A Workplace Affair Ignited Her Hidden Desire to Take Control of Her Life

Let our mind wander a little bit.

In five years, do you hope that you'll be a different version of yourself?

Or are you happy with who you are and where you are in life?

And now let's really think.

When it's all said and done, and it's your funeral, what do you hope people say about you?

These are the kind of questions that I've been pondering ever since talking with today's guest, Lizel Hayes.

And, well, I don't know.

I guess I'm kind of hoping after today's episode, you'll be left wondering the same.

SPEAKER_00: With the eyes of the blind, see the world from a different view, look at life from a different angle, and get to know people in a different way.

This is the Low Down with Kevin Lowe.

SPEAKER_01: Hey, welcome back to the Lowdown with Kevin Lowe.

I'm of course Kevin Lowe, your host, and you are listening to episode number 36.

Today we are joined by Lazel Hayes.

Lazel believes that life truly begins when you agree to write your own story.

Lazel Hayes is a self-development author who used her own crisis to rewrite her life.

It was just five years ago that Lizel was working way too much.

We're talking 60 hours a week.

Her marriage was failing.

She was the last mom to pick her kids up from daycare.

And her life was in crisis.

But Lizel recognized what was happening.

She was not okay to keep going like she was.

So she made a change.

She left that corporate job to become an entrepreneur, opening her own inn.

Yes, that's right.

She left the comfort and security of a workplace to become her own boss, to be in control of her own destiny.

And that's what has brought Lizel to where she is today.

Where she recognizes what she has been through, and she decided, you know what?

Perhaps I can be of help to others who find themselves in crisis.

And that's why coming out in fall of 2021 is Lazel's first book.

So let's go ahead and let you meet Lazel Hayes.

Hey guys, I am here today with Lazel Hayes.

Liza, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_03: Kevin, thank you.

It's really great to be here.

SPEAKER_01: Well, wonderful.

Well, I'm super excited to have you here today.

And I introduced you at the beginning of the show.

Just kind of gave a brief intro into who you are.

And I kind of feel like it's a safe place to say that I'd love for us to start, if you don't mind, going back to 2016.

It looks like that is a pretty uh kind of pivotal time period in your life.

And so I was kind of wondering if you would kind of paint a picture for us of what life was like, what was going on back in 2016?

SPEAKER_03: So, Kevin, in 2016, I was working a 60-hour a week corporate job.

And, you know, a big part of that was that I really am the type of person where I want to be everything to everyone.

I wanted to be at that time in my life.

And I was the person that you would call with all the last minute requests.

I was the person who would rescue you when you needed saving in less than 10 minutes.

And that required a lot of night and weekend work for me.

The hardest thing for me is that I was trying to balance being a mother and being a wife.

And I was spread so thin, I didn't feel like I was succeeding on any life front.

And I got to the place in my life where I put myself last for so long that I was in crisis.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

Now, what kind of work were you doing?

SPEAKER_03: So I was a human resources strategist for a global healthcare IT company.

And I was actually in 2016, I was even on a special project that was really high visibility to the business, Kevin.

And so it required even more of me than than the previous 10 years that I had spent in my career.

SPEAKER_01: Gotcha, gotcha.

Understandable.

Now, no, I mean, like you say at this point, like total crisis mode.

And I mean, my goodness, when you say 60 hours a a week, I mean, in juggling a family and everything, I I would say I can imagine, but no, I can't imagine.

Um so yeah, I mean, that's so intense.

Now, but I wanted to go back to that word that you use and in I notice a lot of a lot of it in in it seems like kind of makes up your story is is crisis.

And I was just kind of curious, like, dive into me, like what was going on with you?

I mean, was it just this immense emotional and physical toll that you were just experiencing at that time?

SPEAKER_03: So I think what really happened for me is I I like to describe when you're working like that and when you're just going from one thing to the next to the next, you eventually just kind of put yourself on autopilot.

And I remember like I try and piece together all of the parts of that moment for me, and and even that that year of 2016.

But I always tell people it's kind of a fuzzy mosaic, like that's hard for me to piece together.

But here's here's what I know.

I know that I was on autopilot.

I know that it was kind of like I had put myself in cruise control and just decided to take a nap.

Like I was just barely living.

I don't think I was present in the majority of things that I did at that point in my life.

SPEAKER_01: Yep.

Understandable.

Understandable.

It's just you kind of go through the motions.

SPEAKER_03: Yes, you definitely.

I mean, it's it's like when you're, you know, when you're driving to work and you get this path, like you know the path you're always on, and it's so familiar, and you just go into that mode.

That's kind of what my life was like.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.

And that's what when I said, like, kind of similar to like I refer to like going through the motions, is it's kind of like how people deal with even like when encounter like tragedy in their life, and you feel like there's this, you're just like robotic, you know, and you don't really know anything, you don't really have a feeling of good or bad, you just do what you have to do to kind of survive.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and it's almost, Kevin, to your point, you almost numb all of your emotions because you don't have time to feel them.

And I think that was another thing that really got me into trouble is because I was on autopilot, I didn't ever completely show up.

So my life was like living in just shades of like monotone gray, right?

There was no contrast because there was no joy, there was no sadness, there was no pain.

Like it was just survival.

Like I didn't have time for my feelings.

Maybe that's how I felt at the time.

I just didn't have time for them.

I just had to do the next thing.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I get it.

I totally, totally understand.

Now, so now obviously we have you on the podcast, you know, because something did happen.

Something did change in in that route.

And I would love to know before we even get into exactly, you know, what what you you did differently, but what was it in your life that that happened, either in you or around you, that spurred you to realize that the path you were going on was not the path you wanted to be on.

SPEAKER_03: So this is the part of my story where I always have to call on my courage because it is no matter how many times I've told this story, it's still difficult for me to say it out loud.

So I remember the moment very clearly.

And I was sitting in a translucent glass office with my manager, and she said to me, I know that you have been having an affair with one of your coworkers.

And it was true.

And I remember in that moment, like in all of the moments leading up to that, where I just had not been present for so long, I remember saying to myself, Kevin, like, this is not who I want to be.

Like, this person is not who I want to show up as.

And, you know, some of us have those moments in a little bit more of a gentle way.

And I like to believe the universe tried to call me back many times, but for whatever reason, that was the bottom that I personally needed to say we gotta do something different.

Because if we stay on this path, like I don't know what's gonna happen, but it's not gonna be good.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, absolutely.

So now so right now you're you're juggling this this massive workload, you're juggling family and all this now, and at the same time, you know, you brought up that you were were having an affair also.

Yes.

And so, and so now basically your employer has has called you out on it.

And so, I mean, what what happened after that, after that meeting that day?

SPEAKER_03: So I remember going back to my desk.

My manager told me I could go home early.

And I remember going back to my desk and finishing up my emails and leaving.

It's funny, Kevin, because between that moment and my decision to leave, there's still some fuzziness, but I do remember the exact moment where I decided to make a change.

And I was with my husband, and we had decided that we I needed to pursue a different story.

I needed to leave my corporate job, I needed to find something else.

And I remember one night, it was a couple months after that translucent glass moment, he said to me, Well, what do you want to do with your life?

I remember at the time having feeling kind of annoyed with him because I'm an adult and we don't ask questions like that.

You know, it's I needed strategies, I needed somebody to give me some tools on how I was gonna better manage my time and be present.

And like that question to me felt it felt frivolous.

Like we we had responsibilities, we had children, we had a house.

Like, I can't just go back to high school and ask myself the question, what do you want to do with your life?

But after we kind of got into it that night and had that argument, I woke up the next morning and the morning is just a time of significant clarity for me.

It always has been.

And I allowed myself to imagine what it would be like if I allowed myself to think about what I actually want.

And I love hospitality, I love serving people, I love event planning, I love yeah.

I and I I thought, well, what if I opened an inn?

And that was that was the first time I really, I think allowed myself to imagine in my late 30s.

SPEAKER_01: Wow, wow, that's yeah, you know, it you hit on so many things that to me are so powerful and so so true for for all of us.

And like that what you said of just letting yourself actually stop and and have that almost childlike dreams and thoughts of not what I have to do, need to do, but what do I want to do, what I dream about.

And you know, and and I'm sitting here thinking like how many times all of us in our life we need to stop and kind of check ourselves and be like, is what I'm doing really making me happy?

And I just I think that's really I think that's really awesome that you had the opportunity to do that.

And that's amazing.

Now, now if you don't mind me asking, because I almost feel like people listening are gonna be like, uh failure, Mr.

Interviewer.

Um, I'm just wondering, I mean, from the time that that this this conversation happened, from the time that you decided, you know, oh my goodness, you know, I I've got to make a change and all that.

What was going on with with your personal life, with your marriage?

I mean, I can imagine that had to be a big, a big road that you had to go down with with your husband.

SPEAKER_03: Definitely.

And, you know, one of the reasons that I decided to write a book about it four years later is because almost five years now, is because it was a very significant journey for us to get to a place of healing in our marriage.

And it took years.

I mean, we're still we're we're still working through it, right?

It's it's always something that happened, but we had to go through a significant amount of therapy.

And we started going to therapy individually, and then we started going together.

And we had to talk through the truth of our stories and you know what we were experiencing during that time, and and what our children experienced during that time.

And it was one of the most beautifully hard things that I've ever done in my life.

But I would say, and my husband, my husband and I talk about this a lot, Kevin, because I didn't want it to happen that way.

That's not I don't feel like that was like the divine first plan, right?

But it was the path that I chose, and I wouldn't take it back now, knowing what we've learned and how we've grown together.

So it's it's not saying I would ever do it again or I wanted it to happen that way.

But on the other side of it, I'm grateful for that journey that we took together in healing because we figured so much out together.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.

I mean, I don't think none of us, none of us want bad things to happen in our lives.

None of us want to go through tragedy or have fights or arguments or or to make bad decisions.

But if if you believe, if if you realize that every single thing, every action we make, whether it's the right decision, the wrong decision, it's all part of this overall plan, this this whole you know journey that we are all on.

And and I just look at that and and uh you know, you sit back and realize, but there was a reason for it.

And maybe at this point it was to help build your relationship even stronger.

I don't know.

I think I think first and foremost, I have to say that I think it's it's really really remarkable, really awesome.

Shows a lot of both of you trusting in each other to to recover from that.

And so I just I think that speaks very highly of of both of you.

So, and and speaks very highly of of your marriage and love for one another.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and it's you know, we also have both agreed, obviously, to share this story out loud.

But I think we've talked about it a lot, and and the reason that we want to is because we we know we're not the only people out there who have gone through something like this.

And what I really hope that that we can give others by sharing this story is the ability to say, oh, me too.

And I need healing and I need to work through this.

So I think that also was another iteration in our in our relationship to be able to say, okay, are we okay putting this in the public domain, right?

Because it's like it's out there.

But I think we both feel very called to it's meant to give people something that they need.

And and we both feel really good about that, which is very freeing.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, absolutely.

I I totally understand exactly what you mean.

And it it's one of the things when you can come to that point in your journey, in your life, to realize that I always say in my in my own life, in my own journey, if if what I can share can benefit someone else, then just maybe it makes all the pain that I've gone through worth it.

SPEAKER_03: Definitely.

And you have gone through some pretty, you know, difficult things yourself as well.

And I imagine by sharing your story, you provide healing to other people as well.

And it's it's kind of cool when you're called to that.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And what and I don't know what what I keep just sitting here thinking is there's so many of these, there's these parallels of two situations complete opposite ends of the spectrum, yet there's these these parallels that just keep coming across in both of these stories of yours and just me sitting there thinking about my own life.

And and I'm sure those listening can relate to them as well.

So I just think it's really awesome.

Now, so now the next part though, about going back to what you had said earlier, that I'm just super excited, I guess it would be the word to to dive into is this decision that, okay, I'm gonna leave this corporate corporate job and open an in.

Where in the world did that come from?

I'm like, oh my goodness, if like all this drama with your marriage isn't enough and changing careers, but we're not just talking about changing careers, we're talking about leaving this big corporate job to open an end.

So I'm just like, where, where, what is she doing?

SPEAKER_03: You know, Kevin, I think that's how most people felt.

And and at the time, you know, at the time I was in desperate search of a new story.

And I talk about this a lot in the book, too.

But I think oftentimes when we're going through something difficult, we go in search of a new story, or we go in search of a new city, we go in search of a different spouse, we go in search of a new best friend, because the one that we have is difficult.

And we run to this thing when we're in crisis sometimes, expecting it to save us.

And in the beginning, it sort of does, right?

Because when we're in a new relationship or we're in a new city, or we're in a new coffee shop, or we have a new best friend, it's it's romantic in the beginning, you know, it's euphoric because it's new and you're figuring something out and it temporarily tricks you into thinking that, you know, you're good.

Like you didn't actually need to change anything.

You just needed a new city or you just needed a new job or whatever it is.

But in reality, if you don't do the internal work that you need to do, you're still going to have the same result in just a prettier story.

And so for me, that was that was my original, my original challenge.

I chose the inn because I needed something to save me because I didn't know how to save myself.

And I realized about a year in owning the inn that I had kind of created my own mini corporate job.

I was doing everything, I was doing all the things.

I was baking and I was cleaning and I was doing the financials and didn't hire any staff.

And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I'm doing it again.

I have to figure out what it is that that I have bought into, or the way in which I've wired myself, or the beliefs I've bought into to make the change.

SPEAKER_01: What a terrifying realization that that what we because I I just I'm sitting here thinking just so much of what you're saying is just so much of a thing of of my own life, of of things that I think about of of wanting to move somewhere new, of starting over somewhere different.

But then you do it and and and then you start to think, but maybe just all those same problems that plagued me at that other place are now right back here.

And and like you just even saying like this whole thing about leaving corporate to to almost create it for yourself again.

And oh my gosh, such powerful moments that you're having that you're you're talking about.

That's just so crazy.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it is, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so ironic.

So now, so how long has the inn been open?

SPEAKER_03: So we purchased the inn in October of 2016, and then we opened in November of 2016, which also was crazy, and I do not recommend.

SPEAKER_01: Okay, so literally you you bought and then opened inside of like a month?

SPEAKER_03: Yes.

SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03: Well, you know, I had someone reach out to me and it was an overly trusting bride, Kevin, and she wanted to use the space to have she wanted to spend the night on her wedding night.

And I made the commitment to her that I would get it open, and she had never even seen it.

I mean, she saw the outside of it, but she hadn't actually seen the inside at all.

And we made it happen, but it was it was a lot of late, late nights.

And again, hindsight is always 2020.

Do not recommend opening a business in less than a month that requires, you know, furniture and fixtures and hotel amenities.

Anyway, yes.

SPEAKER_01: So now so now so now tell tell me about this in about what it was and what it is today.

Because I'm interested.

Is it is it a bed and breakfast type in?

Is it is it like old fashioned?

Like, you know, I'm I'm I'm just real curious to find out more about this and what you had to do to it to get it prepared in a month for your first guest.

SPEAKER_03: Well, I do know that it was crazy getting it prepared.

But the good news was that when we purchased the property, it was in pretty good condition.

So the previous owners had done a lot of work on it.

It's this beautiful house that was built in 1889 and it's a historic home.

It's it's stunning.

And today it operates as I like to call it a boutique guest house.

So it's very much like a vacation rental and a boutique hotel had a baby.

That's the way that I like to describe it.

But I feel like that's like the concept that people understand.

And then, you know, we cater to whole house rentals.

So we have for up to 10 people, people come and spend the night.

Or we also cater to wedding parties as well.

So we actually have a bridal suite on site that wedding parties can use.

And then small events are something else that we do that's really popular as well.

So we do baby showers and wedding showers.

But I will tell you, one of the things that I changed midway in my business model is I used to make breakfast every morning.

And you know, Kevin, when you are the one making breakfast all of the time, it was a contributing factor to all of my stress.

And so there's tweaks that I've made in my business model over time to help me find balance and also, you know, finding staff to really help me manage that business.

So it originally opened as a bed and breakfast.

We did not live on property, but now it is more like a boutique vacation rental.

SPEAKER_01: Very nice.

Well, it sounds very, very wonderful.

Now, if you don't mind sharing, where is it located?

Like what city?

SPEAKER_03: Oh, absolutely.

So it is located in Lee Summit, Missouri.

And Lee Summit, Missouri, most people don't know where that is, understandably.

So it is actually a suburb of Kansas City, Missouri.

So most people know where Kansas City is.

It's about 15 minutes from Casey Mo.

SPEAKER_01: Okay.

Awesome.

Awesome, awesome.

Wow.

Well, it it absolutely sounds amazing.

So my goodness.

Well, in case there's anybody listening who is is thinking it sounds amazing in there in the area, we'll be sure to uh leave the information for the in in the show notes.

SPEAKER_03: So well, thank you.

I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01: Of course, of course.

Now, so oh my goodness.

So you have such the most like interesting stories.

So so we we've got this in happening that's going.

Now, through do you feel as though the process of opening the inn and then running the inn, operating it, do you feel as though that has been something that has helped you, like your relationship with you and your husband, as well as you being a mom?

Because I mean, I just sit there and I think, oh my goodness, for somebody who was like working like crazy in corporate, and then everybody thinks, oh, well, I will just go the route of being, you know, like my own boss.

You then realize normally that you end up working more hours than you ever worked before.

And so I'm just kind of curious how that has uh worked itself out for you.

SPEAKER_03: That is a really good question.

And I will tell you that the first year, I think that is how I ended up getting burnt out, is because you know, I left my corporate job, opened an inn, which is a pretty around the clock experience, especially when, you know, you're only a staff person of one in the beginning.

SPEAKER_01: Yep.

SPEAKER_03: And what I quickly realized, it was again that moment where I was like, okay, I've worked myself into this corporate grind that I was trying to escape.

And so what do I do?

What do I do to fix that, right?

What do I what do I do?

And you know, especially when you're a startup, you just don't have a lot of a lot of money, at least we didn't.

I mean, I didn't open an inn to make a ridiculous amount of money.

If you want to open an inn and make a ridiculous amount of money, you're probably in the wrong business, but that's okay.

Just keep on trekking forward.

You'll figure it out pretty quickly that it's not a big moneymaker.

Now, that being said, I struggled with hiring staff because Kevin, I felt like I was financially irresponsible because we were really struggling that first year.

And I made the decision and finally said, like, if I'm gonna start showing up for my family, I'm going to have to figure out how to bring some people in to trust them and have them support the business.

And and that was a major step for me in being able to get balance.

SPEAKER_01: And there's so many things that come along with deciding to hire people to help because uh, you know, in the one, you know, one hand it it sounds amazing, it's gonna take things off off your off your workload, but at the same time, it's also having that trust factor that here, this thing that you've you've you've built, you've created, now you're you're entrusting it to somebody else.

SPEAKER_03: Yes.

And that was hard, that was very hard too.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

Now, now moving on from you opening the inn, it kind of encompasses all of it, is something that I think is really pretty awesome.

And that being your core belief that your life really begins once you decide to write your life.

I I don't think I said it quite as well as you say it.

SPEAKER_03: Kevin, I think you said it really well.

It's I mean, it's life begins the minute you agree to write your own story.

SPEAKER_01: And so, okay, see, you say it so beautifully.

SPEAKER_03: Well, I you know, Kevin, I say it a lot.

SPEAKER_01: So that's that's a good thing because I want to know so where does that come from?

What what what I mean that that's a pretty powerful statement.

And so I would love to know where where did that statement come from?

SPEAKER_03: So, Kevin, most of my life, and I, you know, there was a lot of therapy I had to go through to uncover this, but most of my life, I didn't trust myself.

I didn't listen to my deep inner voice.

I thought that she was bad.

I thought that my own wants, wishes, and desires were not something that I could ever have.

And so I kind of locked that person away because I didn't trust her.

And in reality, what really was freeing for me is when I started to ask myself some really important life questions, like, what do you like to do?

What matters to you?

What do you value?

And I know a lot of these fundamental life questions most people ask way before they're 34, but I also think that there are people who still haven't asked themselves these questions.

I think many of us have lived lives that are a collection of what everyone else wants for us versus what we want for our lives.

And it's hard to break out of that because I do think that once you have gone so far down a path, like it's hard to circle back and make a different decision.

But I do think that many of us keep ourselves locked away and we live our lives for other people or external forces that that don't bring us real joy, and then we wonder why we're not happy.

Well, it's because we're not actually asking ourselves what we want and what we wish for.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and I think I think to that, I think honestly, I think for so many is to to truly sit down and ask ourselves these questions, is to admit to ourselves that we're not where we want to be.

And that to admit that this road we've been going on, that this career we've been in, that it's actually not really what truly makes us happy.

It's what we thought we were supposed to do instead of what we really want to do.

And so sometimes I think we we either purposely don't let ourselves think about these questions, you know, to to avoid that pain, to avoid having to to make hard decisions.

SPEAKER_03: Definitely, and I do think, like you said, that reflection it's uncomfortable, especially if we feel like we're so far down a certain path, that was a series of decisions that weren't really ours, but maybe were someone else's or someone else's influence in our lives, and and unraveling those decisions takes courage and it's it's hard and it's not comfortable, but it is the key to freedom, but we just aren't aware of it in our current state.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.

Now, but now at some point though, you were able to take all of this and you were able to put it into words, and you were able to create a book, write a book.

I mean, I've wanted to write a book for the past uh 16 years, and I've still not done it.

I've started it, I have multiple file folders on my desktop of different book types and stuff, and I've never done it.

And so I'm curious, how did you do it?

SPEAKER_03: So, Kevin, you have an amazing story.

So I'm gonna encourage you that it sounds like it's been a passion for you for the last 16 years, and if it's still a passion, then it's meant to be out there, right?

So for me, I I struggled with that too.

I've always known I've wanted to write a book.

Since I was a little girl, I remember my daddy saying to me, like, you need to write a book one day.

Like you just have a way with words.

Like it is your it's your gift.

Like you have a gift of story.

And I've known that for a very, for a very long time.

For me, what I had to do was I had to start a writing practice.

And I know that that is not new advice.

I am not the first author to tell people to start a writing practice.

But I will tell you, I did not write a book quickly.

It took me two years to write Broken, Changed, and Rearranged, which is the book that's being released by Morgan James here in December.

But it really started with me just promising myself that for an hour every day that I would show up and I would write.

And sometimes I didn't even write about my book topic.

Sometimes I wrote about something else.

Some days I would show up and the writing would be terrible and awful.

And I would put it in my, you know, all the writing that I have tucked away.

That's maybe one day I'll use it.

Who knows?

But I do think for me, anyway, the writing practice was really critical.

And it didn't feel quite as overwhelming when I just broke it up into small manageable parts versus writing a book feels scary.

Saying, can I commit to one hour today to write that feels less scary?

So that's what I did.

SPEAKER_01: That's that's so awesome.

Now, that's one thing that I've learned though, that anybody who has written a book, they always make it sound so easy.

SPEAKER_03: It's naughty.

I mean, I'm not saying it hasn't been easy for other authors.

Like, I will never take away somebody else's experience because we all have our own experiences.

Writing a book for me was not easy though.

Like it was, and even the editing, oh my gosh, Kevin, editing was so brutal.

I thought I was a good writer until like a copy editor got a hold of my stuff.

And I was like, oh, is that sentence?

I think that sentence is still mine, but so yes.

It's a process.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, I can only imagine.

Well, I have to applaud you for for doing it.

Oh my gosh.

I just think it think it's so awesome.

Now, would you mind so what is the the overall premise of of the book?

SPEAKER_03: Okay, so one thing before I answer that question, Kevin.

SPEAKER_01: Okay.

SPEAKER_03: I would like to get a copy of your book when you are done writing it.

And I think you could do it within the next couple of years.

And I'm going to promise you need to reach out to me when it's done, and I am going to order a copy.

So we're making a commitment together right now.

SPEAKER_01: You you, you, along with a uh good, I would say handful, but I'm gonna say uh it's gonna be it's probably gonna be like a wheelbarrow load, are going to get first edition signed copies.

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03: Okay, done and done.

SPEAKER_01: Because there are a lot of people who have been telling me, Kevin, you need to write a book.

You I don't understand why you haven't written a book yet.

And I'm like, you know what?

Why haven't you written a book?

Because it's a daunting task.

That's why.

But but yes, you you are a in all sincerity, a true inspiration to me to write a book.

And and I guess more so I think, I think sometimes even for for anybody listening, you probably relate when it's everybody, you gotta write a book.

You gotta write a book.

Well, I think for so many of ourselves, is stop thinking of it as I've got to write a book, and I've got to put my story into words.

SPEAKER_03: Yes, I love that.

And and I also think it was helpful.

Sometimes I'd even just say, like, I just need to write a blog every day.

I have to write a blog, you know, because it's writing for one hour a day, like it was like a blog.

And and that felt more manageable to me than I'm gonna write a book.

It's no, I'm gonna write a thousand words today.

Maybe it's 400, maybe it's 500 on any given day, but that felt a lot more manageable than writing a book.

I still can't believe that I wrote a full book.

Like I was a little bit afraid when I sent it off to my publisher.

I was like, gosh, I hope it's enough words.

Like Kevin, I still have nightmares.

Okay, super quick.

I have to tell you this.

I have nightmares that the author copies come and that basically they had to put a bunch of pictures all throughout the book because it's actually too short.

And that really it's like this tiny little book, but they had to put all these like fake fill-in pictures.

I keep having that dream.

What does that say about me?

SPEAKER_01: You know what?

I you know what, I hear picture books are very big things.

SPEAKER_03: So don't don't don't worry about well, you know what?

That is, Kevin, I'm really glad to hear that because if my if that's what they send me back, I guess we're just gonna have to roll with it.

SPEAKER_01: It could be it could be the newest coffee table book sensation.

It could.

I I have a feeling that's not the case, but but um, but you know what?

SPEAKER_03: Bam, they tell me it's 220 pages, and I think they may know a little bit more about the layout of books than I do.

I just feel like maybe they're punking me, and I don't know.

We'll see.

SPEAKER_01: You're going, did I did I remember to tell them that I didn't want super large font?

unknown: Like, you know.

SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes, that's exactly how I feel.

SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness, you are so funny.

You're so funny.

The the the amazing stories that we can tell ourselves of of self-doubt are just unreal.

And our dreams are certainly no exception to that.

So, oh my goodness, but I I can tell that we're definitely uh definitely downplaying your exceptional book that I know is is uh got to be amazing.

SPEAKER_03: So well, it's funny because as we're having this conversation, my publisher just sent me the full layout for me to review.

And the good news is, Kevin, I'm gonna tell you, it really is 220 pages, so we are good to go.

But you asked me what it's about, and Broken Changed and Rearrange is it's very much a memoir with self-development flair.

So it's my story, but wrapped into every single chapter.

There's a section called from me to you.

And I like to call that section the time when we just sit down and have coffee together or we have a conversation like we are now.

And I tell you the things that I wish I had known when I was going through crisis, and the things that I wish I had known that if I had my best friend, I'd want them to sit down and say to me.

So the book is very much about my journey of brokenness that I just shared with you, and you know, the work that I did to get out of that phase of crisis and being able to come out on the other end of it totally rearranged.

SPEAKER_01: That's that's so awesome.

That's so, so amazing.

Now, I know there's at one point in the book, I know that you talk about crisis proof friendships.

And this intrigued me because I know in my own.

Story, my own life story, when tragedy struck that my big group of friends that I had in in high school was narrowed down rather quickly to just that that little small handful.

And so I don't know exactly the uh the whole uh meaning but behind when you say crisis-proof friendships, but I just would love to know more about that because it, like I said, it just kind of it kind of reminded me of of my situation.

SPEAKER_03: Definitely.

So, and you probably experienced this yourself, but when I went through crisis, there were a lot of people who exited my life.

And, you know, they really enjoyed my company during my corporate glory days, right?

They loved the big parties, they loved the big house, they loved the social gatherings.

And when crisis hit, some of those people exited my life.

And at the time it felt really personal, Kevin.

Like I remember feeling really, really hurt by just the mass exodus of people who I thought were my friends.

But I learned, you know, we just we hadn't built enough relationship capital for someone to weather that crisis with me.

However, there were a small handful of mighty people in my life who showed up for me when I didn't even know how to show up for myself.

And, you know, I describe them as my crisis-proof friends because I I don't even know if at the time, Kevin, they knew how to help me, but all I know is that they tried so hard to be there for me in so many ways.

You know, they'd show up with coffee, they'd show up coming to help paint the baseboards at the inn as I frantically tried to get it together last minute.

They sat with me inside my pain and they listened to me and they they loved me through a very difficult time when I didn't really even know how to love myself during that time period.

And I will never, those people will always be my people.

They are very, very special to me, and that crisis helped solidify for me who the people were who were like the truest loves of my life, right?

Because they were willing to weather hard things.

SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.

And to be honest, I think if you're if you're listening to this podcast today and you want just a really short takeaway on how to be a friend, a true friend, it's what you said.

It's stop worrying about saying the right thing, stop worrying and stressing over if if you're gonna do the right thing, or or you know, when when your friend is going through something hard, it's simply to be there and be their friend.

SPEAKER_03: Yes.

And I think sometimes we're afraid that we're gonna say the wrong thing, right?

We're we're fearful.

You know, I've had I've had good friends go through very difficult things.

And I I feel like what I've learned in crisis is when you have a friend going through a hard thing, like you said, Kevin, just just show up for them and and just be there for them.

Be their friend, like you said, even when you don't know what to say.

Go to lunch with them, bring them coffee if they don't feel like getting out of the house.

So it's not as complicated, I think, as we make it out to be in our head, the support that someone needs during a difficult time, but just being there, like you said, is what so many of us need.

SPEAKER_01: It is, absolutely.

And honestly, I think the worst possible thing you can do as a friend, as a person, is to be so worried that you're gonna say the wrong thing that you just say nothing at all.

SPEAKER_03: Yes.

You are so right, Kevin.

And I I've had people.

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01: I was just gonna, I was just gonna, you know, say because I know my my situation of you know becoming blind, those people who are so scared that they they end up choosing to to not say anything, well, I'm blind.

And so like you want to talk about the ultimate and and bad choice to make because now you know I've often said that you know being blind, it can be very it can be very alone.

You you are reliant upon people not being worried about saying the wrong thing.

And you know, and so when they choose not to say anything and they choose instead just to walk past you, you you you know totally alienate that person.

And and I think that's so true for for anybody, like in your exact situation, you know, any type of crisis, anything, the person who chooses not to talk to you, that's like like I said, the worst thing you could possibly do.

SPEAKER_03: You're so right.

You're so right, because and you know that oftentimes when people don't say anything, you know it's because they don't they don't always know what to say.

But like you said, it's it's actually way worse because then you just feel very ignored.

And I can imagine for you, Kevin, you felt very alone.

SPEAKER_01: Yep, absolutely.

And and it's the case, and and it's and it and it's easy, and it's easy, not even just for for somebody like myself who's blind, and and I talk a lot on my podcast about my life as somebody who's blind and stuff, but for anybody, whether you're going through stuff or not, when people aren't just there for you, it's so easy to feel like you're the only one going through what you are.

And the truth is it doesn't have to be like that.

You just need people to say, Hey, how are you doing today?

You know, and it just yeah, it just it means so much, and and yeah, it's just friends, friends are are something that it's just you know, in the world of social media, you the the word friend it gets tossed around very lightly, but when things happen, you you really realize what that word really means.

SPEAKER_03: Yes, you do, you definitely do.

SPEAKER_01: Now, another thing in your book that I would love for you to to touch on is something that I see that you talk about is I'm not sure, I can't remember exactly how you word it, but basically planning your funeral, making funeral plans?

What what is that?

What what are you talking about?

So Because I don't, I mean, I'm like, we're trying to say super positive, and now and now all of a sudden we're talking about funeral plans.

SPEAKER_03: And I promise you, this is a positive topic, even though it does not sound like one.

I promise.

Okay.

So, you know, midway into owning the inn, my grandfather passed away.

And Kevin, it's like one of those funerals that is the one of the best funerals that you get to go to.

And the reason I say that is because he was in his 90s.

His wife of over 60 years passed away the year before.

And it was just his time.

And we were the church was just packed that day.

And it was rainy, and it was, it just it wasn't a good day.

You know, if you were gonna skip doing something, it was on that day.

But we're sitting in this gigantic Catholic church that's like just completely full of people.

And as I'm attending this funeral, all of these people come up to me and just start telling me stories about my grandfather.

And one of the things, the unifying themes that I that I heard in his eulogy, and also, you know, just in the stories that I collected during that funeral, were my grandfather always made people feel like they were the most important person in the room when you were with him.

And he was present, he gave people his attention.

And I I thought after leaving that funeral, I was like, God, what a beautiful thing.

Like to give people our attention like that, where they feel like when you're having a conversation, that that person's just present with you.

And I started to think about what I wanted people to say about me at my funeral, Kevin.

And I know that sounds morbid.

It really does.

And I wouldn't be the first self-development author to think about, you know, what do you want people to say about you at your funeral?

But here's here's the mistake I think we make.

I think when we plan like our funeral and what we want people to say, it's always this like far off distant thing.

So for me, it's like, okay, well, I don't, I don't have to do these things yet because I have a solid like 50 more years or whatever to live, right?

When I create goals for my funeral, I actually pretend that I'm gonna die in five years, which again, I promise you this is positive.

Okay.

So let me tell you why it is.

Because 50 years from now is not tangible for me.

Furthermore, like I think one of the biggest mistakes that we make as humans is that we think we have time, right?

No one knows the hour or the moment or what's gonna happen in our lives.

So if we don't do the things that we really think matter within the next five years, or we plan them out, I don't know.

It just helps me be more of who I want to show up as when I think about what do I want people to say about me at my funeral, and let's pretend that my funeral is five years away.

And then I'm gonna align my life priorities to that five-year trajectory.

And so that's what I do.

I create funeral goals and I align my priorities to those things.

Cause I don't know.

I don't know when my time is.

SPEAKER_01: So, so let me ask you.

So, five years from from today, what are people gonna say about Liesel?

SPEAKER_03: So the biggest thing for me is that my children say my mom was always present for me when I was struggling, when I was having a hard time, she was there for me, like cheering me on uh the soccer game that mattered to me, or the debate tournament, or whatever it was.

She was present and she showed up for me.

And what I want people to say about me that are my friends.

I want my friends to say about me, the crisis proof friends that really matter.

Liesel was willing to drop everything for me.

If something came up and I needed her, she was there for me.

Now, again, Kevin, this is the different transition for me, right?

That used to be everybody in my life.

I have to drop all the things for everybody, but I don't do that anymore.

I just do that for my crisis proof friends who were there for me.

I also want my friends to say that I inspired them to show up as their whole selves and that I encourage them to live more authentically and to lean in to who they are as people.

When I think about what I want my husband to say about me, I want my husband to say about me that I did my absolute best to push and pull back and forth and to figure out how to live life as the best team ever.

And that doesn't mean that there weren't hard times and that there weren't good times.

But what it means is that we were always willing to figure out life together, that we did life together beautifully, and that we made decisions as a team.

So the last subset of people, I hope the people that read my book or get to interact with me, I hope that I make them feel loved and I hope that I made them feel seen.

And I hope that they got a little bit of healing from reading my story, and that it inspired them to be a little bit more of who they are meant to become.

So that's what I want people to say about my funeral in five years, but we'll see.

I don't know, but that's what I'm working towards.

SPEAKER_01: Well, well, well, that's okay.

So so at the beginning, we learned who you were, where you were in your life five years ago.

And we've just discovered what you want people to say about you five years from today.

So, how would you describe yourself right now?

Where are you at in your life, your your mindset, your how how does life look today?

SPEAKER_03: So, for me, right now, in this moment, how I show up in everything that I do is I am authentic to my core.

And I I want to inspire other people to be able to show up that way too.

And I I do believe that that is how I show up right now, and I do that in everything I do.

Like I parent that way, I love my husband that way, I love my friends that way.

And so I guess if there's like this unifying theme of my life right now, it is not only have I transformed, not only have I changed, and not only have have I become totally, you know, rearranged in who I am as a person, but my goal now is to show other people how they can do that too.

And so I think that's the journey I'm on.

I'm feeling like I'm I keep seeing butterflies spiritually.

I don't know what it is, Kevin, but I keep seeing butterflies recently.

And I think, I think that the universe is trying to tell me like you're a butterfly right now.

And people are gonna look at you and they're gonna think, how beautiful you are.

But my goal and what I have to do is to share with them that beautiful things are never easy.

And I think that's my journey right now.

I think I'm I think I'm a butterfly.

Look, I gave you, I'm such an author, right?

Because I just gave you like this picture.

It had to be all fancy.

You asked me this simple question.

I'm like, Kevin, I'm a butterfly.

Like, that's just me.

That's how you know you're talking to Liesel Hayes.

SPEAKER_01: I was like, my goodness, my podcast guest.

We just blossomed into this beautiful, beautiful yellow butterfly that's I can see right now the sunlight is just pinging off of your off of your beautiful wings as you're soaring through the crystal blue sky.

And I'm like, oh my goodness, we have just just created this amazing being.

And all of us are like, oh my gosh, I just want to be like Lisa Hayes one day.

Wow.

Transformation at its best, right here on the podcast.

SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.

I love it.

SPEAKER_01: Well, my goodness.

Well, I think the last thing I would like to ask you before we end this amazing conversation we've had today is anybody who is going through some stuff, going through their own crisis.

Do you have any advice for them?

SPEAKER_03: I do.

So I try and keep this succinct because I will tell you, I can start to ramble on this one.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna start with the first thing.

And the first one is accept that living your best life in crisis is gonna look really different than living your life before crisis.

You have to lower your expectations around productivity, accomplishments, all those things, right?

You can go on social media and see how everybody's living their best life right now and going on amazing trips and doing big things.

And in crisis, that's not that's not what's meant for you.

And that is okay.

In crisis, sometimes it is enough just to do the next right thing.

And for me, in crisis, it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, right?

It was hard for me just to like put together a series of steps that all of us adults usually do on a day-to-day basis.

It was hard to get out of bed, it was hard to shower, it was hard to get dressed, it was hard to get my kids off to school because I was living in so much pain that like I the pain, it felt like it became me.

And so what I had to do to get out of crisis was I'd get out of bed and I would say, What is the next thing that I should do?

What would like a grown-up adult, high functioning human do?

And I would say, okay, I'm just gonna like get out of bed.

That's my first step.

Then after I got out of bed and my feet would hit like the crappy builder's grade carpet that's in our bedroom, I would say, What's the next thing I need to do?

And I'd say, okay, I need a shower.

And for me, getting out of crisis, when you're in that much pain, sometimes it's just putting together a series of actions step by step that that leads you to just getting through the day.

And then at the end of the day, when you get through the day, it's like a celebration.

And so celebrate that.

Like it's okay that that is you living your best life.

And then the second thing I would say is there will be a time where you will need to encounter your pain.

And I think for me, I had numbed my pain for so long that I didn't, I didn't want to feel it.

I was afraid of it.

And I'm not saying to set up camp and pack your bag and camp out in your pain.

But what I'm saying is you have to experience the emotions that you are feeling in crisis.

And they are always not the most fun to encounter.

But it is important that you sit with your pain and that you understand it and you're able to say, okay, I'm hurting.

I feel like my life is over.

I don't know how I'm gonna move forward from this.

And you have to sit with that and allow yourself to feel it so then it can eventually pass.

Because if you don't sit with it, you're going to have to deal with it in a different place in your life.

And then you're gonna have no idea where it came from.

So my advice to people in crisis is always just put a series of steps together to figure out how to get through your day.

Celebrate yourself when you get through a day.

And then the second piece is allow yourself to feel your pain.

Do not camp out there, but allow yourself to feel it and eventually it will pass.

And those are like my top two tips of getting through crisis or or what helped me get through crisis.

SPEAKER_01: Awesome.

And I feel like I'm gonna add one more step to that.

Please.

Is you've got to buy your book.

SPEAKER_03: Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Yes, that that was that was that was a shameless plug for you to say, yes, absolutely.

That was the step I was making.

SPEAKER_03: Right.

So here's the thing.

I would love to work through with you going through crisis.

And I would love to be maybe you don't have crisis-proof friends, or maybe you've burned bridges recently, whatever it is.

Okay.

I would love to have a glass of red wine with you and tell you my story in my book, Broken, Changed, and Rearranged.

And I would love for us to begin the process of helping you put your life back together after going through something hard.

Is that better, Kevin?

SPEAKER_01: That is perfect.

That's the way I like to end a podcast.

So, yes.

Absolutely.

Liesel, thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

I I would just like to tell you that you have been an absolute pleasure to get to talk to.

And I'm just, I'm so excited for people to get to hear your story.

And um, I just think you have so much to offer, and I think uh think you're just really amazing.

SPEAKER_03: Kevin, I really appreciate you having me.

It was so great to chat with you.

SPEAKER_01: Awesome.

Whether or not you find yourself in some sort of crisis, I hope that if that day does come, that you remember the story of Liesel Hayes and the fact that you know what?

You don't have to stay there.

That you can keep going, you can do that one next step.

What is the right next step to get you out of that dark place?

Because you don't need to stay there.

Keep going, and you know what?

Maybe it's time for you to start thinking that it's time for you to rewrite your life.

Thanks for joining me on another episode of The Lowdown with Kevin Lowe.

SPEAKER_00: And that's the Lowdown with Kevin Lowe.

Don't forget to check out the show notes for all of today's mentioned links.