Caregiver Burnout and Grief: A Brother's Suicide, 6 Years Caring for Mom, and an Angel's Warning

By his early thirties, Colin had already lost siblings, parent, grandparent.

And just when life had asked everything of him emotionally, it would ask even more physically.

What started out as just an injury would lead to complications, to surgery, to countless doctors' visits, all leading up to that moment when he heard the words that no one would want to hear.

Amputation.

You'll never walk again.

Your life is going to be forever changed.

Now that may sound like words that would mean a story was going to end, but in fact, it was just words that a new chapter was about to begin.

My friend, this conversation it's not just about loss.

Instead, it's about what loss can reveal within us all.

It's a reminder that we're capable of more than we realize.

It's a reminder that even though you may think everything is falling apart in your life, even though it may feel like nothing is working out, my friend, sometimes all you have to do is just take one more step.

Today's conversation is one of the most incredible interviews I've ever recorded on this podcast.

It's going to pull at your heart strings.

It's going to have you tearing up.

It's going to leave you in disbelief.

It's going to leave you empowered, inspired, motivated.

My friend, this interview, I guarantee you, is going to change you.

This is episode 440 of Great Grace and Inspiration.

I'm your host, Kevin Lowe.

My friend, it is an absolute honor to have you here, and I can't wait for you to get to hear this interview, My Conversation, with our guest today, Colin.

Welcome to the podcast.

Today I have the honor of being in the studio with a guy named Colin Potts.

Colin, welcome to the podcast.

Oh, thank you so much, Kevin.

SPEAKER_03: It's it's a real, real honor to be with you this morning.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, I'm excited to have you here.

I'm excited to dive into your story.

What I would love to do is ask you, kind of in perspective of the listener, for the person who's listening today, who listens to your full story, who really kind of just really takes to heart everything you're sharing today, what do you hope that they walk away with?

SPEAKER_03: Uh, that's a great question.

My goal every day, the very first thing I say to myself is when I wake up, is I want to give one person hope today.

So I hope whoever's listening, they're inspired.

And through this uh podcast and listening and hearing my story, that they're filled with hope.

And that's just that's how I want to live my life.

And it's it's really important to me.

And and just to help people realize that you can overcome any adversity in your life, you know, belief in faith in yourself, faith in God, and a positive mindset.

And that's certainly what's gotten me through all the ups and downs of my journey and and lots of loss, but lots of blessings as well.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love it so much.

Well, well, we we will aim to deliver on that.

And so, Colin, where I guess I would love to start is is basically just going back to the beginning because one thing that I'm kind of interested to learn a little bit more about was you come from a really big family.

I believe you were one of eight.

And so I would love to hear a little bit about growing up in such a big family.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I was the youngest of eight.

So um, we were always in a group setting everywhere we went, every dinner, and it was it was a lot of fun.

And, you know, I saw so much being the youngest because, you know, we're kind of straddling the the sixties and the seventies, you know, timeframes.

So you saw a lot in people and kind of what they were going through, and all of a sudden a pushback on religion, and all of a sudden the pushback on family and those values that my parents had grown up with in that generation.

But it was always fun.

The holidays were always fun.

I was always stuck at the card table in the last spot in the living room, uh, as we lined up multiple tables throughout kind of the dining room, into the hallway and around.

But uh but I learned so much and and so much about dynamics and learned to be a really good listener at a young age.

And uh that's has served me well in my in everything I do and especially in in my career.

But it's also uh it's a great gift when you really truly listen to people and they felt heard.

And by doing so, you you kind of give them that gift of knowing that they're important and that that I love to do.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love it.

Now, besides for the siblings, did you grow up in a family?

Like, did you guys have a big family as far as you know, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, that kind of thing?

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we did.

And and and unfortunately, we lost my uh grandparents, all my grandparents, probably by the time I was 20.

So over time, you know, those kind of things were happening fast.

And and you know, that's that's part of being a big family.

So we had those experiences, but those uh experiences waned over time, unfortunately.

And those moments and those people in in my life, I I really do miss because uh they had so much to share, and they're at that age where you really want to listen.

And I was at that age where you really, really want to listen because they they have that experience that you want to take with you every day because it's special.

And those are the conversations I miss.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, without a doubt.

Truly the most invaluable life lessons you ever learned, I believe, all come from the older generations.

So that's that's amazing.

Now, for you and your siblings, what was kind of the the age range?

You were the youngest, so how old was the oldest?

SPEAKER_03: It was basically a 12-year span.

You know, it was my oldest brother, was 12 years older than myself.

So it was my parents were pretty quick to kiss child after child after child.

But definitely, you know, 60s, 70s, a little bit difference in in in that where I kind of grew up more in the 70s, but the family dynamic, the elder kids kind of stayed together, and the younger ones, Brian Dennis, the three youngest, you know, we're always together and and doing our thing.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, I love it.

I love it.

Well, well, Colin, as we're gonna learn today, there's you've had to endure a lot of loss in your life of the people who matter most, family.

And and I believe you were still just uh basically a child, maybe like high school age, when you you lost your one of your brothers.

Would you mind sharing with me a bit about that story?

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and and I think it it was it kind of just as a 70,000-foot perspective.

So by the time I was 33, I'd lost all my grandparents' parents and two siblings.

And so the brother uh I lost, the first one I lost was my senior year of high school.

And he had had uh issues, you know, kind of in and out of halfway houses, had uh done a lot of the drugs and a lot of those things, you know, just that time frame of pushing back on family and values.

You know, he was kind of the leader of that in many ways.

And he took his life.

I got a phone call from him the night before, and he said, I'll never talk to you again.

And he he always played and always had a, you know, uh the gift of the golden tongue, as my mother would say.

So you really never knew when he was serious or not.

And I just was like, Oh, yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow type thing.

And he had been struggling a lot.

And then the next morning at uh three o'clock in the morning, I my bedroom is on the front of the house, and all of a sudden there's lights outside, and uh there's a knock at the door, and it was the police, and they told me, you know, my brother Kevin had had died and he had taken his life.

He had jumped off a bridge in Washington, DC.

And it was stunning, you know, just because you just don't, that's not what you expect.

And it hit hard.

And then my parents came around the hallway, and the the sadness that came out of their the cries and everything of losing a child was something I I just will never forget.

And that's not supposed to happen like that.

And, you know, children are supposed to outlive, you know, parents.

And, you know, it was just that that whole sense of what happened.

And you kind of, I think they always lived in fear of it, but when something like that happens and you you you feel it, it's something I'll never forget.

And I remember my father, I started crying.

He's like, You're not allowed to cry, and you're just not allowed to cry right now.

I remember going to school that morning, and I didn't realize that all of this was on the local radio station.

They announce all that kind of stuff, and and then you go into school and everyone's looking at you like, oh my God, it's suicide and your family.

And that was a very taboo topic, and in many ways still is, but it's it's there's more discussion today about it, and it's a serious issue, you know, that uh people try to s uh sweep under the rug, but that doesn't make sense.

And you know, mental health is is just so important.

But it was really a tough time and in getting through that and then the funeral and and really kind of I'd never been knocked like that before, and sitting in a cemetery and and doing that, my first go at that, and going to a morgue and you know, doing all those things.

It was life-altering in many ways, but certainly a lot of sadness.

And it was in February, and it was uh never forget sitting at the cemetery, it was cold and it was hard.

And there was a lot to a lot to deal with at that point.

My father was giving up smoking cold turkey at the same time, and life at home was rough.

And then many of the friends and people I had at school, you know, just walked away and and stayed away.

So it was really a time of isolation in my life.

And I I it was it was tough, and it was supposed to be a celebratory year, and you know, you're leaving high school and going to college, and I ended up going away to school because it was just I needed to go away at that point.

So, but it taught me a really good lesson.

It's okay to start over, and it's good to start over, and you should start over, and and and kind of empowered me to to kind of turn my life and and and move in a in a more positive direction.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

Wow.

You said something that I would love to ask you if you wouldn't mind to expand a little upon.

You you said that your your dad had said something to the effect of you you're not allowed to cry right now.

What did that mean?

SPEAKER_03: I think my dad was like a very emotional guy, and and and I think for him, it was seeing me emote on that level that made him extremely sad and made him uh hurt more in a in a situation where he was really hurting, obviously.

And I think it was just controlling, trying to control his emotion, but it was something that I'll never forget that I wish he kind of hadn't said, because you know, you should emote those things and you should, you know, express those feelings and have that because uh it was very, very stoic to to get through it all.

And and I understood that in a sense, but at the same time, I I don't know, I was full of emotion, and it's hard when someone tells you not to be emotional, especially in a situation like that.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, 100%.

Did you have any of your your siblings who maybe you were the closest to who really kind of leaned on each other after the loss of your brother?

SPEAKER_03: I think everyone did.

You know, my older siblings were closer, you know, in terms of their age and kind of their experiences.

And then um, you know, I think we leaned on my two uh brothers closest in age.

And then, like I said, it was it was going away at that point and starting new.

And it was the first time that springtime meant something so new for me and and that renewal and you know, after a cold February and that happening and then kind of seeing uh life come back again was the first time I really kind of focused on that.

For me, that was it was a whole new lesson.

So I think everyone kind of helped each other.

I was very close to my mom as well.

So I think, you know, everyone was concerned, and and she was always great.

She was the strength and kind of the glow of the family.

So I leaned on her a lot because I was home and everyone else was living away from home at that point.

SPEAKER_02: Okay.

Okay.

Well, speaking of your mom, that actually segues perfect into my next question was the kind of blows keep coming.

I don't know how far down the line this would be from the loss of your brother, but you would end up caring for your mom through quite a long period of time.

Would you walk me through that kind of chapter in your story?

SPEAKER_03: Sure.

And and where that fell in was my brother had passed away like in 1985.

My father passed away in Valentine's Day in 1989, my sister had passed away in in 1991, grandparents all the way around and through that period.

And then, you know, my mom was amazing because she kept moving forward in her life after all that loss.

And, you know, that was the that was three children she lost and her husband, and just had an incredible uh outlook on life and and and positive outlook, which I learned so much from.

So, and she was she was good.

She was moving her life forward, and then she wasn't feeling well, and she went down to Georgetown Hospital and um and pretty quickly they they diagnosed her with leukemia.

And even with that, she'd had grown up with polio and scarlet fever and all those things.

So she she was a real trooper in the sense of just she had battled through a lot in her whole life.

And so I ended up taking care of her for six years.

It was an amazing experience because she taught me so much about faith and you know, two types of faith.

And she, three days before she passed, she asked me the question, how are you gonna move forward in your life?

And I've been your cause for six years, and and all of a sudden you're gonna have a void.

How are you gonna fill that void?

How are you gonna build your life back?

How are you gonna be a happy person again?

And and really taught me so much in that.

And one of the famous lines, and one of the best things that we ever talked about one day was, I went over and and she she was in a really bad mood that day, which was not like her at all.

Usually if she she was upset about something, she was very quiet.

But she said, Well, I'm losing all of my independence.

And she said, I don't like it.

You know, I I I feel like my life is is is kind of falling through my hands and I can't stop it.

And she said, So how are you gonna fix this, Mr.

Positivity?

So I laughed.

And I said, Well, I want to go back home and think about this.

And I needed some time to to kind of digest that.

So I go back the next day and she's like, Do you have an answer, Mr.

Positivity?

And I said, Wait a minute.

I said, All right, so we're still in the same bad mood.

Uh and I had to laugh.

And and she said, Well, Colin, I can't be Sister Mary's sunshine every damn day.

And uh, so I had to laugh because we grew up Catholic and Sister Mary's sunshine was one of the funniest things she ever said.

Uh so I I really enjoyed that uh that part.

But I said, I haven't had a really good idea, but I need you to dive into it with me 120%.

And you need to say yes now.

And she looked at me like uh, you know, okay, this is crazy.

Why am I saying yes to something that I haven't even heard?

And I said, You have to trust me.

And so she said, All right, I'm in.

So I said, just because things are different doesn't mean they can't be good.

I said, we're gonna focus on what you have, we're gonna focus and not worry about what you don't have.

We're gonna focus on what you can do and not worry about what you can't do.

And so she was kind of amazed by that.

And she said, Well, how does it apply to me?

And I said, you know, we're gonna make sure that what's the best time of the day for you?

She said, mornings.

I said, all appointments in the morning.

I said, What time do you want to be in bed?

Because she was going through chemo and she was exhausted and and that.

And she's like, 5, 5:30.

And I said, okay.

And I said, What are the other things that are stressing you out right now?

And she's like, Well, when people come and stay and bring their kids, you know, I got to do three meals and just people are up late and the noise.

And so I said, Okay, well, we'll just tell people they they can stay at a hotel and you know, you you can't do those things uh anymore.

So it was it was really a fascinating deal because she really bought into this.

And so as we changed her schedule, you know, she she started to pick up energy again and a different outlook.

And it was it was great because things were being taken away in in her mind, but she still had a lot of life to live, I felt.

And so by doing this, we extended her runway in terms of what she could do.

And no, and if instead of doing dinners, we would go to lunches and brunches and things like that where she she could shine.

And so by allowing her to shine again and and let her be at her best, it reinstilled her confidence.

And so for me, it was fascinating and that whole thing.

And uh, she went back to the doctor like five, six weeks later, and she's like, Did you are you on some kind of medication or something?

She said, No, I've we reorganized my life.

And she said, uh, go hang out with this guy for a little while because he's got a lot of good ideas.

So it that was just a really powerful thing.

And and I think about that, I've carried that forward in my life.

And and and if you think about that lesson, just because things are different doesn't mean they can't be good.

And because we as human beings don't like most of us don't like change.

You know, the only constant life really is change.

So embracing things and, you know, working with things that are thrown your way, you still can do a lot of great things in your life and you can get knocked down, but you can you can still pivot and have joy and happiness in your life.

SPEAKER_02: Wow.

It's it's so funny because one of the strongest kind of mindset things that I oftentimes remind myself of is exactly what you just said.

It's even though things might not be like we thought they were gonna be, even though they might not have gone to plan, it doesn't mean that they still can't be great.

And so to hear you talk about that, I just lit up as as you're sharing that story because it is so true.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it really is.

And I like I said, I've carried it forward, you know, in my life.

And and that was the second to last thing she said to me right before she passed, and barely could talk in the smile when she said it, because it really had been a huge like bonding moment for us, and and really having her trust me with all of that and basically kind of changing everything.

I don't know.

And it was it's an experience that I I cherish in my soul because that's how close we became when someone they know uh you're in it for the right reason, and you're everyone's vulnerable, right?

But that's where love goes to a whole nother level in relationships.

And it's not woe is me, it's what are we gonna do to make this better and and give her a quality of life when things were were changing rapidly and and bringing that smile back and bringing that joy back.

And and she had a just the warmest smile, and and and seeing that come back to me was probably it was one of the most wonderful experiences because uh she was one of those lights in in life that she needed to smile.

She made this world a better place when she smiled.

And so um, so having having seen that come back was uh was uh so so meaningful.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, wow.

Now, during that that six year period, how old were you?

SPEAKER_03: I was in my started in my late twenties and into my early thirties.

SPEAKER_02: Wow.

You know, that that's such I mean a six year time span.

It's it's you know, I mean, in in perspective of Life is short, but but it's a big span of time, especially in that age that you were.

How do you feel like that impacted your life moving forward?

Getting to have that opportunity for those six years.

SPEAKER_03: It was an amazing experience and it taught me so much about, you know, I was working on Wall Street.

At that point, I was a chef, and in what sacrifice means in life for someone else.

And I never looked at it as a hardship.

I never complained because it was like she really truly needed my help.

And so for me, I know a lot of people go through that.

They're like, this is a burden I have to carry.

And I think if you look at it as this is a gift you're giving someone, as opposed to any kind of burden, sure, there was times and I gave up a lot and had to change my schedule and and and where she was in and out of the hospital a lot and running the hospital and in the middle of the day and all of that was was difficult.

But at the same time, you know, it was it was spending those times and and really understanding where she was.

And then you see how fragile life is once again, you know, when you see someone who's uh that large of a figure in your life, and this was the second time it was a parent.

Watching them, you know, just become so vulnerable just because of their health.

It's hard because you love them so much and you you want to love them enough so that they can stay alive.

But, you know, God has his plan.

And and so it taught me that sacrifice is good in life and and what my priorities were in life and taking care of people and all of that was at the forefront, and everything else could wait, you know.

Um, it's hard to date a lot of people back then because there was a lot to do for mom at night when you're working and doing those things.

But at the same time, it was um it was the joy of a great relationship, and we had so much fun together.

Uh, we always did.

And and so the lessons she taught me and and just the respect for life, all the things.

I just feel like it it it shaped my whole thought process moving forward in my life.

And when she had that question for me about, you know, how was I gonna fill the void?

You know, there really is a void.

So when you're a caretaker and you're out there, you know, it's 24 hours a day you're worrying about someone.

And mom fell, or this happened, or she's back in the hospital, I have to go an ambulance, all these things.

And, you know, you look you look at those instances, it taught me to what my priorities were.

And that I'm very proud of.

And it's never a burden for me to stop and help anyone.

And I'll always make that time because that's that's a great thing in life, because we get so busy.

And, you know, when you think about when she asked me about the void, I've helped so many people when they lose parents and grandparents and friends, and and really what is that void and having that discussion and and how do you overcome and rebuild your life?

Because it it is hard, because all of a sudden the kind of like the music stops, and you're like, wait, what do I do?

And and how do I reassimilate?

You don't realize how how invested and how much of your time it takes.

And then you have to kind of go through the emotional aspects of of grieving and and how important that is.

But that conversation with her in that situation, I don't know how many people I've been able to talk to and warn people like, hey, just this is coming and this is gonna hit you like a two by four.

But it's okay to go back to your life.

It's okay to be joyful again, it's okay to to rebuild yourself and take those steps every day.

So that's yeah, those experiences um they're ingrained in me uh forever.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, without a doubt.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Well, kind of switching gears from emotional loss to to talking about physical, you ended up having something happen.

I'm gonna be anxious to hear the details of, but some type of accident, incident injury, I think around like 2000 that would really kind of embark you on a whole nother type of journey and challenges in life.

Walk me through what happened that would then kind of lead into the next, I think, almost two decades of surgeries and medical issues.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was a crazy moment in my life and started a whole new journey.

And it was, I was a chef and I had done two weddings on a Saturday, and I never got a Saturday night off.

And no one ever does in culinary.

And so I was like, go home and and throw a steak on the grill, shorts, t-shirt, just sit and relax, because I just never got to do that.

And so um we lived in my brother and I lived in a very old house uh built in the 40s and uh a very kind of um would be very non-compliant staircase in today's world.

We'll leave it like that.

Very steep, very sharp, very the rises uh on the step were uh uh you know just weren't normal.

So back in the day I I used to wear topsiders all the time.

It was kind of the thing to wear and to do that.

But I grew up with abnormally high arches, like freaky high arches.

So it was easy for me to turn my ankle in.

I always had it when I played sports, had to tape and do those things.

So I was coming down the stairs, and topsiders don't have any structure, real structure to them, you know, in that I took a step down and was coming around the corner to go to the bottom of the staircase, and my ankle gave out.

So, and then I went kind of flying down the rest of the stairs and landed on my left ankle and turned and rolled, and all you could hear is everything popping.

And um, I was like, all right, well, this isn't good, but I was of the generation where it's like rub a little dirt on it and you'll be fine.

And here's the straw, kind of suck it up.

I mean, that was that was what we were taught uh back in the day, you know.

Yeah, I knew something was wrong, but I had two weddings to do the next day and uh the the next morning, and I was like, I'll deal with this tomorrow.

And so I went to bed, but then I got up in the middle of the night, and as soon as I put my foot on the floor, I I hit the floor because I was in such pain and doing that.

Got up and you know, couldn't call out of work with two weddings, and you know, sorry, you know, it's uh this has happened when people were really depending on you.

So I went into work and barely get a shoe on my foot that I normally wore.

And then as the day went, it got worse and worse where I was I couldn't walk and you know, type thing.

So we got through the weddings and you know, the everyone was happy, and uh I was like, I need to go to the emergency room badly.

So I I went and then I got uh berated by every medical person in there.

Like, why did you wait, you know, a full day to to come in and get this treated?

So the long short is I I had uh torn tendons, ligaments, and broke at least two bones at that point in that fall.

So the first thing was surgery, you know, and they had to fix the the tendons and do all that kind of stuff.

So so we started this whole thing, and I kept tearing the tendons.

And so uh just by the natural movement of my foot, and then we started stacking up surgeries and the calcing asosideotomy where they cut the heel and rotate the foot.

That threw off a whole bunch of things.

And over time they just kept opening up my whole leg and it looked like a zipper on it, and and you had scar tissue and nerve issues, and everything started to become more complex.

And so started going to different uh physicians, uh different foot and ankle specialists up and down the East Coast to try to get the best, you know, long-term care so that I I could put this to bed.

But with every surgery became more issues.

Fast forward, you know, all of a sudden it's like ankles giving out again, and they're like, Well, we we want to send you up to HSS hospital for special surgery in New York.

You know, they ended up doing fusions and more plates and more screws and everything else.

And so all of a sudden we're at like surgery number 16, and I'm still in pain and I still can't function.

And people are like, Well, why did you continue to have surgeries?

Because it's like I was young, I was active, and I wanted to be pain-free.

You know, I wanted my life.

I love life and I'm outside and sports and running and all of those things.

And so, you know, you try to go to the best of the best, but you know, no one was really kind of looking at the 60,000-foot level view of kind of my whole case because they were fixing things, but by fixing certain things, there was that wave of, you know, creating more and more problems.

So I ended up at the hospital special surgery, surgery after surgery, fusions, second fusion.

And then, you know, I had a a little bit of success, but was on the subway with my brother in in DC.

And anyone who's been on the subway knows, uh, at least in DC, that the driver sometimes will hit the accelerator and then hit the brakes.

And like the whole car, everyone goes flying.

Well, I kind of did that and landed on my foot that had just been operated on, and everyone in the in the train car could hear my my leg pop.

And that was it was a bad thing.

I knew right away I was in trouble.

And my brother had tried to grab the pells of my jacket when he saw me falling backwards.

So all of a sudden, you know, we're up to more and more surgeries.

And I was like, this is crazy.

So I go in December 8th of 2015, back up to HSS in New York, and they're in the limb saving business.

And I had an eight-hour surgery, and I don't think I've ever would ever tell a surgeon this again.

But I was like, don't wake me up.

If there's anything else you need to do, do it.

Don't wake me up and tell me I have to have another surgery.

And so uh, so I remember him waking me up, and he's like, Well, I'm not quite sure if this is gonna work.

And that's never a good thing to hear out of a surgeon at that point.

So the longest part is just I they casted me for six months, and I was like, ah, this is crazy.

You know, that's a long time to be casted.

And you know, you made it through, but it took a lot of determination and there was a lot of hard days and being on crutches that long, and probably could have been in the crutch Olympics at that point because it was like so injuries and so many things.

And so I go back up and finally they're like, Oh, we're gonna take this off.

And I was like, ah, it's it's incredible.

And I was shocked how atrophied it was, and and everything else, because that's a long time to be to be casted.

So, so I go, and then um they're like, see how you do.

So I started walking on it, and the pain level was seven, then eight, and then I was like, this is unbearable.

And then the the bad thing was my foot tripled in size and it just stayed that way.

And so it got to the point where it's like, I'm back in a boot, you know, I'm I'm back with crutches again, and the pain is just is driving me crazy because I won't I wouldn't take the opioids.

And but when you get chronic pain like that, it it's debilitating.

You get it, it really alters your life, and it's very tiring.

So anyone who's chronic pain, I certainly feel for you and empathize with that.

So I go back up to New York and you know, I'm sitting outside, and that train ride was crazy.

It was like the heart of darkness, Joseph Conrad.

I was going up the river to meet my enemy or foe, and really was concerned.

And every mile seemed like five miles, you know, and every hour seemed like three hours to get up there.

And in my heart, I knew something was that that wasn't gonna be a good news on the visit.

So I go in and MRI and he sees all this, and he said, walks in, and he's kind of a he's a great guy, great surgeon, but kind of gruff.

And he just said, There's nothing left, you're never gonna walk again.

And I'm like, what do you mean I'm never gonna walk again?

He's like, it's destroyed again, and there's nothing we can put back together with this anymore.

And he said, I was concerned when you had the surgery, but now this is what I was most concerned of, this just not working at all.

And um, there was just the too many surgeries, too many plates, 13 screws, fusions, staph infection, all these things had happened.

And so um he just blurts out right away.

He says, Amputation.

And it sucked every ounce of air out of me.

I'll never forget sitting there.

And he's like, that's it.

You have no quality of life, you will never walk again.

And I'm like, never.

And he's like, never.

And so I I was shocked because I thought about all of a sense, it all of a sudden it was the shock of it's been, you know, 20 surgeries, 17 years, all the PT, all that I put into the care, and and and thank God for my wife as well, her patients, but it was like the sense of failure.

And it was like, wow, this is uh, I didn't expect that.

Um, you know, maybe in the very, very, very back of my mind, but I wasn't prepped for that at all, thinking I knew it was gonna be a difficult day, but not to that level.

And I remember, you know, I walked back to the people scheduling there, and I knew them all really well, and they're like, amputation and their faces, and then when I saw their faces, and then I go downstairs and I call my wife, and she's like, Oh, how's it going?

Are you gonna be okay?

I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, trying to be very positive.

And I'm like, it's amputation.

And she hangs up the phone, and and I'm like, Well, great, this is off to a good start.

And so I knew it was really the shock for her, but yeah, so I was I went home and and tried to digest it all and and honestly had a few crappy days in in the sense of like, well, how did this happen and why is this happening?

And why do I continue to have all these things continue in my life and after everything I've been through?

But you know, finally I was like, the only way I feel like, and I think this is a good thought for everyone, is you know, when you get in a situation like that, the best thing you can do is educate yourself.

You can either wallow in the misery of it or educate yourself.

And education in those situations is is very powerful because then all of a sudden you go from kind of the woe is me and and start driving the process and being a best advocate for yourself.

And and that's certainly important in any healthcare in any situation.

So we got home and um and then we went back up to New York and met the surgeon and then met, you know, the prosthetic people.

And and that was really the the elephant in the room, in the sense was all of a sudden I'm holding a plastic foot and a with rubber around it and and a uh a titanium pipe.

And I'm like, this is gonna be my life.

And so it was really shocking because I was like, and they're like, you're gonna have to do this, and you're gonna have to do this, and all of a sudden I'm sitting there getting extremely overwhelmed because I'm like, it's it's not able to process that my life is gonna change that much.

So we go home and and prep, and and then I go back up for grand rounds with Cornell and HSS, and it was 30 physicians and probably a bunch of PAs and stuff there, and it's uh 6:30 in the morning, they did like two cases a quarter, and you know, this the special cases, and every one of them was like amputation.

That's it, you're done.

And went back for more testing and to nerve blocks to make sure the pain would go away and all these things, and that fell into place and had our answer there.

And when they did the nerve block for the first time in 20 years, I had no pain.

And like my brain didn't know how to kind of process that.

So we went uh, you know, went back home and and prepped for the big day, which was December 1, 2016.

It's hard to believe it it's just uh just hit nine years from the day, uh December one.

So so that was that was kind of the what led up to the the whole process there and really struggling, a lot of emotion, a lot of sense of failure, staying positive, but having those days where you're really doubting, you know, kind of this the the whole situation.

And but then, you know, I I I leaned back on, you know, the faith and and my faith and you know, prayed a lot.

And certainly, you know, the the the things I told my mom and you know, I kind of started the just because it's different doesn't mean it can't be good, kind of started that thought process and and really kind of did the best I could to prep myself for surgery.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

Wow, wow, wow.

My goodness.

So I don't know if it's at this point in the story.

I I think it was maybe before you had the amputation that you had a really powerful moment though happen when you and your wife had had visited somewhere.

Was it Washington Foley?

Is that the name?

SPEAKER_03: It was the Monacosy Aqueduct.

Exactly.

And it was a special moment.

If anyone's familiar with the Maryland, D.C., Virginia area, there's the uh Sea Oak Canal that goes from uh Cumberland, Maryland, Northern Maryland, all the way down to Georgetown.

And it was built in the George Washington era and it was used for trade, and it's runs along the Potomac, and it's it's just a beautiful, beautiful spot.

There's locks every so often as the topography changed and to move you down the canal.

And so we love going there.

We always went there uh Sunday drives up to the farms and and would always stop there because it's just something about the aqueduct, and it's truly the one spot where the water would not naturally continue for the canal.

So they built this large granite, you know, aqueduct.

And they tried to, story has it, that they tried to blow it up in the Civil War multiple times.

And I can promise you this this will outlive me by probably 200 years because it's so well built.

And you know, so people bike up there on the sides of uh the aqueduct, you can walk, and there's a there's uh it's just beautiful like bridges that you can just look out over the water, and it's just a it's a wonderful place.

And what was interesting, we always took our dogs there, and every dog looks happy there, every person looks happy there.

There was something just very magical about the place, and uh we had two cocker spaniels, and we would sprinkle it, we sprinkled their ashes up there after they passed.

So, so four days before surgery, it was it was one of those things where I was like, uh, I I really need to go up there.

It was such a soulful place, and it was something I just needed to go see and do and and just have that joy of um to spending time there.

So we went up there and I was on crutches, and so it's about 90 yards out, probably 85, 90 yards out to the to the bridge where you kind of see all the water and and everything.

So we get out there and then we're dog sitting this little dog named Pepper.

He's this little fireball uh Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and just a ball of energy and goodness.

That's the only way I can describe it.

I know we all are dogs, but this dog was just so much fun and just, you know, it's just so animated.

So Anne says, Well, I'm gonna go walk with the dog, try to go down the canal.

And I'm like, Well, I need to get to the car because this is why there's no one gonna be able to get me.

So I need to, you know, get back 85 yards or whatever it was and and and do that.

So I'm walking and and pepper and ann had taken off.

And this gentleman walks by or rides by on his bike, and he says to me, You're going to the parking lot, aren't you?

And I was like, Yeah, and I didn't, I didn't think much of it, you know, type thing, but I thought it was kind of an odd question.

So when you get to the fork where to the left was to the parking lot, to the right is the is going down the canal.

And and if you ever get to the DC area, go see the this, you know, canal because every eighth of a mile is different.

It's just natural beauty, you know.

So it's it's just a special place.

So I start, you know, heading towards the parking lot at the fork, and all of a sudden, you know, Pepper and Ann are right behind me, and Pepper's like glued to my leg.

I said, Is everything okay?

She said, Um, I don't know what happened.

Something spooked him, and he just dug in and wouldn't move.

And what was odd to me was all of a sudden the dog's just like no energy.

Like he's it's almost he almost looks like a little sphinx or stuffed animal.

And he's moving, but he's just not that joyful, gleeful little dog and ball of energy that we're used to.

So we get up towards the parking lot and she said, I don't know what happened, Colin.

So I was a little concerned, but he's moving and you know, and and and looked okay, you know, and in that, but just very, very quiet.

And so as we approach the parking lot, this gentleman is putting his bike on his car.

He starts talking to me, and he said, Well, yeah, uh, I had one of those boots on a few years back, and I uh told the surgeon, if you don't do a good job, you know, I'm gonna lose my limb.

So he says, What's going on with you?

And I said, Well, I'm losing my limb.

Uh going up to New York in four days and losing my limb.

And he said, I know.

I he said, I'm here to tell you that we're supposed to meet today and that everything's gonna be okay.

So at first blush, I'm like, I don't know.

You know, was kind of shocked, you know, as like, who is this guy and what is he doing he's talking about?

So we continue to have this conversation.

He's asked me about life and faith.

I'm like, I love life, you know, my faith has gotten me through everything.

And and he said, I need you to know that we're supposed to meet today, and everything's gonna be okay.

So I'm looking at this guy, he has this long gray beard, and I look at his knees, and there's it looks like hundreds of scars, and it almost looked like there his knees, the skin was cryovaced.

He had had so many surgeries, and so he's telling me about that.

And then he said, Do you know how you're gonna be okay?

And I said, Well, it kind of crossed my mind, you know, how you're you're telling me this.

And he said, Well, because I'm gonna say a few words to someone, and you just need to know that we're supposed to meet today and everything's gonna be okay.

So, and silent, the dog's not moving, and all of a sudden I'm getting this this feeling, and I I I just had no idea what to say or do.

And so, very overwhelmed because I'm like, Who is this guy?

And and what's going on here?

So, I introduced him, I I had to find something.

To kind of change the conversation, the whole trajectory of it.

And so I'm like, oh, by the way, this is, I'm Colin, this is Ann, and this is Pepper.

And so, oh, it's great to meet you, but my name's Bill.

And so I said, okay, Bill.

So he just he continues asking me questions, you know, kind of life questions and that.

And, you know, how do you feel about moving forward?

And I'm like, well, we have to move forward in life.

There's, I have no regrets.

And, you know, this is just a path in a different direction.

So he's continuing to work on this bike.

And then um, you know, we feel like, well, conversation's kind of over, and we get in the car.

I first I had to lift Pepper up.

And I'm like, Pepper's one of those little dogs that pops up into the car and it's like, I'm here, you know, and all of a sudden I had to lift him up.

And his eyes, he was moving, but he was like in this trance.

So I get in the car, and then Ann's next to me, and she's just bawling.

And she's like, Colin, God's trying to talk to you.

Someone is telling you this.

She said, You don't see it because he's staring straight into your soul.

You can't see it.

And she said, I don't know what's going on, but she said, God's trying to tell you something here.

So I'm like, ah, you know, and I take a deep breath and I'm like, please check on pepper.

And so we back up and we go up to uh next to Bill's car.

And I roll down the window and um I said, Well, thank you for you know for taking the time to talk.

And he said, Um, do you understand that we're supposed to meet today?

And I said, I actually do believe this.

And he said, But everything's gonna be okay, but there's one more thing I have to tell you.

And I'm like, what's that?

And he said, You're gonna be challenged in a way that you've never been challenged before in your life, and it will be your ultimate test in your faith.

And he said, I can't tell you what it's gonna be, but it's gonna be coming soon.

I didn't quite know and understand what that would be.

And I said, Okay.

And he said, but just you have to remember everything's gonna be okay.

So I I'm sitting there and and I'm getting kind of queasy at this whole conversation at this point.

And then he says to me, Um, I said, Well, thank you.

And he said, No.

He said, I need to thank you because you're a believer, and there's very few people on this earth that truly believe anymore.

And so we roll up the window, go 25 yards off the road, I pull over.

I couldn't breathe.

I I could not breathe.

And it was it was the most overwhelming experience in my life.

And I'm saying, who is this guy and what does this mean?

But I'm gonna be okay, and and that.

And this is four days before getting ready to lose my leg.

And and Pepper's still not moving, and Ann's crying, and and I'm just like trying to breathe.

And so finally it gets together after about five minutes, and it's about 40, it's about um three-quarters of a mile out to the main road.

And as soon as we get out to the main road, you know, Pepper does this giant shake, and all of a sudden he's back, and he's back to his normal perky fun self and everything.

And Anne's like, what just happened?

I'm like, I have no idea.

So that was an amazing day and and an amazing experience.

And then kind of where it led me, you know, we can uh talk about that next if you'd like, and what that the face was.

SPEAKER_02: Wow, wow.

So do you believe that man was an angel?

SPEAKER_03: Yes.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: Wow.

Very much I can't even do it justice.

I always would love it for you had to like tape her her version um because it was that powerful.

And in just the knowledge that he had, there's no way.

I wasn't online, I wasn't on social media, there was no way he would have known any of this stuff.

And and there was there wasn't a chance.

It wasn't like I was on Facebook leaving messages, and I didn't start social media until a couple years after my amputation.

So I uh I really had to believe it in in that sense.

And and it kind of scared me because I was like, what's this test of faith thing he's he's talking about?

Because it was it was kind of ominous, but then it was like faith, and you you just gotta really believe it.

And I was like, oh my god, what's what's gonna happen next?

Is it just losing a limb, you know, in terms of that?

So it was it was something.

SPEAKER_02: Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Oh my gosh.

Such an incredible, incredible story.

So I I'm anxious to to honestly hear how the story continues, as far as that was just a few days before this big surgery.

How did the actual surgery go?

SPEAKER_03: The surgery was fine.

I I it was really hard.

I remember they bumped me up on the schedule, like, can you get here sooner?

Someone just canceled.

And and we go in, and you know, unfortunately, you when you're a frequent flyer at like the hostile surgery centers, a lot of those people work there always.

And so I knew a lot of the nurses and staff and and just really good people, and you know them by name because I had had five that this would have been the fifth surgery there.

They're just beside themselves that I was losing a limb.

And they're just like, Colin, this is how did this, you know, and why did this and you know, all the questions and everything.

And certainly I was getting super stressed because it's like, you know, there you everyone's like, Are you sure you want to do this?

And I'm like, oh my God, you know, this is not what you really want, like half hour before surgery, uh, you know, with it.

But finally I was um, I I said to them, they're like, look, we'll wheel you in.

And I was like, can you get two people to help me?

Because I want to walk for the last time and and knowing what was going to happen, I want to walk with my leg.

And it was and that it hurt like hell.

I could barely move, but you know, it was one tiny step.

And I remember then getting in and hopping up and and just the pain was just uh, you know, it was just not a good situation.

And I was like, well, I think I have my answer that this is right, you know.

I I started laughing because I'm like, what are all those saws and drills?

And you know, it kind of looked like a Home Depot tool set had been rated or store had been rated for tools.

And they're like, no, that's all for you.

And so when I I'm like, great.

So when I get really nervous, I just start laughing, you know, and so I started kept laughing and laughing and laughing.

And finally the the surgeon's like, knock them out, and so I was out.

And then I woke up and uh just the shock uh waking up and seeing there was no leg.

I thought in my mind I was prepared, but nothing prepares you for that actuality of seeing that.

You know, I just it just took a while to really think, have it sink in.

And and you know, 20 other surgeries, I woke up and had a limb, and then losing a limb was uh was something.

But the very first thing I said to them was, I want to walk.

And they're like, Mr.

Pot, you cannot get out of bed.

I'm like, I want to walk.

And they're like, Colin, you can't, you just stay still, you can't do this.

And so finally, the the guy in recovery and and and that whole thing was the one of the doctors who was on call and all that, was like, give them something to walk with.

And so they gave me a walker, and I got up and I was able to take three steps.

And I didn't care, it was just three steps.

It was just that beginning that mindset that I wanted to to walk again and and to to really believe that I could.

And then, you know, kind of came to the motto of just one more step every day.

And I kept saying to myself, just one more step, no matter what, to get my life back, and really wanted to fight for that.

And and that was something that I I'm so glad that I was able to have the mindset to to start with that and that thought process.

And so, you know, every day it was it was just a little bit more and a little bit more.

And so then we get to a point, you know, they're like, You're really good on crutches.

I'm like, Yeah, well, uh, crouch elliptics, maybe, because it was uh being able to function after all.

They were like, This is amazing, like this is crazy.

And so uh, so they're like, Okay, well, we're gonna take you now from you know the the drip meds down to oral meds, you know, and it's part of the process of being discharged, obviously, and all that kind of stuff.

And you know, the days were kind of hanging around there and and just trying to see.

I had one visitor, a really good friend who came in and uh was like, God, how how is he gonna react to me losing a limb?

And and he was like, Well, you lost the limb, and talked to me that like I nothing had had happened, and not that he wasn't recognizing it.

It was just treating me as if, you know, this was a change, but this wasn't gonna change our relationship.

And that taught me a really good lesson, you know, as people always say, Oh, when someone dies or someone's sick, it's what do I say to them?

It's just have that normal conversation, be normal for them, you know, and if they want advice, give them advice, but but also just talk about the things you always talk about and create that normalcy again.

And to me, that was a really valuable lesson.

So we go to the the oral meds and and we're doing that, and they take the pain pump away and do all that.

And so we get towards that uh that evening, uh, this young nurse who was lovely, she was just a great soul.

She's like, You're not looking so good.

Your blood pressure's going up.

She's like, How are you feeling?

I'm like, Well, it it's hurting.

And she's like, Well, we have another 30, 35 minutes so I can give you something in terms of that.

And so um, she said, Are you gonna be all right?

I've got to go down the hall for 10 minutes.

I'm like, No, I'll be fine.

So all of a sudden it's like, I'm really starting to feel pain and very, very uncomfortable.

And I'm watching my blood pressure go up, you know, it's it's now like 175 over 120, and you know, you're starting to you can kind of feel feel everything.

And then all of a sudden it just got to a point where I was absolutely couldn't even didn't even know what to do.

The pain was so bad.

By that point, my blood pressure was flying.

That set off every alarm, and then all of a sudden, one person, two people, five people, seven people are in the room, you know, in terms of it.

And they're like, we have to give you morphine.

And so my blood pressure, what they're telling me is like, look, you're gonna stroke out, and your blood pressure is now, you know, 260 over one fifty, 160.

So I like my heart was coming through my chest, and I'm sitting there and I'm like, this isn't, you know, this isn't good.

And I thought about this, this test of faith, and um, they're like, Colin, you gotta stay with us, Colin, you gotta stay with us, and all these people in there, and I just remember like sweating profusely.

Like I've never felt anything like that.

And I hope I never feel anything close to that again.

And and I had a high tolerance for pain after all the surgeries and things that I'd been through.

So it was it was at that point where I was like, I don't know what's going on.

And so I pray right then, and I'm like, Bill, if this is the moment, I believe.

And I said, God, I believe.

And I believe in you, I need you, please help.

All of a sudden they said, I went out, fully out.

I don't know what happened in that that period of time.

I don't know how long it was.

And then um, all of a sudden I wake up, they're just kind of shaking me, they're like, Colin, Colin, Colin.

So I'm sitting there and they're like, you shouldn't be here.

You should not be here.

And I was.

And, you know, and and I I was like, you know, I was like, Bill, you know, this has to be it because I I literally shouldn't be on this podcast talking to you right now.

It was something, and this the the nurse with who is so sweet and everything, she's pounding on my arm, and she's like, Colin, I go down the hall for 10 minutes and you try to die on me.

What is going on?

I told you told me you'd be okay, and she's crying, and you know, and they tell me this.

And the thing I I I realized, and it's like, what is all that water all over the floor?

Like just puddles of water.

And they're like, Oh, that was you.

That you were in so much pain that you sweated that much water out of your body.

And I hadn't seen anything like that before.

And that was kind of that was really eerie to me, you know, because um that's how much fluid I had had lost.

And to this day, I believe that that was the test.

And in that, uh I'll never forget it.

And then trying to stabilize to get out of the hospital and we were trying to get home for Christmas and and all of that.

But I remember Ann came in and uh she she looked at me and she she's like, You look like crap.

What is going on?

And like they tell her the story, and they're like, she's like, Why didn't you call?

They're like, uh, no, he wouldn't been able to dial the phone and shouldn't be talking to you right now.

So it was just one of those moments where you just, you know, they were just trying to save me.

And and and that's why, you know, they you know, call someone and tell them in the middle of the process.

But it was it was a moment that I'll never forget, the sense of really believing in faith and and believing in God.

And someone swooped me back and brought me back, and um, that's something I'll never forget.

SPEAKER_02: What was your your faith journey, your your relationship with with God like before that?

SPEAKER_03: I think, you know, I always had faith because uh having been knocked down with so many, so much loss, you know, I always believed in kind of getting back up and and and doing that.

And I spent a lot of time in church and and then there's moments where I didn't pray because I was like, what are you doing to me?

And why do these things keep happening?

Like everyone, you know, and you have those moments where you're just that doubt because it's like, how can this continue to happen to me over and over?

But faith was always an important part.

I remember, you know, I was working downtown and would go to St.

Matthew's on on days where I just needed to find a peace and quiet.

And church was always a peaceful place.

And, you know, I always tell people, find your own church, whatever that may be, and take that hour because it's it's it's important to focus on something else and and and not just on yourself.

My mom really bolstered like the faith, my belief in faith, because of all the stories and all that she had told me and and what I had been through with her.

But this whole that whole challenge was, I don't know.

I mean, it was it was something that boy, uh, I'm glad I did believe and you know, did have that faith that that I was gonna make it because uh I don't know, it was it was scary.

But, you know, faith has gotten me through everything.

And faith in, as my mom would say, faith in yourself and faith in God.

And but it really solidified in I believe that, you know, there is value in in church and and and scripture and and that.

I'm not a zealot um by any stretch of the imagination, and and certainly people have to find their own way with with church.

And there's been a lot of obviously issues in the world with all of that, but there's still a lot of good people, there's still a lot of wisdom, there's still a lot of peace that you can find in that.

But it definitely solidified something that had been rocked a lot, and and and naturally we all, when we get rocked in life and lose things and have uh trauma happen to us, you know, we do question that.

And and I think that's a good thing to do because that's how you grow your faith and you become stronger.

And and and I know that after that, it's uh I'm a firm believer in what happened at uh that night at the hospital in New York.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

Wow.

What a powerful testimony that you've been left with.

Honestly, I mean, you your your life just from the little bit that you shared today, all of the loss that you've you've endured, and then the story that you just shared with us.

It's just it's a true, amazing, amazing testimony.

And it's truly powerful.

Wow.

Now I am kind of curious to know though.

I mean, you have this surgery.

Was it a success in terms of eliminating the pain?

And and and but now, I mean, you don't have part of your legs, so now you're in this whole new journey of of trying to adapt.

What was that like?

SPEAKER_03: That was tough.

First was waiting to get a prosthesis because my limb was a little late to heal because of an infection, but all of a sudden you're walking with, you know, like I said, a kind of a rubber foot and, you know, a plastic socket and a pipe, and you and you're like, how am I gonna do this and learn to walk again?

And that.

And it it took a lot because the first year of uh after an amputation is is really difficult for anyone because your limb is isn't circulating right, and you you tend to gather a tremendous amount of water in your limb.

And so over time, your limb atrophies and changes.

And so typically you have a socket, which they do by plaster casts and then uh carbon fiber uh a socket.

And and that you when your limb shrinks, it shrinks during the day, and as it progresses, you have to put socks on, like a one, three, or five ply sock, and so that you you can balance in it, and then you get up to 10 ply, and you know, your knee gets really wobbly because there's not a lot of holding on to it, and they have to recast and and do the whole process and continue to do that.

And so you're only as good as your fit, and I think any amputee will tell you that.

And when it fits well, it's it's fine, but when it doesn't, it's can be excruciating.

And that's the hard part, and it's easy for people to give up because there is a your patients get ultimately tested.

Uh, and I thought I was a patient guy, but this this really had uh kind of stretched it.

But you know, I kind of kept believing, and at that point I had had so many family members and friends walk away, and I was kind of kind of the low, and and people were like, You're never gonna walk again, and your life is over, and and what's gonna happen to Colin, and you know, just the this this swirls of negativity, and I'm like, what the hell?

And uh literally, I'm like, I I didn't expect any of that.

And that was the part of the journey that was the most difficult, you know, and I'm like, okay, well, I got through all the other stuff, but now I got the world telling me that I'm gonna fail.

And so it really took a lot to stay positive at that point to do that.

And so, you know, it I finally got really sick of it.

And I just said to myself, you know, it's gonna be one more step every day.

And I would never sleep on the sofa downstairs, I would always get up the stairs on crutches without a limb, is a little more challenging, I can tell you that.

And so, you know, you just I was like, I'm not failing.

And so I took the negative energy and was just, I finally got to the point where I was like, just watch.

Just watch this.

It was a powerful turn in in my life because it was like, all right, I'm gonna make this work, not just for me, but for Anne.

And then part of me was like, I'm gonna prove all of you wrong.

And then with that.

And so, you know, there's those days in the fit, and you know, if it didn't fit right, you know, you just grab your cutches and still go and and and go and live life.

And I always tell amputees, don't stay home, go and and live and and do that.

And so slowly I was making progress, uh, you know, and moving around more, and which was crazy because, you know, usually you have uh like two sockets maybe a year at the beginning, and I had 20 because I was being so active and my limb was shrinking so fast.

And so all of a sudden, you know, I was walking, went to this um, but I was struggling with curbs and and uneven surfaces.

And then I went to this uh amputee walk that themselves has every year or had every year.

They're like, just see if you can make it a lap.

And so the gentleman who a friend had put me in touch with who's an amputee, and he was doing really well in his life.

He came and walked, and and it was crazy because it was as the kind of the walk went on, it unleashed terrain-wise.

It was pouring.

And you know, you sit there and you're just like, oh God, you know, this this whole thing.

And and so I kept going and I just kept going and I kept going.

So I ended up walking a mile and a half.

And I remember I was sitting there and no one else is walking because it's pouring.

I I sat there and uh tears were coming down my face.

And it was one of those moments of acceptance in your life, and I was like, I know I'm gonna be okay, and I am gonna be fine because I was able to do that.

And everyone was like, Why'd you walk that long far?

And I was like, Well, no one told me to stop.

And I think I had a little forest gump moment where I was like, I'm gonna walk and I'm gonna run, you know, and and just no one told me to stop.

So that that day I really propelled me and I knew it was gonna be okay.

And then I started moving around quickly and jumping over things and landing on a prosthesis and got a new and got a new leg.

And, you know, I could do be more active with it if it was an ocer proflex and and things like that.

It being harnesses, swatting balls, and jumping and landing, and I was like, you learned that you can actually land on it because you you gotta trust the prosthesis.

And and that was a big moment for me too, because each time you get a new prosthesis, it becomes a part of you at some point where it just it becomes so natural for you to put on and move and do.

So uh so those experiences were happening and and that, and then they were like, I was like, look, I'd love to run again.

And so I was able to get a running blade and and do that, and I was swimming, and and all of a sudden I was just picking up so much momentum and more and more sockets, but at the same time, I was just gathering strength, and everyone was like, wow, this is pretty amazing, you know, and watching this.

And so then um my big thing was they had the that same 5k in this spring.

And so I started training for that and learning to use a running blade is very different, and you kind of see them in the Olympics and you because your hips and how you move.

And and we started off with 30 seconds and a minute, and then videotaping from the side to make sure I was landing and adjusting the prosthesis over and over and over so that I was landing properly.

And as I developed more strength, that That changed the the whole the whole movement.

So those, you know, being able to have that adjusted continuously was great.

And then I'm outside, you know, at seven o'clock in the morning with the PTA on the with this, you know, rubber band around me trying to hold me back and going up hills and and doing this.

And, you know, it's 30 degrees out.

And and I loved it because I was like, oh, just, you know, I was my goal was to finish that 5K.

And um, so it just, you know, there was times where things, you know, my issues with fit and all those things, but I didn't care.

I was like, I want my life back and I am fighting for this.

I was able to uh uh start and finish the 5k that April.

And so I'd come full circle and I was like so excited about where I was, but then I wasn't done and getting back to the gym, and you know, I got at that point I got it to leg press 600 pounds and squatting, you know, to 325 and all the things I was deadlifting and all this at the gym, and all of a sudden ABC wanted to see it, and and all these people really started to to go.

And I was at this gym, and I when I would work out, I'd probably have sometimes 7,500 people watch because I think they were just fascinated.

They'd never seen any of PT before and in that.

So all of a sudden, my life kind of took off in a different trajectory.

I was excited, I was, you know, the CEO of a company, and I was building my life back, and uh, but it was just still, it was one more step every day, and then and then meeting people in PT and stroke patients and helping them walk again and getting them to believe in themselves.

And all of a sudden, this this kind of calling is kind of birthed out uh of this whole process to help others and to give back and and give people hope.

And it just I was really excited because I was getting my life back and and fighting for it.

And there was a new norm and it was good.

And things were just as we said, just because things are different doesn't mean they can't be good.

And it certainly was good, and I was certainly very proud of the progress, but I was like, I'm not done yet.

I'm not done yet at all, you know, and then it just continued in amputee coalition peer visitor and all these other things that kept coming from this, and and and being able to be on a podcast like this, and it's just uh it's it's really this whole calling now to to help others.

And as I said, when I wake up, the very first thing I say to myself in the morning is I want to give one person hope today.

So so so much has kind of come from it and from the pain and and from that, but certainly there was tough days, but you know, I really kind of was resolved in the sense of you can knock me down, but I will get back up, I will dust myself off, and I will go live life.

And I try to give people that encouragement because it's easy to give up, it's easy not to want to get back in the game, it's hard, but it through every step was was was worth it.

And having lost so much, I I wasn't gonna squander a day in my life because having seen so much loss in my life and how fragile life was and how much a gift uh life every day is is a gift, and and really believing in that and and nurturing that gift.

And and you know, I have no regrets about any of this.

And it's just it became a really powerful driving point in my life, and and that's that thing I'm most proud of is taking all the sadness and losing another brother five years ago with a learning disability to pancreatic cancer and going through that during COVID.

And it kind of prepped me for everything that, you know, kind of my whole life has prepped me for the next thing.

And and so that's but now it's like, okay, well, let's take all this experience and let's take these stories and let's share them.

And if we can inspire people to first be their best and and and live live life to its fullest every day because it's gradual.

But knowing that they can overcome any adversity, like I said, faith in God, faith in yourself, and just a positive outlook and how to build a positive outlook.

So that that's kind of where we've we've we've come.

And um, I'm really excited to be here today to share these experiences and hopefully uh make a difference in someone's life.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, 100%.

Well, well, Colin, to say that it's been a joy getting to to speak with you today would be an understatement.

I absolutely love your outlook on life.

I love the stories that you've shared, the overcoming, the honestly, the reminder to us all that we're so much more capable of overcoming than we than we think we will be.

I know myself, I mean, there's many things I think of of I can't imagine if this happens.

But the fact is true is that God equips us with what we need when we need it.

And you have a beautiful story of that.

It's just been an absolute honor to get to hear all of this.

My last question for you, honestly, is for the person listening today, how can we support you?

How can we be sure that somebody has stayed plugged into your world, is there for you to help you keep uh living out this mission?

SPEAKER_03: Well, I appreciate that.

And I think, you know, I'm finishing a book and I hope to have that uh, you know, really done after the holidays where I've gotten really close on that and and really just you know being aware that the book comes out and and and following me on, you know, Facebook and Instagram and those things and and really sharing the story and and like this podcast.

If someone's down or someone needs uh is going through something tough is is really just sharing these experiences and and getting it out in the world for me.

And it's just one more person you reach and you know you kind of build that traction.

And you know, my goal is to speak at I say National Stadium because it's downtown and now it's four years and and to do that.

And so I just need people to share my experiences and then just you know, if anyone's out there, if you need any help, just contact me.

I'll walk with you as many steps as you want me to, you know, and share what I can share to to help make your life better.

But just sharing the stories and the experiences and and and reading the book and doing those things just helps helps me build out in the world.

And it's uh people are like, I'm so glad I found you and I needed to find you.

And and then you start to see that it's not coincidence when you start, you know, certain people kind of pass through and and you make contact with or they make contact with me.

And uh, and it's it's it's that sharing.

And when we share together, we build better lives together.

And that's certainly important to me.

And um, and that's all I want to do is share these experiences, as raw and real as they are, so that I can help you better your life and and and help you through when you're down and when you've been knocked down, and and kind of the steps of you know how to how to stand back up and how to live life again.

But that would be a great gift if if you can just follow and share my story.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

Well, I will be positive that that everything related to you, links, books, everything is in the uh the episode show notes as well as on the uh the website for anybody to have easy access to.

So um please, by all means, if you're listening today, please be sure that you check out today's show notes or head on over to the website, gritgraceinspiration.com, where you can find all of Colin's information.

Colin, my man, just uh one more time, thank you so much for uh for taking the time to be here.

SPEAKER_03: Well, Kevin, I can't thank you enough.

I remember our first conversation, and within like a minute, I was like, we were supposed to meet, our paths were supposed to cross.

And, you know, when I l listen to your questions and that, I know with your experiences and and that we we were supposed to meet.

I greatly appreciate the the opportunity to be with you and and look forward to to a friendship, you know, life friends for forever.

And that's the greatest gift of, you know, is is being able to speak on the podcast, but it's the friendship that I feel like we've developed and will continue to develop.

That's gonna be uh the greatest gift of today.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I agree 100%.

Well, uh, man, well, thank you so much.

And for you listening today, thank you so much for being here.

I hope you've enjoyed our conversation with Colin as much as I have.

Hopefully you're smiling as big as I am.

You're thinking about life, maybe in a little bit deeper sense than when you uh first came and hit play on this podcast.

That's what today's episode is here for, is to give you a just a change of perspective, to look at life from a different angle.

Sometimes we just need that reminder.

So until our next episode, I just hope that you enjoy your day.

Thank you for being here.

If there's somebody in your life who you're thinking of who needs to hear this lesson, please be sure to share today's episode with them.

So until next time, I'm your host, Kevin Little, my friend.

This is great great.

Hey, awesome, you're still here.

And since you were cool enough to listen all the way to the very end of today's episode, I have a special surprise for you.

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