Show Transcript

0:00:01 - (Kevin Lowe): Have you ever had a moment in time, something happened so awful, so terrible, that it left you to feel ashamed, embarrassed, and therefore, you kept it a secret. You didn't tell anybody? Today, I'm going to introduce you to a woman who had a secret. But more importantly, I'm going to introduce you to a woman who finally shared that secret. And ultimately, she set herself free. Today's incredible guest, this amazing woman, is none other than Lauren Brill.

0:00:37 - (Kevin Lowe): Today, she's going to take you on a journey through the events of that night, of the event that she would keep secrets for so very long, until one day she would finally reveal her secret. And, my golly, it set her free in the most profound of ways. This is episode 282. This is the story of Lauren Brill. What's up, my friend? And welcome to Grit, grace, and inspiration. I am your host, Kevin Lowe. 20 years ago, I awoke from a life saving surgery, only to find that I was left completely blind.

0:01:17 - (Kevin Lowe): And since that day, I've learned a lot about life, a lot about living, and a lot about myself. And here on this podcast, I want to share those insights with you. Because, friend, if you are still searching for your purpose, still trying to understand why or still left searching for that next right path to take, will consider this to be your stepping stone to get you from where you are to where you want to be.

0:01:43 - (Kevin Lowe): Before we go diving into today's interview, I do want to give you a quick announcement for something new that I've decided to try out here on the podcast. I'm always in a pursuit to make this podcast mean more to you, to make it leave an impact on your life. And therefore, I thought of including a new section on the podcast for prayer requests. I believe strongly in the power of prayer. Faith is a huge part of my life.

0:02:14 - (Kevin Lowe): My relationship with my creator, Jesus Christ, is monumental. And in that, I know that that's probably the case for many of my listeners. And if you have something weighing on your heart that you've been praying about and that you would love the opportunity to have people from all over the world helping you in praying for that person, for that thing, well, I want you to send me that prayer request, and I will feature it here on the podcast.

0:02:46 - (Kevin Lowe): I'm going to start today off with my own prayer request, and then I'm going to tell you how you can send your prayer requests to the podcast today. I would love to ask you to say a prayer for my friend Sharon. She's going through some hard times, some medical issues, and I would love it if you could please help me in praying for a complete healing, for comfort, for peace, for God to make her well. Her name is Sharon, and it would mean the world to have you praying for her.

0:03:18 - (Kevin Lowe): Now, I want to get your prayer requests, and I've given you two easy ways to send your prayer requests to me. You can either email me, which the email address is inside of today's show notes, or you can text it to me. And if you want to text it well, simply send your prayer request via text to the phone number 877-49-8178 again, that phone number is 877-749-8178 I'm also leaving that in the show notes.

0:03:58 - (Kevin Lowe): So if that will be easier for you to look at and then be able to jot down again, send your prayer requests. They will be kept anonymous at the most. I will only ever use somebody's first name, and I just want you to get to have your prayers heard by my audience, by people from all over the world, so we can begin to help out one another. With that, my friend, I introduce you to today's incredible guest, Lauren Brill.

0:04:30 - (Lauren Brill): I had a great childhood. I have two of the most loving humans that I call parents in my life, and they were very supportive, very attentive. We spent a lot of time together. They signed my brother and I up for everything, you know, soccer, tennis, dance, gymnastics. I tried every little, every sport, every activity, piano lessons. And I just came from a very loving home, a very active home. We used to go bike riding in the parks on weekends.

0:05:03 - (Lauren Brill): So it was just, I had a really good childhood. And I had, at first I wanted to be an actress. And then I realized, like, practicing in a stage and inside in a theater, I found to be really boring. I was just such a hyperactive kid, and I just wanted to be outside playing sports. And then I went to a Rangers game with my dad. It was the year after they won the Stanley cup, and it was the playoffs. And this woman invited me to sit in the front row with her. She had, like, incredible tickets, and she saw us, and it reminded her of her and her dad.

0:05:35 - (Lauren Brill): So I started talking to her, and she was an executive at ABC Sports. And I was like, wait, I could do tv and sports and, like, be outside and be at games. Like, that's way cooler than being in a theater. I want to be a sportscaster. And I was in fifth grade, I believe, then. So if, you know when the Rangers won the stealing cup, you know how old I am. But, yeah, so I was in fifth grade and that's when I decided I wanted to be a sportscaster. And.

0:06:02 - (Lauren Brill): And my parents were like, okay, I never had a lot of pressure from my parents. I never had a lot of, like, you have to do this or you have to go to this school. But my brother, who I love to death, is like Mister Smarty pants, and he set the bar, and I was very competitive. So since he did really well in school, I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well as well and go to a good school like he did. So that's where I put a lot of pressure on myself, but not for my parents. My parents were like, just be happy. Just do it.

0:06:31 - (Lauren Brill): Do the best you can. They never pushed me to do any more than my best. And if they knew I was giving my best, they were happy, they were proud. You know, I don't even think they ever looked at my report cards.

0:06:42 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. No, no, no. I think that's. That's amazing. Amazing. Now you have this idea that, I mean, what a powerful moment at the hockey game and to be a kid and be like, oh, my gosh, like, I can make dreams come true with this career.

0:06:57 - (Lauren Brill): Great. Like, I can be on camera and I can go to hockey game. And I love the environment and energy of a sporting event. Screaming fans, the, like, especially hockey. That fighting, like, I found it so magical is awesome. And I spent a lot of quality time with my dad. We used to live about, like, 45 minutes from Manhattan, maybe an hour from 34th street, where Madison Square Garden is. And so it was a lot of quality time, a lot of one on one attention. So I associated sporting events and hockey games and sports with happy moments with my father. And, you know, full. And the story goes, when I was six, my dad got my brother tickets to the Rangers game, and I was like, you think because I'm a girl, I don't want to go?

0:07:44 - (Lauren Brill): And so then he had to get me tickets, too. And then he got. He. My brother played hockey, so he had gotten season tickets, like, shared with some other parents, so they were switching off, taking their, their sons to games. And so my dad used to flip flop back and forth between my brother and me. Then at some point, my brother was like, I don't want to go. She can just go.

0:08:07 - (Kevin Lowe): Amazing. Amazing. So leading up, kind of through your story more like teenage years, because, I mean, it's one thing to have, like, a passion like that as a kid, but all the way through, like, high school years, did you still have that as a goal once?

0:08:22 - (Lauren Brill): I get, like, really excited about something like, I'm in. Yeah, it was definitely still a goal. I, in high school, I was, like, finding people's profiles on AOL that worked in sports broadcasting and, like, reaching out to them. I reached out to the radio announcer Kenny Albert for the New York Rangers on AOL. And so a game I went to, I sat in the radio booth for a few minutes, and I was networking at 14.

0:08:47 - (Lauren Brill): So, yeah, I definitely, in high school, knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to a broadcasting school for college. And my dad just said, listen, I'll sport you in whatever you want to do, but go to the best school you can get into and major in something generic. Do internships on the side, but just have, like, the best foundation possible. Something generic. He really encouraged me to just try to go to a really great school and do something and major in something generic and then pursue whatever I wanted to pursue on the side because he just wanted me to have a foundation in case.

0:09:19 - (Lauren Brill): Dun dun dun. I decided to do something else at some point, like start my own company.

0:09:27 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Amazing. I love it. I love it. Now, high school years, I know that that is really one of the pivotal moments that has us talking today. A part of. A big part of your story. Will you please share with me, my audience, that part of your story?

0:09:46 - (Lauren Brill): Yeah. When I was 16 years old, I went to a party hosted by one of my classmates and with two of my best friends. There was about, I would say, ten kids there that all knew each other from another school, and then everyone else there was from my high school, but I went to a private school for two years. So it was very easy for someone to show up from another school and you not really know where they're from because there's so many people there from all different towns that one person invites one person, who invites one person else, and they're from anywhere, like, you don't know. So there was ten kids there from a different school than the one I went to.

0:10:20 - (Lauren Brill): And we started talking to one of them, and then they offered us a drink. And I unfortunately accepted. And I wasn't a big drinker. I wasn't really big party. We were celebrating being seniors that night. It was the end of our junior year, and I called my parents and actually asked if I could sleep over the person whose party it was because I had drove there that night. And they said yes. And so I didn't come home till the next morning. But I remember having one or two sips of the drink, and I remember distinctly because the living room had a view of the kitchen. And the kitchen had an island. And I remember seeing people, like, gather around the island. This group of ten boys gather around the island in the kitchen, making the drink. And I remember just thinking there was, like, a lot of commotion around pouring the drink. But it didn't, like, dawn on me that they were doing something.

0:11:09 - (Lauren Brill): What they ended up doing. It just was like, oh, that's. There's a lot of people. They're having a lot of fun pouring this drink. This is weird. And I just remember having one, maybe two sips of that drink. And then my very next memory after that was being on a bed with two boys. I didn't know who. Who were sexually assaulting me. And I could barely move. I could barely speak. My voice wouldn't go louder than a whisper.

0:11:32 - (Lauren Brill): My whole body was in, like, almost like a relaxed state. I was sedated. I was very, very sedated. But I remember my legs and my arms feeling like they had a weight of bricks on them. Like, I couldn't lift them, I couldn't move them. I couldn't scream. And so I remember just praying to God, like, please don't let this be how I lose my virginity. And I remember, like, I felt some. I don't know how I fell off the bed, and I landed with my stomach facing down.

0:12:02 - (Lauren Brill): And I remember just thinking, like, remember Ouija board. Like, make yourself as heavy, like, light as a feather, stiff as a board. I remember thinking, like, let all your body weight go and make yourself as heavy as possible. Because if I was lying flat on my stomach, it would be harder for them to rate me. But they didn't touch me again. They just, like, ran out of the room in a panic. And in the moment, I remember thinking that they thought I died.

0:12:26 - (Lauren Brill): I don't know what they were thinking, obviously, but that was my impression in the moment that, like, they thought I was not okay. And they're like, let us. Let's get that f outta here, you know, like, you know, she's out. But I was okay. I was just very sedated. And then, actually, one of their friends came in the room after and helped me get dressed and made sure I was okay. He didn't stop them from assaulting me to begin with, but he did, like, check in on me after. It was actually the initial guy from the group that I was talking to.

0:12:55 - (Lauren Brill): And then from there, I remember crawling across the hallway. I couldn't walk. And I tried to get to my friends who were locked in another room, who have, unfortunately, their own bad memories from that night. And then I remember being in a bed with, actually, I think, a classmate who just was like, are you okay? Do you need water? And he had no idea what happened that night. The kids from my school had nothing to do with any of this.

0:13:19 - (Lauren Brill): That guy was actually really, really nice. And I think I was holding on to him because I was so out of it, and he was just, like, frozen. And. Yeah, then I remember waking up the next morning and looking out into it was a view of the Hudson river and the Tappan Zee bridge in New York. This was a beautiful old mansion, feeling this moment of peace, but, like, also being completely confused of, like, what the hell just happened last night?

0:13:44 - (Lauren Brill): And then my friend walked in the room hysterically crying with that same sentiment, like, what? She cursed the f. Happened last night? And she was hysterically crying. And I was. I just have a different personality, and I was numb. I was just, like, couldn't process it. Got up, went to the bathroom, threw up, and then I got dressed, and I drove home, and I was radio silent. That ride home, I was just.

0:14:09 - (Lauren Brill): I knew in that moment I couldn't put a name to what happened. I didn't wake up that next morning. I was assaulted. I need to go to the police. I need to get a rape kit. Like, none of that. I was just, like. It was just like, what the hell was that? But, like, even in not being able to process what happened, I knew that this would change my life. Like, I knew the person 24 hours ago was not the person I was gonna. Not that I wasn't the same person.

0:14:35 - (Lauren Brill): I knew that this was going to drastically impact me in some way or another, but I just didn't know how. And at first, I just try to tuck it away, like, pretend it's not there, just ignore it, don't pay to any mind. And I remember thinking on a drive, I was in the car with my mom thinking, just make success your revenge. Just be so great in life and do everything you want to do, and that's winning. And for me, I was an athlete. I played soccer. I played lacrosse, and I was, like, very competitive.

0:15:06 - (Lauren Brill): And if I could put things into winning and losing, that was a way for my brain to focus on something positive. Success is winning. Getting into a good school is winning. All the things I wanted to do for me was back beating them. But I tucked it away, and I didn't talk about it for many years, and I didn't tell anyone. I didn't even talk about it with my friends who were there that night. It was just this horrible night that was too much of.

0:15:28 - (Lauren Brill): Too heavy to even, even face. And eventually it caught up to me and I had to talk about it and I had to deal with it. And I lost a lot of weight at that. That following year. I think it was the assault maybe combined also with applying to colleges, the stress that comes with that. I had a lot of anxiety, and I went from being, like, a healthy weight to losing 30 pounds. And I stress like, I wasn't overweight. I didn't have 30 pounds to lose.

0:15:56 - (Lauren Brill): And I was sick. I was underweight, I lost my period. I, you know, I was sick. So, yeah, I had my moments of struggle, for sure. And when I got to college, you know, I couldn't walk alone at night. So I went to Columbia in New York City. And despite being in New York City, it's a pretty safe campus. And especially when you're actually, like, on the main part of the campus, I always felt the campus was safe logically, but, like, emotionally, I would still get scared.

0:16:26 - (Lauren Brill): Like, I didn't think anything actually would happen on campus logically. But when I would walk at night from, maybe it's like a three minute walk from where my boyfriend's dorm was to mine, if I had to walk that alone, my heart would race. I would get back to my dorm crying just to release the anxiety. Like, I felt safe, but I didn't. Like, I thought the area was safe, but. But I was still scared. I had so much anxiety.

0:16:49 - (Lauren Brill): And so my boyfriend used to come and, like, walk me at night from one spot to another. A couple other football players who were really nice and very big would just say, hey, listen, you need me, you know, call me. I don't. I don't know if you had texted me freshman year and they would walk me back from, you know, parties, whatever, restaurants, whenever I needed. But over time, things did get better.

0:17:10 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah.

0:17:11 - (Lauren Brill): Yeah.

0:17:11 - (Kevin Lowe): Wow, what a horrible story of what you went through. And not just that individual night, but all the years afterwards of staying silent. And so you. You never spoke to anybody about what happened during this time.

0:17:31 - (Lauren Brill): So I got engaged when I was 21, and I told him something around 21. And then when I was working at an internship, I didn't remember this until the guy brought it up that I told him it was my boss. I was working an internship for CB's Sports when I was. How old was I? I think I was 19. And he assigned me a project to do, like, a documentary on violent athletes. So sexual violence came up a lot, and somehow it came up that his ex girlfriend or someone really close to him had been assaulted.

0:18:12 - (Lauren Brill): And then I had told him that something really bad had happened to me. I don't remember exactly what I called it because I didn't call it, like, rape or I probably called it sexual assault until I was older. And the federal definition. And the definition of rape has changed since I was assaulted. So by federal definition today, which is any sort of penetration is considered rape. So by federal definition today, it's considered rape. And in the state I was in, it's considered rape today when I was attacked, or it would have been considered sexual assault, attempted rape.

0:18:47 - (Lauren Brill): So the. The wording has changed. But I told him, and I. He said that. I said to him, no one could ever know because I think it would break my parents off. Yeah. I didn't. I think I thought it would really hurt my parents, especially my dad. And I. As I said, I had the best parents. Oh, my God. And that's the part that gets me, is, like, the parent. My parents, I had the best parents. And, like, forget about me.

0:19:10 - (Lauren Brill): They don't deserve to experience that hurt of what happened to me. Like, they did everything right. You know, I wrote once that as parents, I don't believe that you can protect your child from the world or from everything. You can do your best, but you just can't. But what you can do is love them so hard and so much and give them so much support that when things do hit them and they do get knocked down, they have the strength and resilience to persevere and make the most of that situation. And I believe wholeheartedly that a majority, if not all of my strength, of my perseverance, the reason I am well today and healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever you want to say, is because I was loved so hard. I just think I went into that assault.

0:19:59 - (Lauren Brill): When I was assaulted, I had a good confidence and I didn't fall as hard as I could have had. I not had the family that I had. So I truly believe that, like, that beautiful child that I had and that really just the love, like, forget the sports, forget the games, forget all that stuff. I was just loved so much, and I was, like, loved into being strong and loved into being resilient because I had that foundation, I believe so.

0:20:23 - (Lauren Brill): I think that was part of the reason I was done. But I think there was another part to it that, like, when you go through trauma, I think your brain tries to protect you. Like, you just. I. Like, I wasn't, like, for. I think especially the beginning, like, the first couple years, I wasn't, like, consciously keeping a secret. I just don't think my brain could fully process what, like, had happened. And it was just like, you know what?

0:20:46 - (Lauren Brill): Tuck this away. And then, like, I think your brain then starts to bring it back when it's able to handle it. And I think it brought it back. It's pieces when I was, like, 1921, but I didn't, like, full force start talking about it. Went in detail, and I didn't get open with it. I started getting opening with my family, my close friends, when I was 24, 25. I didn't get really open with it until I was much older, till I was in my early thirties, where then I was, like, you know, really able to speak about it pretty often and pretty easily. But there was a time that, like, that was my secret.

0:21:19 - (Lauren Brill): And I remember my boyfriend when I was 24, 25. I had told him, and he had told one of his friends, like, oh, she doesn't drink because of this xYz. And the friend came up to me, extremely well meaning and well intentioned, and said, you know, we'll always watch out for you. We'll never let anything happen to you. You know, so and so told me what happened to you when you were younger. We would never. We would always protect you.

0:21:41 - (Lauren Brill): And I was so mad at him. I was like, what? Don't tell people this. Like, I. It was. It was something I hadn't. I don't know if I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I was just. I wasn't fully, like, ready to. To face it. And I also think there wasn't shame, but I thought, like, I thought there was something that I did or something that, like, I was perceived as. I felt like I was chosen to be a victim, like, and I don't like that word, victim, but I felt like they picked me, and I thought there was, like, a reason they picked me. And so I don't want to tell anyone because it's like, it's. It's me issue, and it wasn't.

0:22:16 - (Lauren Brill): And also, when I told my friends how it happened, I didn't realize. I didn't know what happened to them that night. We didn't talk about it after. I just know that they were locked in a room at the time. And when I went to have lunch with my best friend, who's still my best friend, and tell her what happened to me that night because she didn't know. I brought up the party and remind you, this is 24. So we're talking about a party that happened eight years prior, when I had this conversation with her, and I was like, do you remember the party at so and so's house, you know, in West Nyack or whatever?

0:22:44 - (Lauren Brill): And right away she goes, of course I was drugged that night. I said, you were drugged. I was drugged. So I didn't realize they drugged all three of us, and then we shared into each other, and we were both shocked that we never shared with each other before. Like, why don't we talk about this? And she. She said, I just wanted to put it behind me. I wanted to forget about it. And for me, it was more of, like, I just couldn't even process it. I could. It just wasn't.

0:23:06 - (Lauren Brill): It was my body. My brain was in, like, almost a state of shock. So when we reconnected and we tried to fill some, because I don't have, like, I remember also that night, I think I remember it was right after I was assaulted thinking, like, whatever I remember right now, I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life. So, like, there were holes that I don't remember. I don't remember how I got up to the room. I don't remember how I got in. I don't remember how I got upstairs. I don't remember how I got. Because we were.

0:23:35 - (Lauren Brill): My friend said we were initially in another room. How I got from into the room that I was in. I don't remember everything. And she was able to fill some of those holes. Apparently, I was in a room with them, and I was like, I don't want any part of what's going on here. Like, I want to get out of here. And I had walked out of that initial room, and so my friend had thought I was, like, downstairs with the rest of the party the whole time, and she thought, like, I was going to be mad at her for being separated. And, you know, it was just.

0:24:03 - (Lauren Brill): Everything went wrong that night, but, like, I think it all started that we were all drugged and not in our.

0:24:09 - (Kevin Lowe): Right minds, but, yeah, no, absolutely. What made you finally decide to tell your parents?

0:24:15 - (Lauren Brill): I told my mom first. And the night before, I was dating someone, and he was one of those people that, like to, like, poke your buttons and make you, like, get a reaction out of you. Like, he likes to dig. And he kept asking me, like, why don't you drink? Why don't you drink? I'm like, leave it alone. Why don't you drink? Why don't you drink? Why don't you drink? Cause, like, I didn't just not drink. Like, if I. Like, I smelled alcohol, I was like, ugh. Like, I had just an adverse reaction to alcohol for a long time. I wouldn't touch it. And it wasn't, it wasn't like an alcoholic who was like, I don't want to be tempted. It was like, it was the most repulsive thing I could smell, and I couldn't kiss somebody if they had alcohol in their breath. Like, I can still, like, to this day, if I smell vodka, I can. I'll start to get a little nauseous.

0:25:01 - (Lauren Brill): So he just knew something was off, and so he kept asking me, why don't you drink? Why don't you drink? What? And he wouldn't let it go. And he wouldn't let it go. And I ran out, went home and ran away from him. And I texted him and told him what happened, and he's like, you need to let it go. And I just started crying. And the next morning, that's when I told my mom for the first time. He kind of, like, I don't know, he kind of just brought it to the forefront of my brain, I guess, and I was finally able to let it out. Like it was stored away somewhere. It wasn't in the forefront of my brain until he started pushing and poking and prodding. And then I didn't want to tell my dad at first. I told my mom, then I told my brother.

0:25:38 - (Lauren Brill): And we just thought it would hurt my dad so much. He's just, like, very sensitive, very loving father, and there was nothing we could do about it at that point. When I was 24, like, I kind of had, was okay. Like, I wasn't. My anxiety was better. My PTSD was better. So I wasn't really asking my parents for help. I didn't really need help. I just needed, like, to tell them. I just needed that someone to know.

0:26:01 - (Lauren Brill): And then a year later, you know, I still had some, like, fears and stuff, and I, like, didn't really like to be at my parents house home alone a lot. My dad was like, this is like a year. I guess I was either. I think I was 25. He was like, what is the big deal about being home alone? Like, he thought it was weird that a 25 year old didn't like to be home alone. And so he started, like, pushing and prodding and being like, what heck? You know, what is that about? And he was teasing me a little bit, and then that's when I told him what happened. And then he felt so bad, and he was like, why didn't you tell me something at the time?

0:26:30 - (Lauren Brill): Because he's a lawyer. So, like, he's a fighter, you know? Like, he would. He would have gone after them like, full force. He's like, why didn't you tell me so we could have done something? And I was like, I just. The only way I can explain it is I couldn't really process it fully. I didn't wake up the next day, like, with a clear head of logic of, like, we should do this, we should do that. My body and my mind was just in such a state of shock, and, like, it just took a long time for me to be able to really process it, talk about it, deal with it, address it. And because I waited so long, I never found out who did it. I have, like, I remember them.

0:27:09 - (Lauren Brill): One of the guys telling me he was from x town, so I went like. And they were soccer players. So I remember, like, I eventually went and got the yearbook, and I'm like, okay. There were certain characteristics that I remembered, and the characteristics that I remember didn't line up with the soccer players at that school. So then I was like, okay, now I'm lost. But, yeah, I don't know. I have some ideas, but I don't know for sure who did it. And so I've always kind of felt like, okay, well, then there's nothing I could do about them, so they don't matter. I just need to focus on me and being the best me I can be and the healthiest me.

0:27:42 - (Lauren Brill): And I still have that mentality of, like, if I'm healthy and I didn't let them hurt me and I didn't let them stop me from, like, achieving any and every dream, then I win, and I just have to put everything in the context of, like, winning and losing because my brain is so competitive that it motivates me so much. Yeah, I just don't focus. Like, a lot of people ask the question, like, do I forgive them?

0:28:03 - (Lauren Brill): And my brain does not give them enough energy to, like, be like, oh, I forgive them. Like, it's about me, not them. So I don't not forgive them, but I also don't forgive them. They're just not. They're just not important enough in my brain to, like, have an emotion toward them either way. Like, they're just. It's just this about my journey and me and my healing, not about, like, how I feel about these two nameless people who did this horrible thing to me.

0:28:27 - (Kevin Lowe): Yeah. Has it been a source of angst, a sense of even furthering the. Maybe the hardness to heal, the fact that you don't know who they are.

0:28:40 - (Lauren Brill): Maybe when I was younger, but not anymore. You know, it just. There's a lot of research that says people who do these type of things do it over and over. So, you know, I feel bad that I didn't stop them. And I think, for me, I just pray that, like, they had a moment in their life where they decided to be better people and they're not hurting other people. But would I be curious to know? I guess so. But I don't think it's stopped me from healing or hurting in some ways. Like, it made it easier, because when I tell people, it's not like I'm telling them, like, oh, like, you know, little Johnny did this to me. And that someone's like, oh, little Johnny, my friend from middle school or my friend from high school or the quarterback of the football team, he would never do it. So I didn't get a lot of, like, people saying, oh, that didn't happen, or he would never do that because nobody knows who they are. You know, I wasn't accusing someone that someone knew. Right. So in some ways, it made it easier because nobody questioned me because, you know, I think a lot of times when girls speak up, they're like, oh, so and so would never do that. Oh, he's the star athlete. Like, he would never. He. We have to protect him. And, like, I think a lot of times when you name a person that can cause a reaction that causes another level of trauma for. For women.

0:29:53 - (Lauren Brill): So I do. I. No, I don't. I think not knowing. I think it was. I think at one point it did. And I think I just. I was like, I'm gonna let this go. And that's when I think that's why I was like, okay, I gotta focus on me because there's nothing I could do about these two premens that I'm never gonna find. Because I did try to find them. I was looking through, like, all the yearbooks in, like, Bergen county from that year.

0:30:13 - (Lauren Brill): I went to