.725

And I it was almost like the whole room stopped.

00:50:25.025 --> 00:50:30.525

And I looked at my, my team. And I said, What did what did you say?

00:50:30.705 --> 00:50:36.025

And they had told me that that my husband had also been with one of our former employees.

00:50:37.105 --> 00:50:40.485

And that they, many of them knew

00:50:40.485 --> 00:50:48.925

that he was cheating and he told or pretended that I was okay with it.

00:50:49.625 --> 00:50:58.905

And so the humiliation for me was more that so many people knew around me.

00:50:59.045 --> 00:51:02.265

They were all, it was like I was standing in a glass house and everyone's looking

00:51:02.265 --> 00:51:05.385

in. And I think that was one of the hardest moments for me.

00:51:05.725 --> 00:51:11.625

But it also reminded me that I was doing the right thing by moving on.

00:51:11.805 --> 00:51:16.925

And I had to let go of the idea that I could protect him, that I could protect

00:51:16.925 --> 00:51:22.665

his character, his integrity, even if he didn't have any, that I could pretend

00:51:22.665 --> 00:51:23.985

that I had it all together.

00:51:23.985 --> 00:51:29.585

It was that moment that I realized that I could be fully 100% vulnerable and

00:51:29.585 --> 00:51:33.025

authentic with my, not just my friends and family, but my staff,

00:51:33.305 --> 00:51:35.385

that they could see me as a human.

00:51:36.225 --> 00:51:42.125

And they still loved and honored and respected me. It was a beautiful moment for me.

00:51:42.245 --> 00:51:48.205

But it was devastating to hear that they knew and all these people around me

00:51:48.205 --> 00:51:50.025

knew, but I was in the dark.

00:51:50.705 --> 00:51:54.645

Yeah. Wow. That is very tough.

00:51:55.045 --> 00:52:00.685

How did your children handle you guys leaving in all of this news?

00:52:01.105 --> 00:52:06.605

You know, I think that they could feel the anxiety.

00:52:06.665 --> 00:52:13.485

They could feel the difference of, you know, my behaviors since the second woman.

00:52:13.645 --> 00:52:17.965

So I think they knew it was time to go.

00:52:18.205 --> 00:52:24.145

Yeah. And that period when he was out of town, his son, who I always tell is

00:52:24.145 --> 00:52:27.365

my son, I always would say, that's my baby.

00:52:27.885 --> 00:52:34.125

He was with his mother at the time. And so it's obviously I was being very sensitive of that situation.

00:52:34.625 --> 00:52:40.805

And so I only told my children and they were supportive and they said,

00:52:40.825 --> 00:52:43.505

whatever we need to do, we're going to make it.

00:52:44.246 --> 00:52:51.986

And so that was in October of 2019. And by March of 2020, he committed suicide.

00:52:52.406 --> 00:52:57.266

What? Yeah. Okay. You're going to have to fill in the gap. I know.

00:52:58.846 --> 00:53:03.606

So, and I kind of left this out because I wanted to go back.

00:53:03.826 --> 00:53:12.686

So in every experience that he was unfaithful, he would revert to suicidal tendencies.

00:53:13.026 --> 00:53:20.706

And so it would send me in this tailspin of trying to protect him from hurting himself,

00:53:20.946 --> 00:53:26.246

which is one of the reasons I continued to stay is because I thought I could

00:53:26.246 --> 00:53:28.126

protect him from himself.

00:53:28.426 --> 00:53:32.606

And he would beat up on himself and he would, you know, say all these things

00:53:32.606 --> 00:53:37.306

and then he would start cutting himself. And these types of situations were

00:53:37.306 --> 00:53:38.806

happening throughout our marriage.

00:53:39.066 --> 00:53:47.146

And I also hid those things, which is purposely why I waited to fill back in

00:53:47.146 --> 00:53:51.766

the story, because I wanted you to see that my tendency was to hide.

00:53:51.886 --> 00:53:57.066

And I was hiding everything. I was trying to protect him.

00:53:57.226 --> 00:54:00.206

I was trying to protect my family.

00:54:00.246 --> 00:54:06.386

And in that, when these suicidal moments would happen and he would be trying

00:54:06.386 --> 00:54:11.286

to take a bunch of pills or drinking until he passed out and I wasn't sure if

00:54:11.286 --> 00:54:13.986

he was, you know, like I didn't know what happened.

00:54:13.986 --> 00:54:19.366

And these moments were so chaotic that I was just trying to survive.

00:54:20.286 --> 00:54:23.986

I was trying to make sure that he was okay, getting him the right help that he needed.

00:54:24.426 --> 00:54:28.706

And I lost a sense of myself during that period.

00:54:28.946 --> 00:54:35.746

So when I chose to leave, when I built up the courage to leave after that third

00:54:35.746 --> 00:54:43.346

woman, I also had to recognize that it was not my responsibility to protect him.

00:54:43.986 --> 00:54:45.686

That that was his responsibility.

00:54:46.566 --> 00:54:53.266

Yeah. I mean, you're right. You are so right. How did you find out?

00:54:53.626 --> 00:54:57.226

Well, I got a call from his girlfriend that morning.

00:55:03.926 --> 00:55:09.266

One of the many. You love it that I could laugh about it now because it's just

00:55:09.266 --> 00:55:11.706

so crazy. Of course, of course.

00:55:13.526 --> 00:55:17.546

That night, I had gotten up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night,

00:55:17.546 --> 00:55:22.086

and I saw a message from him on my phone.

00:55:22.626 --> 00:55:27.946

And this was the first time he'd ever apologized. And he said, Yeah.

00:55:28.420 --> 00:55:32.840

In his text message, I'm so sorry for all the pain that I've caused you.

00:55:33.480 --> 00:55:37.260

And I'm so grateful for all the memories that we shared.

00:55:37.600 --> 00:55:42.820

And I was kind of groggy, you know, just getting up to go to the bathroom and go back to bed.

00:55:42.940 --> 00:55:48.300

And I looked at it and I was like, wow, that was the first time he's ever apologized.

00:55:48.320 --> 00:55:50.080

And that like means so much.

00:55:50.260 --> 00:55:55.340

Like it's been so long and we've been, I mean, this is a 10 year marriage.

00:55:55.540 --> 00:56:02.540

We've been through a lot. And I said, thank you so much that that means the

00:56:02.540 --> 00:56:04.060

world to me. I'm just so grateful.

00:56:04.080 --> 00:56:06.340

Thank you. And I went back to sleep.

00:56:06.560 --> 00:56:15.940

And I woke up that morning to like 15 missed calls and voicemails and all these

00:56:15.940 --> 00:56:19.180

things. And I was like trying to figure out what was happening.

00:56:19.280 --> 00:56:22.320

And I listened to the voicemail and it was his girlfriend at the time.

00:56:22.320 --> 00:56:28.640

And I couldn't understand a word she was saying because it was all tears and I was confused.

00:56:28.740 --> 00:56:33.160

And so I called her back to figure out what was happening.

00:56:33.260 --> 00:56:37.500

And somebody got on the phone and said, Kyle's in the hospital.

00:56:38.460 --> 00:56:43.300

You're the next of kin because you're his wife. Still, it was only a few months.

00:56:44.560 --> 00:56:48.880

And you're the only one that can get information. Can you go to the hospital

00:56:48.880 --> 00:56:49.900

and find out what happened?

00:56:50.080 --> 00:56:56.580

And I just happened to live in, we had moved out of the house and moved into

00:56:56.580 --> 00:57:01.720

a condo. And that condo, my balcony to my bedroom overlooked the hospital that,

00:57:02.377 --> 00:57:06.237

he was at. So it was less than a block away.

00:57:06.717 --> 00:57:13.157

Yeah. And I running down the stairs, scrambling to try and get myself together.

00:57:13.737 --> 00:57:19.737

And my daughter runs out and she's 13 at this time. And she's like, mom, what's happening?

00:57:19.877 --> 00:57:22.337

And I said, you stay here. You can't come.

00:57:23.197 --> 00:57:25.697

I was like, I don't know what's happening, but you stay here.

00:57:25.957 --> 00:57:32.237

My son is like 18 at this point. and he's jumping up like, I'm going with you

00:57:32.237 --> 00:57:33.937

no matter what. And I'm like, that's fine.

00:57:34.417 --> 00:57:36.597

And so my son and I go to the hospital.

00:57:37.417 --> 00:57:43.357

And at this point, remember, it's COVID. Like everything is shut down. That's right.

00:57:44.377 --> 00:57:46.417

It's a ghost town in the hospital.

00:57:47.517 --> 00:57:52.417

And I tell them, you know, who I'm here to see. And they take my son and I and

00:57:52.417 --> 00:57:58.417

they put us in this private waiting room. And I was completely confused as to

00:57:58.417 --> 00:58:00.277

why they would put us in a private waiting room.

00:58:00.357 --> 00:58:02.677

Why would they not just take us to go see him?

00:58:02.797 --> 00:58:08.877

And a detective and a nurse walked in and they said, last night there was a

00:58:08.877 --> 00:58:12.337

fight between the girlfriend and Kyle.

00:58:12.337 --> 00:58:19.737

Kyle, and he had shot a bullet or he had shot a round off into the fireplace

00:58:19.737 --> 00:58:25.537

or something of the sort because they were fighting and she ran outside and she called the police.

00:58:25.797 --> 00:58:30.657

And when the police arrived, they stepped into the house from the backyard.

00:58:30.997 --> 00:58:38.377

And before they could say to Kyle, put down your gun, he shot himself in the

00:58:38.377 --> 00:58:42.017

head in front of the police officers. Wow.

00:58:42.457 --> 00:58:45.977

How devastating. Yes.

00:58:48.017 --> 00:58:52.557

Talk to me that point moving forward.

00:58:52.637 --> 00:58:57.897

And I'm wanting to touch on the emotional side because I'm wondering,

00:58:58.017 --> 00:59:00.557

do you immediately go to guilt?

00:59:01.468 --> 00:59:10.868

Or what emotions were you feeling? Yes, that's a beautiful way to kind of segue. I felt relief.

00:59:12.068 --> 00:59:15.628

Not something that you would think that I would feel in that moment.

00:59:16.288 --> 00:59:22.768

But I had spent 10 years trying to protect this man. And I was exhausted.

00:59:23.828 --> 00:59:26.788

Yeah. I had nothing left.

00:59:27.428 --> 00:59:33.088

And it was almost like everywhere he went, And there was a circle of chaos because

00:59:33.088 --> 00:59:39.848

he was so charismatic and he swept people off their feet and everyone loved him.

00:59:40.048 --> 00:59:46.048

But it would always lead to this chaotic environment and to where I could no

00:59:46.048 --> 00:59:49.848

longer carry the weight of his story.

00:59:50.008 --> 00:59:53.968

I couldn't carry the weight of protecting him.

00:59:54.048 --> 00:59:59.948

I couldn't carry all that any longer. And so as devastating as it was in that moment,

01:00:00.028 --> 01:00:09.488

the first feeling I remember having was I could breathe because I was so afraid for so long.

01:00:09.808 --> 01:00:16.188

And I had already accepted when I left that day a few months earlier that I

01:00:16.188 --> 01:00:17.428

was no longer responsible.

01:00:18.288 --> 01:00:25.448

Yeah. That I knew there's nothing I could do that he was responsible for for his life.

01:00:26.168 --> 01:00:35.688

And I could no longer hold that responsibility. And yet it went through the emotions of disbelief.

01:00:35.688 --> 01:00:39.968

It went through the emotions of just sadness

01:00:39.968 --> 01:00:47.588

because he was still that person I fell in love with that played guitar and

01:00:47.588 --> 01:00:56.148

sang to me and painted these beautiful paintings for me and wrote me amazing poems.

01:00:56.168 --> 01:01:00.188

And took me on adventures, he still was that person.

01:01:01.495 --> 01:01:08.995

And a lot of times during our marriage, I looked at his infidelity as his version of addiction.

01:01:09.315 --> 01:01:14.055

And I tried to relate to it in that way and understand it that way.

01:01:14.435 --> 01:01:21.455

And so I didn't look at the decisions he made as they defined who he was.

01:01:21.535 --> 01:01:25.775

I looked at those decisions as that's what he needs to work through,

01:01:25.895 --> 01:01:27.055

what he needs to overcome,

01:01:27.595 --> 01:01:33.975

what he needs to move past, but he still had this person inside of him that

01:01:33.975 --> 01:01:37.155

he wanted to be, which was all of the good things that I saw.

01:01:37.415 --> 01:01:43.775

And so it was a period of sadness and depression, but then it also was a feeling

01:01:43.775 --> 01:01:48.815

of weightlessness that I no longer had to carry that weight. Yeah.

01:01:48.995 --> 01:01:52.875

A total mix of emotions. Yes. Yeah.

01:01:53.555 --> 01:02:02.475

But I would almost venture to say maybe for the first time in your life, you felt free? Yes.

01:02:03.615 --> 01:02:08.235

Yeah. That's the best way to say it. The first time in my life,

01:02:08.355 --> 01:02:17.875

I was no longer running and I was no longer hiding and I felt free. Yeah. Wow.

01:02:18.615 --> 01:02:26.675

Here today, I mean, it's not been but four years since then since the time we're recording this.

01:02:26.975 --> 01:02:33.935

What brought you to the point that you decided you wanted to write a book,

01:02:34.075 --> 01:02:35.775

that you wanted to start coming on podcasts?

01:02:36.135 --> 01:02:41.215

What was that decision? Why did you decide that my story should be heard?

01:02:42.075 --> 01:02:46.755

Well, at first I started writing the book and I was going to hide it under my bed when I was done.

01:02:52.635 --> 01:02:58.835

But then I recognized that my pattern wasn't just running. I thought for a long

01:02:58.835 --> 01:03:00.135

time my pattern was running.

01:03:00.775 --> 01:03:02.535

But when I recognized that my

01:03:02.535 --> 01:03:07.455

pattern when I was writing the book was not just running, it was hiding.

01:03:07.995 --> 01:03:11.695

I would hide in the background. I'd be behind the scenes or I didn't want to

01:03:11.695 --> 01:03:15.355

be in the spotlight or I would hide to protect or I would pretend I had it all together.

01:03:15.775 --> 01:03:20.555

All of those moments of hiding were uncovered while I was writing.

01:03:21.015 --> 01:03:26.895

And so I knew that I had to face my fear and I had to I had to publish it.

01:03:27.615 --> 01:03:36.055

And that was the first big fear that I overcame. And I had to self-publish it

01:03:36.055 --> 01:03:39.515

because I knew that I had to face it alone.

01:03:40.709 --> 01:03:44.569

I didn't want a publishing company. I didn't want all these things.

01:03:44.809 --> 01:03:48.789

I knew that I had to step out on my own and face my fear.

01:03:49.029 --> 01:03:51.029

And that's when I published it.

01:03:51.309 --> 01:03:57.549

But what made me realize that I needed to start doing podcasts and start sharing

01:03:57.549 --> 01:04:06.149

my story was to also overcome the fear of being exposed, which is what I called my book.

01:04:06.329 --> 01:04:11.869

So my book is called Exposed. You can't heal when you hide.

01:04:12.229 --> 01:04:18.549

And it goes into much more detail of the moments in my story.

01:04:18.609 --> 01:04:26.709

And I clearly articulate not only the way the carpet felt or the things that

01:04:26.709 --> 01:04:29.889

I was wearing, but how the room felt and how I was emotionally feeling in that

01:04:29.889 --> 01:04:32.409

moment. So you feel like you're in it with me.

01:04:32.489 --> 01:04:41.629

And I knew if it took me this much time to finally step out and find the courage to share my story,

01:04:41.789 --> 01:04:48.389

that tells me that that is the gift that I need to give someone else is giving

01:04:48.389 --> 01:04:55.549

them the encouragement or empowering them to find their own courage and to find

01:04:55.549 --> 01:04:57.889

their own voice to share their story.

01:04:57.889 --> 01:05:00.709

Yeah, absolutely. I love it.

01:05:01.329 --> 01:05:06.009

Where is the best place for somebody to find your book or to just get plugged

01:05:06.009 --> 01:05:07.429

into your world altogether?

01:05:07.969 --> 01:05:14.729

So they can go directly to my author website at serenamastin.com,

01:05:14.929 --> 01:05:17.549

or they can simply go on to Amazon.

01:05:17.809 --> 01:05:25.069

I have an Audible version, a Kindle version, and a soft copy of the book as well.

01:05:25.869 --> 01:05:31.829

Okay. Okay. Amazing. I will be sure that any of the links and stuff to access

01:05:31.829 --> 01:05:35.929

your book to get plugged in will be left in the show notes for easy access.

01:05:36.309 --> 01:05:40.549

Thank you. Yeah, I have one last question for you. Of course.

01:05:41.629 --> 01:05:50.789

And I would love for you to speak to the woman listening today who's maybe a few steps behind you.

01:05:51.209 --> 01:05:59.609

Maybe she's back in a situation, in trauma, when she doesn't feel free. Right.

01:06:00.127 --> 01:06:05.767

What would you say to her to encourage her having gone through what you have?

01:06:06.027 --> 01:06:12.967

It's such a tough thing when you're in a place where you feel stuck,

01:06:13.207 --> 01:06:21.207

that you can't get out, that you've hid for so long that you're terrified to tell your story.

01:06:21.207 --> 01:06:26.607

Whether it's the perception of others that are judging you or the opinions of

01:06:26.607 --> 01:06:32.227

others or whether you're afraid to lose your home or lose something bigger.

01:06:32.467 --> 01:06:38.467

So for the woman who is in a place where they need to get out, I would say prepare.

01:06:38.907 --> 01:06:43.527

And what that means to me is I made prepare an acronym.

01:06:43.807 --> 01:06:51.647

And it stands for P stands for plan your next steps. R stands for identify resources.

01:06:52.267 --> 01:06:55.907

What do you need? Who can help you? Who can you trust?

01:06:56.387 --> 01:06:59.427

E is for create an exit strategy.

01:06:59.807 --> 01:07:04.387

How do you get out of that situation safely, whether it's yourself or with your

01:07:04.387 --> 01:07:07.647

children? The next P is make those preparations.

01:07:08.427 --> 01:07:14.107

You already have your plan, but now you need to to put it in place. A is for take action.

01:07:14.827 --> 01:07:24.107

Don't allow your fear to cripple you into that moment where you are frozen in fear.

01:07:24.307 --> 01:07:31.467

And then R is for release the responsibility. It is no longer your responsibility to own everything.

01:07:31.947 --> 01:07:36.627

And E is for evacuate. It's your time to move on.

01:07:36.727 --> 01:07:41.027

It's your your time to start investing in you. Wow.

01:07:42.159 --> 01:07:49.879

Serena, you are so amazing. Your story is so crazy.

01:07:50.639 --> 01:07:56.419

And yet I look at who you are today, sitting here, talking with me,

01:07:56.499 --> 01:08:03.199

and I see nothing but this amazing woman of pure just grit and strength.

01:08:03.619 --> 01:08:10.859

I just thank you so much for just sharing your story and for letting me get

01:08:10.859 --> 01:08:18.459

to meet you and to hear your story of understanding more about who you are. And thank you so much.

01:08:18.799 --> 01:08:21.499

I am so honored.

01:08:22.439 --> 01:08:27.899

I'm one of your biggest fans, and I am just honored to be here in your presence

01:08:27.899 --> 01:08:32.539

and to share my story with those who are ready to hear it.

01:08:32.899 --> 01:08:39.079

Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. Well, I will turn it over to you listening today.

01:08:39.459 --> 01:08:44.519

My hope is always is that this podcast leaves an impact on your life.

01:08:44.719 --> 01:08:50.159

I can only imagine that you heard many things that were shared today that can

01:08:50.159 --> 01:08:51.419

be an impact on your life.

01:08:51.559 --> 01:08:58.699

And so please be sure at this moment to put it into action, to prepare, just as Serena said.

01:08:59.019 --> 01:09:04.199

My name is Kevin Lowe. This is Great Grace and Inspiration. I'll see you next time.

01:09:04.080 --> 01:09:22.768

Music.