When Being Mom Isn’t Easy: How to Keep Going When You Can’t Make It All Better

What about when it goes deeper than that?

Today I'm sharing the story of a woman, of a mother who knows the scenario all too well, about the times in life when you can't make it all better.

That no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you pray or how hard you cry, the pain won't go away.

You can't take away the pain from your child.

Now, that woman, I'm lucky enough to get to call my mom.

Her name is Teresa.

And she was recently featured on a podcast called The Mom's Day Bunker, hosted by Carrie Henson.

And their conversation, it's basically just two women, two mothers who know what it's like to have their kids hurting and yet they can't do anything to help.

They can be there for them, but they can't make it all better.

The conversation between the two of them, I thought was so beautiful.

It was so heartfelt, so real, raw, and emotional, capturing the way of being a parent when it's not easy.

And with next week marking the 22nd year anniversary of the day I became blind, the day that my entire family's world stopped spinning.

The moment in time when my mom would hit her knees begging and pleading God for an answer, asking that question of why it's that anniversary next week on October 28th, that made me realize that I wanted to share this episode here on my podcast.

So today I'm dropping an episode from the Mom's Day Bunker podcast, hosted by Carrie Henson, here onto my podcast for you to listen to.

If you're a mom, a dad, if there's anybody you take care of in your life that you love, I guarantee you there's gonna be something said today that's gonna hit hard that you're gonna relate to.

And that's why this podcast is here, is to help you get through the hard stuff.

So, my friend, this is a really special episode, one that I truly hope you take to heart.

So, with that said, I introduce you to the Mom's Day Bunker podcast, hosted by Carrie Henson, featuring none other than my mom, Teresa Lowe.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I got Grid Grayson inspiration on my mind.

SPEAKER_02: Welcome back to the Mom's Day Bunker.

I am Carrie Henson.

I'm your host, and in the bunker today, we have a wonderful guest.

Her name is Teresa, and Teresa is here to tell us her story and hopefully give some encouragement and validation to some moms out there who are going through similar situations.

And she's just lovely.

Teresa, how are you today?

I'm good, Carrie.

How are you today?

Hey, hanging in there one day at a time.

To be honest, I was gonna lay that on the table one day at a time.

But really good.

I mean, gosh, you go through stuff in life and you still get to eat Chick-fil-A for breakfast, you know?

Like it's not that bad, I guess.

So tell us about, tell us about you.

I'm gonna get out of the way because I I sometimes I feel like I get in everybody's way when they first come in.

And I really just I'm just gonna hand it over to you and you tell us your story.

SPEAKER_01: Okay.

Well, something that people usually figure out.

If I go back to before I became a mom, I was young, actually.

I got pregnant when I was 16, and I had my daughter when I was 17.

I married her dad, and we were married for 13 years.

But I realized at that time I was very fortunate.

I had my family behind me and also my husband's family.

We we had a lot of support.

So I was very fortunate in that.

Fast forward five years, I I then had my son Kevin.

And Kevin was always like a role with the flow kid from from the beginning.

I was fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom for oh, for about 10 years from the time I had Tiffany.

So I I got to do a lot with my kids.

Again, I was young, the support system was amazing.

So, you know, we we made it through.

And both of my kids were just normal kids.

And and then Kevin, though, when when he was three, started having really bad headaches.

So they called them cluster migraine headaches.

And he would beat his head against the wall because his head hurt so badly.

That like started it.

So he was on medication for like two years for that.

Then when he went to school, we found out that he needed glasses.

So Kevin was in glasses from five.

So all these years go by, and and Kevin's having all kinds of symptoms, and I'm taking him to the doctor.

And then when he was 17, the uh bomb hit, and uh, I found out that he had a brain tumor, and he was supposed to have surgery and be okay after two weeks.

It was supposed to be fine.

And instead, when he finally woke up from surgery, he was a hundred percent blind.

Also, his pituitary was killed, so he had no pituitary function.

I I remember the night that we found out that he couldn't see, and I remember leaving the room and just dropping to my knees.

There was nothing, there was nothing I could do to fix it.

So Kevin was in the hospital for quite some time, and then at this point, I I had already, I had remarried.

The doctors were so impressed because the day of his surgery, we had about 32 people in the we took over the entire waiting room.

And it was, you know, my family and his dad's family, and we all just still came together.

So when Kevin came out of surgery, I remember the doctors said that they would, they were just gonna allow all 32 of us to go back at one time and see him.

So we basically just kind of took over that whole area, and and it was so awesome of them to allow everybody to just lay eyes on him and know that he was out.

And, you know, and of course he was intimated still and all that, so he had no idea.

But but it it allowed everybody to just know he's okay, you know, he's alive.

He's so there was blessings all around, even in the midst of this horrible tragedy to us.

SPEAKER_02: What was his life like before the surgery?

SPEAKER_01: Before the surgery, Kevin was, he used to drive me nuts because he would do everything.

Like he would be into surfing, and we would get him everything to do surfing.

And then he would do that for maybe a month or two.

And then it was okay, I'm done with that.

Now I want to do, I'm gonna do golfing.

So we would get him everything for that.

He would do golfing.

He was always into um dirt bikes.

He got his first dirt bike when he was three and it had training wheels on it.

So he was big into dirt biking.

He also, when he turned 16, he got his big four-wheel drive pickup truck that was an old truck that he had seen, and he wanted it, and it was his baby, and he loved it.

I can look back on his whole life and I know that God had his hand in it from day one because all those things that drove me nuts that he wanted to do this and he wanted to do that.

Kevin was able to do so much, and that's why he knows so much about a lot of things, and he was able to do it.

And I feel because God knew one day he could, he wouldn't.

And so he let him experience all these different things.

I also, in my second marriage, we were we traveled a lot.

So Kevin, we took the kids to Alaska, to California.

He he got to see things, and I'm so thankful that that he was able to see a lot of things that like I had never seen growing up.

And he was able to, but Kevin, Kevin's always been my happy just roll with the flow kid, and he still is, and and he was through it all.

He was.

You know, I know he's my kid, but he's he's pretty amazing.

SPEAKER_02: Of course, of course he is.

So you go through the surgery and everybody's there and they're all saying hi to him.

When did they tell you that his sight was gone?

Was it pretty immediate or did it take him a while?

Because I know with brain surgery, just coming from a cancer mom's perspective, they try to, and I don't know if they did this with Kevin, but they do kind of keep them sedated for a while just to make sure that swelling and everything.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he he actually had patches on his eyes.

And that's another thing.

We met with a a mom and a son that had been through the surgery.

One thing she had told Kevin was if you come out of surgery and you can't see, don't panic because they're gonna cover your eyes.

So so I to this day believe that that is why Kevin did not panic when he woke up, is because I think back in somewhere in his head, he remembered that.

So I was very thankful that she had said that.

But he was, I believe it was the next day he woke up.

And that night he extubated himself.

And then the nurse came in because he kept trying to pull the oxygen thing off of his finger.

That was when they used to have the wraps, like a band-aid almost.

So they had that on him.

And I was I was in the room with them, and the nurse came in and said, Kevin, stop.

You know, you have to stop taking that off.

See this light?

You can't touch this light.

This has to stay on you.

Don't, you know.

And Kevin kept saying, What light?

What light?

And he's going, This light, you know, do you see this?

It's a red light.

And Kevin kept saying, I don't, I don't see any light.

Everything's black.

He's like, I don't see a light.

And and still, though, we were like not getting it.

And the nurse finally kind of looked a little bit, not panicked, I don't want to say, but like, what's going on?

And turned the big light on in the room and said, Okay, can you see the light?

And he said, No, I don't see a light.

I see grays and blacks.

And then the nurse started checking his eyes and realized that his pupils weren't working, and immediately went and called the doctor.

And that's that's how we knew he he couldn't see.

And what were you thinking?

Like, what were you feeling and thinking?

At that point, I was kind of like, okay, they need to get in here and figure out what's wrong.

Like, you know, and the doctor basically said he would be there the next morning.

And I guess they knew that there was nothing.

And when they checked them, there was nothing that that could be done.

So, but I I do remember too that I remember one time they they had like you would have people come in like playing instruments, or you know, the dog they would bring in to, you know, try to make the kids a little bit happy or whatever.

And um, this lady came in and she was playing a harp.

And she was sitting there, and Kevin was just laying there and his eyes were closed and he was listening.

And she asked him, Do you hear the music?

And he he said, Yes.

And she said, Well, if you would open your eyes and look at me, you would be able to see it too.

And he did it like think he thought that he would see her.

And I I ran out of the room.

I was so upset that for one that she had said that.

But in hindsight, I realized it it wasn't her fault.

But I was just, I kept saying out in the hall, I was just crying and saying, why would she say that?

Why would why would she do that to him?

Why, you know?

And but I remember that they actually they had never had this happen.

So it was like nobody knew what to do with it.

So they were actually going to take Kevin away from me.

And they wanted me to put him in a rehab center, not because of his physical issues, but because he was blind.

And they had me go visit a couple of places.

And I told, you know, his dad and my my husband at the time, I said, they can't take him away from me.

Like that this is ridiculous.

I I'm taking him home.

SPEAKER_02: But what was the purpose of him going being taken away, like forever, or just to sh help him learn how to be blind from going from sight to blind?

SPEAKER_01: Or like what was the they basically told me that the reason they ended up allowing me to take him home is because I had such a huge support system.

But basically, had I I looked at it like had I been necessarily like a single mom, let's say, with no support, you know, what if what if I didn't have any family?

They would have used that and taken him.

And and because it was because he was blind.

Again, in hindsight, I think things have come a long way in in the 21 years.

They who is they who is they?

It was the hospital and the social workers.

Yeah.

What state they had what state were you in?

Florida.

I was in Orlando.

unknown: Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: I can feel the heat rising in my eyes as you are saying this.

It is so incredible to me.

I don't tell this story very often, but we were told when I had cancer to be very careful because those doctors and social workers and CPS and all the things would take from us if we did not cooperate.

So when you have a medically fragile child, no matter what the circumstance is, and you take that child to get help from a from a facility, from people who have have all this education and this experience and this wisdom, and you love your child as a mom, you want to help your child, and you don't agree with them, they will then take your child from you.

And I did not want to believe that, Teresa, but there was one day we were about six months post-chemo, and we had to go in regularly for scans and checkups.

And uh, the receptionists came out into the hall.

And this is a huge hospital, children's hospital in Texas.

I mean, we were like on the 14th floor.

I mean, it's huge.

And they started telling, yelling at everybody to get in the hallway.

And of course, I'm so dumb.

I don't know why my brain works like this.

But I was like, oh, is there a tornado?

Like, we got to get in the hallway.

Because I grew up in West Texas where it's kind of like tornado alley.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, there's a tornado.

There was not a tornado.

There was a dad whose child, whose daughter was in a wheelchair, half dead.

She she was just barely there.

You could tell that this child was ready to leave this earth.

She was older, probably 12 or 13, and he wanted to take her home.

And there were six armed guards with their guns ready to draw on this father.

And they took that child away from him.

And I was so scared and I was so shocked.

And I just held on to and I was like, okay, I'm so glad that we're through.

And may God never let this cancer return because I got to get the Hades out of here.

It is crazy.

It's crazy.

Now, this is just my experience, and I'm sure I'm gonna piss a lot of people off by saying this, but it's true.

And it's and it is an abomination to motherhood.

Okay, I'm I'm done.

I'll take my tinfoil hat off now.

I just get so passionate about it because I see these parents struggle and they and their back is up against a wall, and it's not fair.

SPEAKER_01: No, it is it isn't.

When they started saying, I was like, what are you talking about?

Like, uh no, I'm taking him home.

You know, what and they made me go to those places and check, and I was like, he is not coming here.

I, you know, but anyway, um That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02: So we did.

And I'm sure there is there was a huge learning curve to be had once y'all got home.

But that that should have been up to you, period, and his dad, period.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

I mean, I I can remember the next day after, you know, that night going through that.

I can remember being outside the hospital.

And I was on the phone already calling every agency that I could think of that would be able to help me.

I I was like in, I don't know, I guess like mom mode, like you've got to find, you've you've got to figure it out.

You've got to, you've gotta, you know, find somebody to help with this.

And we are fortunate.

We live in Ormond Beach, which is right near Daytona.

And so we have a huge blind center, actually, in Daytona.

And Kevin did go there after, like for daily stuff, like, you know, uh helping him to learn because Kevin was always very much a visual learner.

And so he had to really, he had to adjust to auditory learning.

But Kevin, I was very fortunate.

Kevin's extremely smart.

He had already done all the things that he needed.

He was a junior in high school, and uh it was the beginning of his junior year, but he had already done all the things that he needed to graduate, all those tests and crazy stuff they make him do.

So he had already done all of that, which was like such a plus to his teachers.

And then, you know, the something I did leave out is um growing up, Kevin was always my very organized child.

Kevin, I he would get up very early every morning.

He's always been an early riser, and he would have my entire pantry like cleaned up, reorganized, you know.

He he just always did that.

And that was one of the things that that the uh teachers that he had said was such a plus that that's one of the hardest things that they teach people that become blind is trying to be organized.

And Kevin already had the plan of how he was gonna tell the colors of his shorts and how he was gonna, I mean, and they were just like, oh, this is awesome.

How do you tell the color of your shorts?

He actually will cut the tags.

He cuts his tags in a certain way.

So, like, like he wears a lot of those like comfy, um, what do you call them, athletic shorts or whatever.

So the, you know, red, black, gray.

So he cuts the tags a certain way, which tells him which ones they are.

You know, he does that.

Yeah, I know.

I was like, oh, great.

I would have never thought of that.

SPEAKER_02: I know.

I was like, how do you know?

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

You know, but but the other thing is like after Kevin went blind, we still took him everywhere and did everything with him.

And I remember we went on a cruise.

Things like this used to bother me.

But people asked us, why would you bring him on a cruise?

He he can't see anything, he can't enjoy the sights.

He can't, like, why, why would you even bring him?

And like at the time, I remember I didn't even know like how to answer these people.

Like, you know, what are you what are you talking about?

And people would get mad because I Remember, we went on a tour and it was of a rainforest.

And I told the driver that Kevin and I would just of the bus.

I said, Kevin and I are just going to kind of hang out right here because he's, you know, slower and, you know, it'll take it away from everybody else.

And he's like, heck no.

You know, he's like, I'm I'm gonna walk with you guys.

And he let Kevin do things like feel certain things on the trees and different stuff.

It was so awesome.

But then we got back to the bus and people were so mean and angry because Kevin got the guide and he was able to like touch things and they weren't allowed to touch stuff and all this stuff.

And I got on the bus and I stood up and I said, Listen, I'm really sorry if you guys are angry and I'm sorry that we took longer.

I said, but if any one of you wants to step in my son's shoes, I would be glad for you to do the things he did today.

Good for you, mama.

Good for you.

You know, I was so angry.

I was just, I just don't understand people sometimes.

But something I do want to tell people like mom's out there, Kevin had symptoms his entire life.

We went through so many doctors, and his primary doctor did not piece it all together.

And we kept saying something's wrong.

He's Kevin never went through puberty.

He was chubby.

He had headaches every day of his life.

He was thirsty.

I always used to say he drank like no human I've ever known in my life.

His vision continually got worse, never could correct to 2020, even with glasses and stuff.

I mean, it was just every symptom he could have.

And I continued to say there's something wrong.

And the doctors kept telling me he's just a late bloomer.

He's he eats too much.

You just don't see him eating.

He eats, he's a closet eater.

I'm like, no, you don't understand.

He doesn't like snacks.

He doesn't eat things like that.

I want all moms to know, don't always believe the doctors.

I did.

It was the best pediatrician in our area.

I believed him with all my heart.

He knew Kevin's dad's family.

They were, they were doctors.

And so they knew him and the doctors, they were orthodontists, but they they knew him and they were friends with him.

And I just knew that, you know, he's the doctor.

He he knows what he's doing.

And don't always, if you have a gut feeling, don't let them tell you you're being silly, you're you're not, you know, your kids doing something that you don't know about.

You know, check into all that, of course.

But keep moving, keep pushing.

Because had my son's tumor been found earlier, he definitely would not have gone blind.

And he probably wouldn't have as many of the medical issues.

Because Kevin will tell you to this day that if he had a choice of getting his vision back or getting his health back, he will tell you he would take his health any day.

Because when people get mad and say mean things about Kevin being so heavy, and he's heavy because he overeats, and because he doesn't do anything because he's blind.

That's not the truth.

The truth is he has medical issues that he can't do things.

And the weight is from the pituitary issues.

He doesn't overeat.

And you have to be the advocate for your kid.

You have to be the advocate for yourself and your kid.

100%.

And don't always believe.

Don't always believe.

And if you need second opinions, you go get second opinions and third opinions and whatever it takes for you to know.

SPEAKER_02: There are just other avenues out there.

And if you have a child that you know something's wrong, then I I'm with you.

Advocate.

Go get a second opinion.

Get a third opinion.

Don't let those doctors bully you.

Don't let them bully you.

And and they they are really good at bullying you, aren't they?

I mean, I and they're not all, they're not all bad.

I don't we have some great ones, but yeah, they're not.

SPEAKER_01: And you know, the only reason we found out that Kevin had something was my husband's insurance had changed, and I needed the pediatrician, wasn't on the insurance.

So I said to Kevin, I said, you know, you're older now.

I said, let's just take you to to my family practice doctor and for your, you know, school checkup thing.

And that's what we did.

And I remember I just said, hey, I said, I just have a question.

I said, can you just check?

You know, I said, Kevin's never that I know of gone through puberty.

Like he, you know, I said, he's not growing.

He's not, you know, can you just check?

And so he asked me to leave the room.

And he actually came out the door, closed it, and had a look of horror on his face and said, You have got to get to a pediatric endocrinologist immediately.

He said, You there's something wrong.

And I I immediately did that.

And when I took Kevin's growth chart and everything, I had had it sent there and we went for our first appointment.

And the first words that endoctor said to me was, he pulled out his growth chart and he said, A human doesn't grow like this.

And he told me, he said he did his exam, he listened, we told him every symptom Kevin had ever had, like even if we didn't realize because at that time we didn't realize it was all connected.

But I was like, this, this, this.

And he said, Well, I suspect that he has a brain tumor, a pituitary tumor.

SPEAKER_02: And this tumor was not a cancerous tumor, correct?

SPEAKER_01: Correct.

That we were very blessed with that.

It set on his where the optic nerves cross, it set right there, which also it squished the pituitary gland, so it killed it as well.

And it it the blood had actually for his optic nerves had actually started going through that tumor.

So, but when the tumor was removed, the doctor came out and he had told us that his eyes, that the optic nerves looked good, that he did have to tug quite a bit on one.

So there might be a little bit of issues with one eye, but he said the other one looked really good.

But it had just taken its toll.

It had just taken its toll.

But oh um, so I know I've jumped like all over the place.

So if you have questions.

Oh gosh, Teresa, I think I have so many questions.

SPEAKER_02: I just have because I have questions because I can hear so much wisdom in your voice.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is Kevin now?

SPEAKER_01: Kevin is, oh gosh, let me not get this wrong, 37.

SPEAKER_02: And Tiffany is Tiffany is 40.

She will be 43.

So you have been a mom for 43 years.

unknown: Yes.

SPEAKER_02: That is 43 years of wisdom.

Like, and and hard-earned, I think, wisdom too.

SPEAKER_01: Very hard-earned.

I and and I do, I really quickly just do want to touch on on Tiffany.

When Tiffany was 12, she was diagnosed with endometriosis.

And she was the youngest person that the that at that time that my OBGYN saw her and found it.

Anyway, Tiffany had symptoms, like crazy symptoms of stuff her whole life.

She was just diagnosed about, I'm gonna say maybe maybe eight years ago with a mast cell, mast cell activation disorder.

And that is what they now looking back, they realize that's what was wrong with her the whole time.

So Tiffany's body acts like it's allergic to everything, like like she can eat strawberries every single day.

And then all of a sudden, she'll eat a strawberry, and she goes into, she's gone into anaphylactic shock.

She's it it affects her insides more than anything.

Um, so like stomach, she has a lot of pain, and it's very debilitating when when you go into effect.

But then she can go back two hours later and eat a strawberry and it doesn't do that.

She's truly not allergic.

It's just her body, the cells are fighting against each other.

So, you know, not only because we kind of forget about Tiffany, she's been a nurse for 20 years.

I mean, she's she's the oldest, but she has she's almost like a middle child, huh?

Yeah.

And and, you know, she uh she gets overlooked, but you know, Tiffany actually she she became a nurse.

She had just started nursing school when Kevin had his tumor, and she did work in the he went to Arnold Palmer Hospital in Orlando, and she ended up that's where she went, and she worked in the ICU for 13 years, the unit that Kevin was in, because she she just had a calling.

And fortunately, one of the nurses had become a very good friend to us, and he said he would train her.

He told them he would, he would take her out of school, and and so he did.

And and um, she had the doctors would utilize her for a liaison between the parents because she was so good, because we had been through it, and so she did that.

She had a family, their child passed away, and they had another one, and they came to see her and told her they named their daughter, their new daughter after her because she was their angel.

And I mean, so my poor Tiffany kind of gets overshadowed by Kevin.

But I remember after it happened, we were sitting there and Tiffany was crying, of course, and said, Kevin, I I prayed to God that he would let me be blind and give you your sight back.

And he he turned his head towards her and he said, Sister, you couldn't handle this.

SPEAKER_02: I had a wonderful conversation with your son a couple of weeks ago, and he has such a great sense of humor.

He does.

SPEAKER_01: He he he's honestly, he I had lost a lot of faith in God, and and Kevin brought me back to that.

Kevin, I finally said, you know, God, if Kevin can't be mad at you or isn't mad at you, how can I be?

You know, and and uh Kevin, Kevin's just, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02: I he's a bright light.

He's a gift, he's a gift, he he really is, and so is Tiffany.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: So she didn't have endometriosis then, I guess, right?

Or did she have it?

SPEAKER_01: Well, she had some, but the doctor always because she had to have surgery about every two years for it.

And the doctor always would come out and say, I just don't understand because there's it's not that bad for the symptoms that she was having.

But this was something that was not even a named disease until about 10 years ago.

So we would go to hospitals even in the last 10 years when we have to go to the hospital with her, because she had to end up taking a year off of work because she couldn't work, because literally we were in the hospitals almost every day.

And she was up to taking her EpiPen like three times a day.

And yeah, and it so anyway, it was it was awful.

Um, we've almost lost her a few times.

So it's, you know, even in that case, again, you know, the doctors they they would tell us she's a drug addict, she's just wanting pain medication.

I mean, all kinds of stuff.

And again, be the advocate.

By then I had kind of learned.

And I went out in that hall and I told the head nurse, you need to get me another doctor in here.

SPEAKER_02: Yes, I tell parents that like you have the rights to have another doctor.

You have rights to have another nurse.

And sometimes people just don't vibe.

You don't have to be mean about it, you don't have to be unkind, but just say, you know, we need someone else.

SPEAKER_01: That's right.

And and sometimes just another set of eyes looking at at things, you know, they they can see something a little different.

So again, like in that, you know, just know that, you know, you just be the advocate, you fight, you you be that mean mom if that's what you need to be.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have to be brave.

SPEAKER_02: You have to be brave.

I've always find myself to be, or I know that I am a very strong-willed person and not afraid to talk and not if I'm not afraid of confrontation.

I don't like it, but I I'm not afraid of it.

And I'm not really afraid of conflict.

I don't like it.

But you know, I just have that big personality.

And even with all of that, even with knowing who I am, I was still scared to death to stand up to the doctors and the nurses.

You know, I was still scared to death to talk, you know, just to talk to, well, you know, I we've gone through a lot of legal stuff too, like just to be able to stand up in front of a judge or a lawyer and tell my story and advocate for my kids.

And like it's scary, man.

Like it's scary.

SPEAKER_01: And and something I've learned, like, I mean, along the way, I I grew up in a my father was a police officer, family members, like I grew up in law enforcement.

I have a great respect for law enforcement.

However, I also know that law enforcement, they're all human.

Same with I am now, I'm a trial clerk.

So I deal with judges, attorneys, all that all day long.

And again, they're human.

And actually, it's the same with doctors.

You know what?

They're people, and they can step off their high horse for a moment and realize they're a person too.

And don't be afraid of that.

Don't let all those people intimidate you.

You know, you just step up and say what you gotta say, and they can like it or not like it, but they gotta deal with it.

And and you just, you, you have to do that.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02: Well, uh, Teresa, gosh, thank you for sharing your story with me today and and your wisdom with everybody.

I I think that the overall theme has just been advocate, advocate, advocate.

And I'm gonna I wanna ask you a question because and it's just for my own peace of mind, maybe, or I don't even know, but you know, I've had you've had these two blessings and they've gone through journeys where, you know, they've almost died.

I mean, they've kissed death's door.

And you're the mom, and you're you're saving them.

You know, you're doing the best you can to get them the help to save them.

And I have also had children, I have six children.

Three of them have kissed death's hand and survived.

And I find myself sometimes just wondering who's next.

And sometimes I find myself thinking I almost overdo it because I'm so afraid that something's gonna, you know, end up happening to them again or cancer's back.

Or do you do you have moments of that too?

SPEAKER_01: Or I do.

I always said that the the very first pediatric endocrinologist that Kevin had was, I've always said was the only doctor that ever told me the truth.

And he told me that one day Kevin would be five, six hundred pounds, and that Kevin would probably die young, not necessarily because of, you know, the the illness, but because of the side effects.

So I've always had, like, I for one, I said no, he'll never weigh that much.

He does not yet, but he is extremely heavy, and there's nothing we can do about it.

So yeah, that takes a toll on the body.

I've always since then had in the back of my head what he said about death.

Kevin's lived a lot longer than I ever thought he would just from that.

But I worry some days, and I know this, I I don't, I don't mean it to sound like some people.

A lot of times I, if my kids have to go, I just want to go with them.

And I don't want to really go before them because I'm afraid nobody will take care of them like I do.

And that's just a worry, like in my head.

But I uh I try not I try not to go there.

SPEAKER_02: Yes, yeah, I try not to go there either, and I have the same thoughts often.

But we are human and our mind does go there.

So how do you get yourself out of that head space?

SPEAKER_01: You know, sometimes I feel like I never have really truly grieved because I lost I lost my son and all the things that could have been.

And I gained a new, I gained a new awesome son.

But a lot of times I tend to just don't, I I I have that box and it's up in my closet, and I just keep it there.

Sometimes Kevin will talk to me and say things, and I have to, I just try to kind of block it out.

I I'm a person that blocks out a lot, and I I because I I have to move forward every day, I can't I can't keep it out there in the forefront, or I would just sit and cry all day.

So I have to be there for my kids.

I have to make them happy.

I I want them both of my kids, we we all three live together still.

We're three peas in a pod.

We're best friends.

I had to come to a realization a few about two years ago now, I wanted to be a grandma more than anything.

I wanted to make right things I didn't do right with them.

And I finally had to accept that, you know, I I'm not I'm not gonna be a grandma.

And um, stupid as that sounds, that was just important to me.

So that's not stupid, Teresa.

That's not stupid at all.

You just have to take the things and make life good.

You know, you just have to take what you got, and and I do.

I have two wonderful kids.

I have a wonderful family.

I'm still blessed that I have both of my parents.

We still are good friends.

I mean, the the the kids, dad's family, we're all still I I mean, it there's so many blessings to be found, and that's what you have to look at.

You have to find the blessings.

The beauty in the ashes.

SPEAKER_02: I s I struggle with I struggle with that grief.

What our life was before and what our life is after.

And it's like life has been leapfrogging for the past, well, 10 years.

I mean, we had cancer, then we had Harvey, then my husband's anorexic, and he went to rehab, and then COVID, and then was hit by the car, and then I'm going through a terrible divorce.

I mean, it's terrible, terrible divorce.

And I just, I just keep grieving.

I like I was grieving before cancer, and then I started to kind of go, okay, well, we got this new life, it's okay.

And then we got hit with Harvey, and I'm like, start grieving Harvey, and I'm like, and I'm grieving all the things we lost.

Like, it's just so stupid.

They're just things, but things hold memories and they're gone.

Like all of their baby blankets were gone, all of their everything gone.

And and so I had to grieve that.

But as soon as I got done grieving, and I and I'm having kid after kid after kid, you know, Meg having all these babies.

And my dad was had a medical issue come up during this time too.

And then, you know, I'm watching my husband waste away to 115 pounds, and he goes to rehab and he comes back, and he comes back a total monster, like a monster.

It was it's insane to me.

I just that's that's I I don't understand how it happened.

I thought, okay, he's gonna go to rehab, he's gonna get better.

Yeah.

But he he didn't.

He came back a well-fed monster.

SPEAKER_01: I always say, like us, we get hit and hit and hit.

Like like I I'm blessed my parents are here, but six months after Kevin's tumor, my father had a major heart attack.

So we dealt with that.

Then my mom now she has acalacea, which her throat, the muscles died in her throat.

So my mom can't really eat, and she's had surgeries and and and she's wasting away to nothing.

And uh, we always laugh and go, you know, just let the hits keep coming.

Just just I mean my brother was in a bad motorcycle accident two years ago.

Finally.

Finally.

My other brother now.

He's waiting for being diagnosed with some type of cancer or something.

I mean it is a broken world.

It is a broken world.

It is.

We just get through.

You know, you just get through every day.

You do, you just have to.

And sometimes it's minute to minute.

Yep.

And you know, but find the blessings, and that's that's why I have Kevin, because Kevin always finds the blessing for us.

SPEAKER_00: All the way to the very end of today's special surprise for you.

Turn it into a full song.

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But until then, I hope you enjoy this song.

SPEAKER_03: I used to be the one who could always make it better.

Band-aids and whispered prayers made the world feel safer.

But this, this is something love can reach.

And I don't know how to breathe.

I'd take it all if I could.

God, I swear I would.

It's a heart that's breaking open.

Saying, Jesus, please.

I can't fix what's hurting them.

Head is tearing through my chest.

So I lay here on this floor.

With the only thing I have left.

Jesus please.

Jesus please.

Everyone keeps saying, be strong in need you now.

But they don't hear the silence when no one else is around.

They don't know the way it feels to know there's a pain I can't control.

I would bleed to take their place.

God just look at my face.

Even heaven goes quite deep.

Every angel stands in silence.

Like they know it's kind of pleased.

I don't have the word to stay.

Just a breaking heart that bleeds.

So I whisper through the shaking.

Jesus please Jesus.

I am a tower.

So they won't hear me pray.

So my tears don't sound like race.

They call me strong, they stay out of time.

But they never stop, it's always night.

I was never tryna be brave.

I was just trying not to catch.

When I'm under hits her knees, Jesus doesn't watch and leave.

He comes down into the heartbreak.

And he sits there next to me.

He don't stand above my pain.

No, he kneels beside these pleas.

And I swear I felt him weeping.

Right here on this cold down league.